I just feel 'peopled out' - if that's a word!

[roadmap24]

Hi! Just coming in here because I'm wondering if anyone is in the same position. Prior to having my LO I was very independent - I spent a lot of time on my own, lived in a major city alone, went to theatres and galleries alone, went to educational talks alone etc. I absolutely loved it. I have a great group of friends and love to socialise but I absolutely love time alone. Now I have a 10 month old boy who I love to bits and a partner - but I just feel completely drained from having to spend time around people all day long. My little boy takes up most of my time and although I love him to bits I just feel completely zapped of energy. I am quite a sensitive person and an introvert and I miss just having time with nobody near me or needing me. My boyfriend thinks it's weird - as soon as my little one is in bed he thinks it's 'us' time and I almost feel like I could cry when he wants to talk to me. I know that's not normal but I'm not getting anything I need right now - I need alone time, it's almost like I can't really function without that headspace. Does anyone else feel the same?

Yes I totally get that and feel the same. It's why I go to bed so late, I need time just to myself after talking to everyone else all day. It does mean I am always tired though!

I understand this completely and my dd is exactly the same.
There are certain things dd does not want to do as it is ‘too peopley’.
When I first had my children I definitely needed a break from someone needing me all the time. Take the time you need.

Yep! I have a 9mo and feel the same! I love my partner and my friends but my socialising tank empties very quickly and I need alone time to refill it.
I told my partner I needed him to go to his friends more (they normally come to us out of habit) and this means I get the odd evening to myself (after baby is asleep obviously) every few weeks, it’s bliss.

Yes, I’m exactly like this too. I’m an only child and I’m not sure if that makes a difference.

It gets a bit easier as children get older as they need you less physically.

Of course it’s normal - you are an introvert and therefore gain energy from being on your own. You need to spell it out to your partner. He needs to understand that you are different from him. I feel exactly the same way, I can’t be with my children and talk to them all day long, it’s so draining. I find my work (mainly working solo from home) really fits with my personality type, but find being a parent hard for the same reason!

Thanks everyone! It's so good to know other people feel the same. I have always been this way - as a child I didn't love parties and always wanted to leave early just to get some down time. I just seek the calm and quiet in everyday life and there's nothing calm or quiet about bringing up a child! Is there anything you recommend for getting that headspace? My partner doesn't understand and takes it personally very often - it's starting to create a divide between us x

I used to go for a looooooong bath on a Sunday afternoon when mine was small. The door was locked and dh dealt with everything until I came downstairs. It gave me the headspace I needed to function.

Yes a loonngg bath with door locked or going for a run if you have the energy. I’m lucky my DH is equally an introvert so he gets it too. I’d talk honestly to your partner it’s really hard work looking after children under5 they are so so demanding.

I'm like this too!

Luckily for me so is my ds who is the only other person who lives here!

It's perfectly fine for you to carve out some time for you. Your partner needs to respect that.

Perhaps sell it to him that one X day a week he is having LO and doing bedtime whilst you go out and so x - then you'll come home and chat to him!

I go out for a bike ride or a walk on my own or even a quiet bit of laundry sorting with a podcast! Your partner is going to need to understand that you need this time for your brain to breathe, maybe explain that you’d love to spend the evening together if he can take the baby out for a bit first etc etc. Rather than just push him away. It is easier when children are older and can be trusted to be on their own watching TV for a bit for example.

I so feel you. We don’t have DC but my DP had to last minute go out this evening and I was soooo excited to have the evening to myself!!! I’m worried about this if/when DC come along to be honest.

Yes absolutely. The is why I end up going to bed at midnight every night, I need an hour to myself after OH has gone to bed.

Me!

I need regular slots of doing my hobby (cycling, often on my own) to keep me sane.
If I don’t get it I’m stressed, grumpy and not the best version of myself.

Thankfully I have a supportive DH so I do get the time out I need (and so does DH)

Taking time out for myself keeps me physically & mentally healthy and means I can be the chilled out Mum I want to be, which is better for everyone.

It’s one (but not the only) reason we stopped at one child.

I am like you OP. Nothing wrong with being an introvert. We have many strengths and many jobs are better suited to introverts.
Just try and talk to your partner and explain just as you have on here.

Absolutely, but took me many years of suffering before I realised it! I used to feel physically ill when I came back from big social gatherings. Sometimes I can't even stand the sound of TV on & probably why I spend so much time on mumsnet 🤔😂

As an introvert you recharge your batteries by being alone. I’m the same! Luckily DH is too so we often just sit in silence of an evening (sounds worse than it is!)

and I almost feel like I could cry when he wants to talk to me

When my youngest 2 were 1 & 2 DH started doing this thing where he would nip home for lunch just as I had put them for their afternoon nap (after a morning of wall-to-wall screaming and dirty nappies). I remember the sinking feeling when I would hear him come in. I would be thinking fuck off, I need time to breathe.

Luckily my DH is an extrovert and loves socialising so will spend time out of the house so I get a few hours here and there most weeks.
But I very much miss having some prolonged alone time.

A long weekend to myself would be welcome. I'd feel a lot better.

I find constantly entertaining others (especially DH's extended family and friends) exhausting but he lives having people over a lot.

Me too! I'm an early bird so love getting up a hour earlier than everyone else and having my breakfast and a couple of cups of coffee in peace. Even DH knows to give me at least half an hour on my own downstairs first, even if he's awake!

@roadmap24

Thanks everyone! It's so good to know other people feel the same. I have always been this way - as a child I didn't love parties and always wanted to leave early just to get some down time. I just seek the calm and quiet in everyday life and there's nothing calm or quiet about bringing up a child! Is there anything you recommend for getting that headspace? My partner doesn't understand and takes it personally very often - it's starting to create a divide between us x

I don't really have real advice OP but you have my sympathies. How was life with your partner before your DS arrived? Maybe you could point out to him all the things you did separately (especially all the things you used to do alone) and remind him of the times you used to recharge etc and try and explain that you still need that time for you. And it's not instead of spending time with him but as well as. But because you have DS now, you have very limited opportunity to make both "us" time and "alone" time and he must understand it's nothing personal 💐

I’ve also learnt over the years that although I like going to social events, I burn out very quickly. So these days if I’m invited to an all weekend hen do or something I’ll only go for 24 hours and make an excuse. I’ll have a great time for 24 hours but then I am DONE

You’re not alone in thinking this - I’m not particularly introverted but I have 4 children under 9, when my husband comes in from work he now knows that I sometimes need 5 minutes by myself - I’m lucky as we live on a farm and have horses etc so doing them in the evenings is my me time!

Yes. I totally understand. I would explain to your partner that you need some down time. Either in the evening after the baby goes to bed. Or maybe he could take the baby at some point and allow you some time off on a regular basis. Time to recharge your batteries. Start sooner rather than later.

I wouldn't even describe myself as particularly introverted. I just need some space!

You need alone time to recharge but it also allows you to spend the time with just him to reconnect better.

It does get easier as they get older and nap for longer etc, but the 24/7 being 'on' for a baby is tough on anyone whether introvert or not. What really helped me was explaining this to my DH and therefore when he was home we'd have set times of him being the 'main' parent and me being no2. He'd be first in for decisions/comforting them/ knowing when to put dinner on or when a nappy needed changed etc. This on top of each having proper time out (sometimes just a quick walk round the block with the dog) helped me massively.