Overwhelming 4 month old

[Blabbyoak]

Hi all.

This is a vent and need of a hug.
I'm struggling to get through the days without snapping at my son. His daytime sleep is so hard. He's never settled easily but would feed to sleep at first. The past few weeks he's been starting to refuse that too which means getting him off for a nap is nigh on impossible. He'll drop off on the bottle only when utterly overtired, I can't put him down AT ALL. And he sleeps for half an hour if that.
He's constantly whining, hates being put down but also hates being restrained in a Sling.
I have a 7yr old daughter who's feeling ignored because I can't ever leave the baby to sleep.
I tried doing some sleep training with him this week and it was awful.
My husband works from home so having the baby cry all day is not an option. The weather has been crap so getting out for walks is difficult and he hates being in the car seat so driving around isn't an option either.
He's fed on demand but rarely finishes a bottle, just snacks on it a lot so I feel like I'm in a constant cycle of feeding and trying to get him to sleep and losing at everything.
My husband works away during the week most weeks for a night or two and it's soooo hard. I don't know why but this time around he's less involved with the baby. He hasn't offered to put him to sleep ever. He will take him for an hour here and there, but I just spend that catching up on chores.
I'm hating it.
I miss my daughter and grieve for my old life where things were so much simpler and fun. I hate the person I have become, snapping, always feeling annoyance that son won't sleep and screams all the time. He stresses my eldest out and I have no time to spend with her, or on my own.

I do try to go to a couple of baby group but I have few friends here that aren't working all the days, and no family around at all.

I know it will get better but right now it's too hard.

Hello OP, I don't have much in the way of advice but sharing solidarity and sending hugs. My 17 week old DD is exactly the same - finding it an absolute nightmare at the moment and I'm so exhausted. Like your little one, she is fussy all day and screams rather than cries. Refuses all naps, whether it's bassinet/car seat (she HATES it) or pram. It is so tough, and I can't imagine having another child during it all so must be doubly difficult. Hoping we both get out of this regression soon!!

Sounds like a very tough patch you're going through.

What's his night time sleep like? How many hours does he do?

Any chance you can ditch the chores as a one off when DH takes baby so you can have some 1:1 time with your daughter? It would probably mean the world to her and you will enjoy it too. Chores can wait. Or DH can do them if he's not helping directly with baby as much this time around.

What's his night time sleep like? How many hours does he do?

His sleep at night us good. Sleeps through four out of seven nights, and on the others he wakes for a bottle once. He goes down between 9 and 10, wakes after 30 minutes then eventually get him back down for the night.

Any chance you can ditch the chores as a one off when DH takes baby so you can have some 1:1 time with your daughter?

We've done this three times since he was born, bug today we've been pumpkin carving so that's been great!

That sounds really tough, mine can't be put down to nap but she will drop off in a sling or the car so your situation sounds much harder. However I gave up on trying to get her down to sleep, accepting the reality that I can't do chores if I'm stuck under a baby helped.
If I was bottle feeding I'd expect more from your husband, you can't be expected to hold everything together when he's away and also keep a baby silent when he's home! Don't wait for offers of help, speak to him and agree when he'll take the baby so you can have time with DD. Is there any spare cash to throw money at cleaning etc?
I'm so amazed by anyone with older children as they get through this stage, you're doing really well

We have had the worst run of luck sorting out a cleaner. I'm.pretty relaxed about what I expect from them, but I've gone through 6! I knew I was having a preplanned section so tried to organise someone. Three never turned up, one died and another quit as she had to do the school run when she'd agreed to come. Such bad luck!

@Blabbyoak I don't have much in the sense of advice but I really can empathise ! My little one is coming up on 20 weeks and as awful as it sounds he's driving me up the wall. Seriously fretful and whingey all day long and my partner has zero patience with him so you're preaching to the choir about unintentionally useless partners. I'm putting it down to teething, a growth spurt or that he's just being a pain because he can !

In terms of your sleep struggles it might be something you've already tried but we have the Graco Horizon All Ways Soother and it can be brill at getting him to sleep during the day or failing that strapping a dummy to his face and holding him horizontally on my chest/abdomen and fairly briskly swaying side to side normally gets him to nod off. Again I imagine you've tried all of this but just on the odd chance you haven't . My little one is the same, I can count on one hand the amount of naps that have lasted more than 30 minutes since he was born.

Only decent thing I can say is coping with the knowledge that it's a phase and will pass, it might pass like a kidney stone but it will pass!

My almost 4 month old doesn't really do naps either. I think it's the price I pay for him sleeping relatively well at night (wakes up only once or twice).

I too feel terrible about not being able to spend much time with DD.

Do you have any one that could help? Family to take him off you once in a while? Keep persisting trying to find a cleaner. It makes a big difference.

Huge hugs. Hope things get better soon!!

OP I completely understand it is SO hard!!! My DD was exactly the same at this age and it almost broke me. She was always a hard baby and my parents were great at helping out once DH went back to work but then at 4mo the pandemic hit and I had to go solo. It was awful and I think I cried more than the baby!
I don't have an older child but I would give this advice (ignore if it's not for you). Can you try to regulate DS feeds? So that he starts to drink a full bottle and maybe with a full tummy he might sleep better? Do you think he might have silent reflux? Maybe he needs a more gentle formula? We found HIPP worked well for DD sensitive stomach.
I must admit that we got to a point that DD was crying so much and wouldn't sleep for more than 30 mins (held or fed or walked to sleep) that I started just trying to get on with my day because she was crying no matter what I did - feeding, cuddling, walking in the pram and my aim was just to accept the short nap and my goal was that she slept regularly. It's so hard to do though because it's like torture hearing your baby cry and not being able to settle them. I felt like a shit mum at least once a day. We also sleep trained at 6.5mo and she has been excellent ever since.
I would also recommend speaking to DH and asking to have maybe a set 20-30 mins every day that you can spend with your DD. Hope you're doing OK. It sounds like your doing a really great job in such a difficult situation x

Did you manage to solve the problem in the end? Or was it a phase thar eventually just passed?

Stuck under a 4month old who will not nap for more than 10 mins unless on me, hates sling etc wondering if I'll ever have my freedom back...even to just make a cup of tea and have a pee ffs!!

Honestly?....... .no ......until.i sleep trained at 6 to 7 months old and what a world of difference that made to his sleeping!
Had to convince the husband and a lot say not to do it before 6 months old. Turns out it was the 4 month sleep regression that hit us hard...and once he was napping properly he was much easier to manage and started sleeping through the night again mostly too. Was brutal but it worked, as did ewan the dream sheep and a white noise machine...life savers!

Happy to talk it through more xxx

Thanks @blabbyoak, appreciate you r reply. Another 2 months tof this then 😅
Just going to have to try to not be pissed off with all the lucky buggers with babies sleeping 12 hours and then doing 4 x 2hr naps etc. God my life would be so much more fun than it is now!

Thanks again for updating!

It might not be that long! You might find they settle more on they're own. It's so hard and I'm sending you all the strength to get through it.
I always felt like I was the only one that had a fussy baby that never slept, but I wasn't and the forums on here show that we are not alone, but it feels like it in the middle of the night!
Sounds like you have been smashed by the 4 month sleep regression as well....do some reading on it, that helped me understand.

Feel your frustrations....so hard to keep your cool when you are so tired and annoyed. It will pass, and faster than it feels at the time..I look back now and can't believe he's 18 months old already!

Hi @Blabbyoak I know this is an old post so I hope you don't mind me resurrecting.
I'm having similar issues with my DS. He is a few days shy of 4 months old and he only ever naps for 30mins throughout the day - I usually get him down for around 4 of these cat naps. He needs to be rocked and sang to sleep each time however feeds to sleep at night. He is breastfed so this can take around 1.5hrs. Much to my horror he then wakes up every 2hrs for feeds - and like your DS he seems to only be "snacking" and never taking a worthwhile feed. He is so sleepy throughout the night that it is impossible to get him to take any more milk, even when woke up - as soon as he's put to the boob he falls straight back to sleep. I am sooooo sleep deprived which makes it so much harder to manage a very full-on baby through the day.
Just wondering if you have any advice?
Also, which sleep training method did you use at 6 months? Not sure id want to sleep train before then either. Thanks x

Hi firstbaba! Welcome to the group! Firstly...you are not alone. Sending hugsxxx

Now to unpack your post...slightly different for me because I switched to bottle feeding ds as he was a nightmare to bf so credit to you for managing to keep up with that, well done!

Sounds like boob is a comforter? Will he take a dummy? Perhaps try one as a transition away from boob and see if it helps settle back to sleep? Just a thought... my daughter loved her dummies, but ds would not tolerate one (tongue tie).

Sleep training is a minefield....but I quickly discovered the best method for ds was cry it out....mainly because trying pick up, put down, disappearing chair or doing the ferber check ins just riled ds up so much more than just leaving him to grumble and whine. Whenever I went in he'd just go ballistic unless I picked him up.and putting him back down sent him bonkers each time so I found it was less stressful for him to just stay out unless he was really going for it, in which case I would go in and try and resettle.
It took some doing and I really inly did for night sleep, as he would feed to sleep for naps, still does. He went from 30 min power naps to 90 minutes and has been at that level since. Also started sleeping for most of the night which was great.
I ended up paying a sleep consultant but tbh I found the same information for free online, so I would advocate doing some reading about it first online.
Hope this helps a tiny bit xx

Oh sending hugs! My LO is very very similar he’s 17weeks and quite frankly some days can be a nightmare. Like yours hates hates being put down just wants to be carried over the shoulder - so my back is broken he weighs 17lbs. He is entertained by very very little at home. It really must be so hard with no family close by to help out! What time do you put baba down to bed? (i know it’s probs not as easy as ‘just put him down for bed’ but if you set a bedtime and then have your eldest up for maybe 30 mins / 1hour later to spend some evening time together?
And i would also ask your other half to look after baba for an hour or two every Sat or Sunday morning so you can take your little girl out even just to a coffee shop and do something out of the house with her so your not distracted! He should really have no problem with that!
I know everyone says ‘it does get better’ and i’m sure it does, but it’s very hard to see it when your in the thick of it!

just seen this is an old thread 😅god i hope it got better for you haha!

Jumping on even later to this thread. When did it start getting easier for you?? We’re coming up 4.5 months and he has a meltdown during most bottles and naps. Then gets so frustrated just playing with toys

Hi there...thanks for reaching out...just know you are totally not alone and no the only one going through though times! See me answer above as to when things started to get better. He's turned 3now and is such a lovely little poppet! It really does fly by (not that it feels that way at the time) and I think all those extra cuddles when he was fussy and would not be out down has turned him into a really sweet cuddle monster. Silver lining...?

@AmberM2022 Jumping on even later to this thread. When did it start getting easier for you?? We’re coming up 4.5 months and he has a meltdown during most bottles and naps. Then gets so frustrated just playing with toys

@CM327509 Hey sorry i have only just seen your reply!! Oh dont worry- god i just read through my comment on this thread and all i can say is that feels like a distant memory haha! I honestly (bring 10000% honest too) it didn’t get better for me till he was around 9months. He really was the most un-content baby, reflux, colic, trapped wind, constipation i felt like i was in hell. Fast forward to now i genuinely LOVE every single day. He is nearly 2 now, and the BEST boy ever i can’t explain! So much so, i’m even trying for a second now, which i was adamant i wasn’t having anymore when we were in the thick of it 😂😂
What did help us was seeing an Osteopath (not cheap) but really helpful for a baby with lots of tension / unhappy belly!

zombie thread didn’t realise