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Original poster

Baby in ICU, upset with partner

26 replies

lilyboleyn · 31/10/2021 17:45

Please be gentle.

I’m under the maternity psychiatry team on some pretty strong meds for OCD thoughts (paranoia and intrusive thoughts mostly).

I had the baby five days ago. My partner was there, he was good during the labour. He is currently under assessment for ASD (as am I).

The baby has some undetermined health issues and so is currently in ICU - high dependency atm but moving to low dependency soon.

Partner has spent whole shifts down in ICU with baby and there are no complaints there.

Yesterday partner went to see his daughter and the plan was he’d come back after lunch so I could see my children and not have to abandon the baby on the ward (at this point he’d come up from ICU for a bit). Anyway, he didn’t come back (he was watching cartoons at home with his daughter) meaning I had the choice of leaving baby on the ward on his own for a few hours while I saw my children elsewhere in the hospital (closed ward) or I just didn’t see my children when they came up (long journey to hospital for them, too).

He went home after lunch today so he could wash his clothes (we don’t live together) and I called him asking if we could hang out a bit together in my room in the ward, because I feel a bit shit. He said that’s fine but he won’t sleep on the mattress they’ve given him because it’s uncomfortable and he will go sleep at his house again tonight.

I feel a bit abandoned, and not very supported emotionally. He’s been great at staying with the baby, but is a big black emotional hole and I feel so alone, so miserable and I miss my kids enormously.

Am I expecting too much of him? What should I expect of him realistically in this situation?

Thanks.

OP posts:
User27569 · 31/10/2021 17:51

Being gentle - I think if you are both suspected of having ASD so emotional support may not be a strong point anyway I think whatever he might do in this situation might be the wrong thing.

You are vulnerable, the baby is vulnerable and you are pulled in different directions due to older children. It doesn't sound like he has been intentionally unkind but his actions have clearly impacted on you emotionally. Would it be possible for his daughter to visit the hospital next time so he doesn't have to leave the site to cut down on the time away from you and the baby?

Azerothi · 31/10/2021 17:52

I think you're expecting too much of your boyfriend. Why don't you want to live with him?

Original poster
lilyboleyn · 31/10/2021 17:52

Thanks for response.
His daughter is much closer, he just took all of the time hanging out with her.
You’re maybe right that he didn’t mean to be like that, it just stings a lot.

OP posts:

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Original poster
lilyboleyn · 31/10/2021 17:53

Living arrangements don’t impact on this situation, I think…

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 17:57

I don't think you're expecting too much aside from wanting him to sleep on a mattress on the floor.

He agreed to come back and didn't. That was unfair.

TotallySuper · 31/10/2021 17:58

I think you have bigger things to worry about. Focus on your health and your baby's health and let him crack on for now. Discuss it later if the feeling still lingers. Good luck to you x

RampantIvy · 31/10/2021 17:59

I hope your baby improves soon Flowers

Original poster
lilyboleyn · 31/10/2021 18:01

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
SantasLittleHoHoHo · 31/10/2021 18:03

Hi OP, I'm not sure AIBU will be the kindest place to post if you're dealing with lots of other things at the moment.

He's spending lots of time in the ICU with your DC, and spending time with his daughter, then trying to take care of himself (going home to get clean clothes etc!) and also seeing you. That's a lot for anyone to manage - especially when you need support too at the moment (on top of the baby in ICU). Combine that with potential ASD and the current stressors in both of your lives, I don't think either of you ABU. I think it's a lot for anyone to deal with, and you both just need to try and muddle through and come out of the other side okay.

I hope you manage to relax and spend some time together tonight, and that your DC improves soon Thanks

Viviennemary · 31/10/2021 18:04

Sounds a very difficult situation for everyone involved. I don't think this is the time to be criticising your ex's efforts when they are obviously doing their best under the circumstances.

HeartsAndClubs · 31/10/2021 18:07

You’re both being pulled in multiple directions but him more than you TBH.

you’re being pulled between the baby and your children. He’s being pulled between the baby, you, and his child who may well feel that she’s being pushed out due to the arrival of a new baby, and so it’s important that she be able to have the attention she needs.

Neither of you is actually wrong. You just both have differing worries,and the only common worry you currently have is your baby, and as you’ve said, he has spent all his time with them.

I think that living arrangements are relevant because whether we admit it or not, the relationship dynamic between two people who live together differs from that between people who don’t.

LIZS · 31/10/2021 18:08

Are your other dc not his? Who brought them up? I think it is fine to leave baby for a while although can understand your instinct and disappointment. It is a hard situation and there is no "right" way of handling it but you do need his support and commitment,

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2021 18:10

Is there anyone else who can visit you if you need company?

He should have come back or given a better reason why he wasn’t but there’s a massive amount going on here. Maybe his DD is struggling with the new arrival, knowing they’re poorly, you’re poorly, and she needed more time with him.

Between you do have support from family members or friends? With so many children all of whom need contact with their parents and support the more help you can call in the better.

Who’s going to help you once you and your baby are discharged?

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 31/10/2021 18:12

Why is everyone starting threads with "being gentle"
Or "gently" and following it with something relatively kind? It's incredibly patronising to start a sentence with that.

It's akin to patting the OP on the head and saying "there, there, you'll be ok."

OP, sorry to hear you're having a hard time.
I'd feel abandoned also.

I expect he probably feels rather torn in all directions but I have no doubt you are too.

It's a really tough time for both of you.

Is he usually a supportive partner or often this way?

femfemlicious · 31/10/2021 18:16

I hope baby gets better soon. It sounds like these is a lot going on. Please make sure you are on good birth control going forwards.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/10/2021 18:26

I hope your baby and you are well soon and able to go home.
I think your partner probably wishes he could clone himself and be in several places at once as this is a crisis situation where the baby needs him, you need him, his daughter needs him, and even your children need him.
So I would not be upset as he’s obviously trying to do as much as he can for everyone that needs him.
I do think however, the baby doesn’t need someone with them 24/7 in the ICU. They are being cared for by specialist doctors and nurses round the clock, so you or him not being there isn’t “abandoning” your baby. I think you need him to spend more time with you. So it’s worth having a chat with him about splitting time between ICU and you when he is in the hospital.

yesterdaysbread · 31/10/2021 18:40

It sounds like he is trying his best. As pp have said his attention is required in so many places. Although I do agree that if he said he was going to be there to take over so you could see your other DC, he should have stuck to that or at least let you know if there was a very good reason he couldn’t.

It’s understandable that you feel abandoned, but you say that he agreed to hang out with you when you asked, this sounds like he does really care as Im sure there are some partners out there who wouldn’t even be up to that in this situation! As others have suggested see if you can access other support in these early days, in a bit more time you will get into the swing of things.

All the best! (And please ignore ignorant comment up thread re birth control Hmm )

TravelLost · 31/10/2021 18:42

@HeartsAndClubs

You’re both being pulled in multiple directions but him more than you TBH.

you’re being pulled between the baby and your children. He’s being pulled between the baby, you, and his child who may well feel that she’s being pushed out due to the arrival of a new baby, and so it’s important that she be able to have the attention she needs.

Neither of you is actually wrong. You just both have differing worries,and the only common worry you currently have is your baby, and as you’ve said, he has spent all his time with them.

I think that living arrangements are relevant because whether we admit it or not, the relationship dynamic between two people who live together differs from that between people who don’t.

The difference is that the DP doesn’t have mental health issue so shouod be able to cope much better than the OP. He also hasn’t given birth (can be traumatic), isn’t flooding with hormones (pregnancy) and isn’t dealing baby blues

So I’d be VERY careful saying that she has it easier than him tbh.

And yes being pulled in all direction is hard when you have a baby in ICU, siblings to look after (but in that case, I imagine there is a um who can support said sibling) and a partner who is unwell.

Which is why agreeing to one thing (he will come back) and then nit doing so is crap.
I’d also expect him to hear the OP when she says she needs support and for him to talk to her/spend time with her. Otherwise, she is vulnerable, with severe MH issues, a baby in ICU but actually on her own for most of time. That’s pretty shit situation in my book. And he certainly could take that into account.

As for the ASD playing a part…
Tbh I’ve seen many men being put of the hook because they have ASD so they can’t help being unable to support their partner. So I’d say, maybe this is the issue, maybe it’s not. I wouldn’t dare saying this is the root cause of the problem and whether the OP shoud oh just out up with it.

TravelLost · 31/10/2021 18:43

as Im sure there are some partners out there who wouldn’t even be up to that in this situation!

That’s a pretty low bar for men…. :(:(

Ozanj · 31/10/2021 18:56

With all due respect with existing children, possible ASD diagnoses, and MH issues, you have bigger and longer term things to worry about that. Get on birth control and decide whether you and your kids might be better off alone.

Neoerna · 31/10/2021 19:10

Praying your baby gets better soon

Suspiciousmind20 · 31/10/2021 19:16

I don’t have any particularly helpful advice but just wanted to say that I hope things get much better for you all soon. It sounds like such a difficult time for you. Hang in there and be kind to yourself. Your partner may be doing the best he can in difficult circumstances but your feelings are real nevertheless. Is there anyone you can talk to where you are or in ICU?

Wishing you and your baby a speedy recovery. Flowers

Flowersintheattic2021 · 31/10/2021 20:04

Why do you Have another child on a closed ward ? What's wrong with that child.

GrapesAreMyJam · 31/10/2021 20:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Raaaaaaarr · 31/10/2021 20:29

He's spending lots of time in the ICU with your DC, and spending time with his daughter, then trying to take care of himself (going home to get clean clothes etc!) and also seeing you. That's a lot for anyone to manage - especially when you need support too at the moment (on top of the baby in ICU). Combine that with potential ASD and the current stressors in both of your lives, I don't think either of you ABU. I think it's a lot for anyone to deal with, and you both just need to try and muddle through and come out of the other side okay.

100% agree with this. Go easy on him and yourself too xx

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