Is this normal? (Tantrums)

[Suspicioussam]

My nearly 2 year old is being unbelievably difficult. He is not verbal but very bright, so his understanding is way beyond his ability to speak. We suspect some kind of speech disorder but too early for a diagnosis. Definitely not autistic, two professionals have confirmed there are no symptoms of that.
He absolutely goes crazy at the moment if we change his nappy when he doesn't want it changed. Sometimes he wants it changed (poo) but if not he goes ballistic. Same if we change his clothes. He's been in the same vest for 2 days as I have given up changing him. I haven't left the house today or yesterday as I can't face the tantrums.
If I turn the tv off, crazy tantrum. I have to put him somewhere soft and let him thrash around, he won't let me hold him. I'm worried he will smash his head so have to follow him making sure he's safe.
When he is happy he is a delight, funny, cute, engaging, runs around giggling, very active and physically capable (great fine motor skills) into everything, very normal.

I took his dummy away in the day time 2 weeks ago which didn't help. I did this because he was obsessed with it and he can't speak so I was worried it wasnt helping. He's still allowed it for nap and sleep only and has adjusted to this. I think his dummy would help with the tantrums and bring him comfort but I don't want to go back to the days of desperately trying to get his dummy off him and the looks of judgement because my non talking toddler has a dummy in all day.

It's causing major friction in the house. My DH has been out all day with my eldest son as there's just no point us all being out. The grief involved in getting his clothes and shoes on just means hes screaming too much to get in the car. If it was summer I would keep him in his PJ's but he can't be wearing a vest.
He is teething which isn't helping and has calpol for that.
Does this sound normal toddler behaviour or could this be something wrong?? Could it be related to his non-verbal issues?
Today is a particularly bad day but I'm feeling so low at the moment. I do normally get us out the house each day at least to the park, it's just I'm feeling particularly low at the moment and it's hard as we are in a flat so not a case of putting him in the buggy and walking.

He is currently calm and happy as I'm sitting with him on the sofa whilst he watches his 15th episode of Peppa pig which I know is awful in itself but it's all he wants and I can't face another tantrum.
He is also very difficult with food. Won't eat any veg, barely eats any dinner, will find any tiny reason not to eat. So he will eat pizza but only if it looks perfect and is the right pizza. The same flavour at someone else's house won't do.
He will eat pasta if it's plain but any sign of tampering with it and it's game over, won't eat it at all. He loves yoghurts and other sweet stuff same as most toddlers but he can't eat that all day.
Anyway thanks for listening.

That sounds difficult.

Are you sure they are tantrums rather than meltdowns? Or a reaction to sensory sensitivities?

This below link might help even if you don't think he's autistic.

autismawarenesscentre.com/what-is-the-difference-between-a-tantrum-and-an-autistic-meltdown/

I'm really sorry but as an educator, your child does sound like there are traits of autism and despite others telling you he isn't, 2 years old is a very difficult age to diagnose it.

He is probably quite frustrated at being unable to verbalise what he wants/feels, maybe get some flashcards/signs. Here's a resource that may help for communication

pecs-unitedkingdom.com/pecs/

Thanks so much for your responses, I have heard of Pecs but haven't seen it broken down that well before, very useful thank you.
With regards autism, I honestly wouldn't be in denial if I thought he had it. Im very much open to whatever it is that's wrong and wouldn't shy away from any kind of diagnosis.
The lady who saw him last week when I mentioned autism said 'he is definitely not autistic, I've worked with autistic children for 30 years'
I'm not saying she is definitely right and am still open minded, but he is very very engaging. He cuddles people when they are sad, has all kinds of smiles, cheeky smile, naughty smile, beaming smile. He tries to do things to get a laugh, he is so engaging and his other skills are ahead, so physically he can do more than the average for his age. As soon as the therapist arrived he was trying to play with her and show her things. He uses about 20 signs regularly which is helping with communication but I honestly don't think it's enough for him. He is so angry when I can't understand him, it breaks my heart. Sometimes if I don't understand after a couple of attempts he just screams in my face, arms out in pure frustration and then cries.

In answer to the other question, I would say they are tantrums rather than meltdownsnbut they get out of control. They are always due to him not getting his own way. He doesn't want to get dressed so he absolutely won't and the state he gets in when you try means it's hard to calm down.
This evening I gave him a bath (it's been days!) which he loved but he had a tantrum over getting his pyjamas on. He didn't want dinner but demanded a yoghurt after his bath and had a cry over that. I ended up lifting a crying toddler into his cot and he turned over and went to sleep.

Thanks for listening. I guess I'm concerned there is some behavioural issue that might come with speech disorders or some part of the brain affected. I'm wondering what's next to come to be honest.

So. I’m a soft touch when it comes to food. So for me. Any food is ok.

Apparently all I ate for over a year when I was 4 was gosh fingers. Alpha bites and beans. When my mum took me to the drs. He said ‘yeah and?!?

She’s eating carbs. Fats and proteins. What more do you want’

If he’s not autistic and I really don’t know anything about it. But if you feel it’s more behavioural. Then remember this

A child who feels safe. Is one who has firm boundaries. This means that a child knows EXACTLY what they can and can’t do. Feels more safe and secure than one who is allowed to run wild. I don’t mean you have to shout your way to a rigid timetable.

But for example. You wouldn’t let your child play on train tracks. Regardless of how much of a melt down they had (I like to use train tracks as I’ve never met any parents who had said. Yes. I’d let them play on a live track especially if they screamed loudly)

So if they want a certain food. Or they want a certain size hint. You should try to emulate the exact same response each time.

That goes for positive things too.

So if they’ve run across lots of roads and for the first time they didn’t run across. They waited. Make sure EACH time they did that you praised them.

That was the biggest parental guideline that helped massively for me.

Thank you @Nocutenamesleft I think that's a very good point and will take it on board. I think sometimes by giving into tantrums I confuse him a bit as sometimes I give in and other times I don't and he needs to know where he stands.
That's why I decided to be firm on the dummy. I knew I had to be cruel to be kind. It's about the only thing I feel proud of, I feel like I'm failing him in every other way.
His diet is really bad. Honestly if he ate fish fingers beans and alpha bites every day I would be so happy. I really struggle to get protein into him. he used to love peanut butter but stopped. He sometimes eats porridge and banana which makes my day but most days it's a mixture of plain pasta, crackers, plain toast, maybe a few chips or a waffle, bit of cheese on a good day, yoghurt and fruit. He likes fruit thank god (oranges apples and strawberries) I can sometimes get him to eat bolognaise but tonight he had 3 mouthfuls. His teeth aren't helping I dont think either.

@Suspicioussam hi I know it's been a while but if you're still there I'd really like to know how you and your little one are getting on? X

Have you had his hearing tested - for glue ear?
i have a DS with language disorder. He was also v fussy about food - probably sensory issues I would suggest combining baby signing and speech.
They are called terrible 2s for a reason. The speech delay probably doesn’t help.
what SALT is he getting? It’s not too early for that.
Afasic and Ralli are two excellent charities with help for speech issues
But my first step would be to start the sign language. And have his hearing checked for glue ear. Insist on grommets if he has it. Was Life changing for my son.

@Strugglingmummy123 oh my goodness I had totally forgotten this thread. Well if you are struggling and looking for reassurance, I can tell you that he is a different child now. So much so that I didn't recognise my own thread!

He started speaking one month after this thread, and his speech came on leaps and bounds. He is 3 in February and I would say his speech is at least average for his age.

He gets dressed fine, eats much better (not perfect but waaay better) and tantrums are rare and manageable. He is still strong willed but he understands more now and can be reasoned with and can get his views across. He's an adorable, funny little fella and we really enjoy his company 🙂

I'd try a naughty corner. Doesn't have to be heavy, just a few times to make a point.

@Suspicioussam thank you so much for replying I really appreciate it. I am so so glad to read your update, both for yourselves and because (as you'll have guessed) am in the same boat so any positive experience is great to read even if it's anecdotal. You said that autism had been ruled out by professionals -can I ask, did you seek that privately? HV and GP have ruled it out for us too (not in any kind of formal assessment just brief observation and my description of behaviour) but I cannot help but wonder sometimes! I guess the not-knowing of it all is really getting me down and obviously day-to-day it's hard work with a highly-strung little person who cannot tell you what they want!! Again, thanks for coming back xx

@struggling

@Strugglingmummy123 glad it's reassuring to hear 🙂
To be honest I never suspected autism, he was so engaging, always looked me in the eye, pointed a lot, he was social even though he didn't speak. My main concern was verbal dyspraxia, as he didn't have any words at all, not even one word until he was 21 months old. His speech seemed so far behind everything else, and Google kept telling me it wasn't normal.

I sought help through the HV and they referred me to an NHS speech therapist who said wait until he is 2. So I went to two private speech therapists myself, and both weren't concerned about autism. One categorically said he didn't have autism as she had worked with autistic children for 30 years.
His speech then started coming and his behaviour changed with time. It can really feel so hard when you are in the thick of it, but I really hope things improve for you. I honestly wish I had worried less, the worry consumed me for ages. Try to enjoy him when you can, I'm sure he will improve, best of luck x

Also @Strugglingmummy123 I'm not sure how much speech is an issue but we started learning makaton Sign language and it really helped him. I'll never forget one time I got a video from the childminder asking me what sign he was doing. He was doing the sign for pig. Then she realised that he was upset because another child had taken his singing pig toy.
I think sign language is amazing, ive got another baby now and I'll be doing it with him as early as possible.

@Suspicioussam thanks again for coming back, it's really heartening to read your story. I did baby signing with my first and she spoke very early, whether those facts are related or not who knows. I have been doing signing with my youngest now for a few months, it's interesting as he seems to be able to mimic gestures very well (takes me by surprise sometimes!) but mimicking sounds/words is a whole other story! I'm sure it's all going in as he has great understanding, hopefully it's just a slow burn. Thanks for letting me share 🙏xx

@Strugglingmummy123 my first son spoke very early as well, he had sentences by 18 months. I actually think that makes it harder when your second is delayed as it makes you think something must be wrong or that you've done something wrong, but you def haven't, they are all just so different. Good luck 🙂

@Suspicioussam 💐thank you, take care x