Heavily pregnant, overwhelmed and can't cope with parenting

[Namechangeisgood]

No idea why I'm posting. I suppose just hoping that someone will be able to relate.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with my second baby. I'm physically and mentally exhausted and overwhelmed. I work three days a week (I'm completely coasting, which is making me anxious) but going on mat leave in a fortnight. The remaining two days a week are spent looking after my daughter, time which has always been precious and important to me.

She is almost three, going on 13. She's bright, funny and inquisitive and also challenging, demanding and prone to tantrums. She's the light of my life and, until now, I felt very capable as her mother.

Except now I just can't cope with her. I'm snappy, lazy and boring to be around. My last few precious of weeks just the two of us are being spent in a heap on the sofa watching garbage TV. I take her out, at least once a day, but I can't muster the energy to negotiate the tantrums and demands so our trips to the park or the library are brief and tense. I'll set up painting/baking/playdough and she loses interest after 15 minutes and I spend twice that tidying up. She'll ask me to play with her and I'm too tired to find the enthusiasm, my back gives out after five minutes on the floor and she'll get frustrated that I'm playing it wrong. TV is the only thing that keeps her quiet, still and absorbed. I feel awful, I never wanted to parent like this.

What the f*ck was I thinking, having two children? A newborn is going to be so much harder than this, and I'm already not coping. I had PND after my daughter was born and I feel like it's coming for me again - I'm just unrelenting tired and it's clouding my mood and judgement, I know the signs.

My husband is an angel, he does everything he can to support me and give me breaks. But with a full-time job and a to-do list of things that need doing in the house before the baby arrives, there's not enough hours in the day as it is.

I'm just exhausted and feeling guilty and anxious about how the hell I'm going to cope. Please, can someone tell me that they've felt like this too and that it didn't last?

It will be hard but it will also be ok!!! You're playing a long game - they won't always be small and demanding and one day they will play together nicely (hopefully 😬) & you can have a lie in! Just keep going and cut yourself some slack. You're allowed to be tired and cranky sometimes. Also IPads require no cleaning up 😁

& knowing signs of pnd is good, just make sure you get the support you need ❤️

Might be worth getting some blood work done, anaemia, thyroid levels b12… you might be physically run down from the pregnancy…if that is all normal, give yourself a break, you are carrying a 10lb boulder around all day and probably not sleeping very well

Newborns are actually a bit easier as you can put them down for a bit

28 weeks pregnant with third here. Second child is also 3 and I'm home with her 2 days per week.
It will be easier when baby arrives. I appreciate that is probably country to what received wisdom suggests but after two or three weeks of recovery you will have the physicality you require back and be able to take you baby and your lovely 3 year-old out for walks, to soft play, to museums, etc. New babies sleep a lot (though obvs not at night, that would just be too much to ask!).
My children are also watching heaps of TV, I've allowed iPads in bed with tea and toast at the weekends in the morning while I doze. We swim at the weekend/ on my 'mum days' so I can float about.
Don't forget a small /half glass of red wine once a week or so is perfectly reasonable and never did french babies any harm
If you feel PND creeping up on you then please speak to your midwife and get some support queued up.
Not long to go

*contrary to what received wisdom suggests

The last month of my pregnancy with DC2 was brutal. I was huge and knackered from chasing a 2 year old DC1. It does get better I promise! In the mean time, keep an eye on those PND type feelings and talk about them to your OH, midwife etc.

I wouldn't focus too much on how you are parenting now, as this is temporary and your daughter is too young to remember anyway. As long as she is fed, safe and feels loved, then that's all you need to focus on right now.

There is nothing wrong with watching TV. Do you look back on your childhood of watching TV with anything other than fond memories? I certainly don't. I am 8 months into my second and only really started to get my parenting mojo back a few months ago. My 3 year old has spent a lot of time on her tablet and in front of the telly since baby arrived, and due to tiredness I haven't really played with her very much or had that much quality time. I'm not beating myself up about it though as baby is older now and so much easier and watching them play together is the most amazing feeling ever, and the love your older one will get from the baby will make everything completely worth it!

For the next 2 weeks, could your DD possibly do another day at nursery per week so you can have a day to rest?

Hi OP, you poor thing. I could have written your post - very similar circumstances, my DS is 3 and I'm 36 weeks.

I'm so glad your DH is supportive, but there are just some things only you can do.

Firstly, can you finish work now? You need to rest when you can. Is your daughter at nursery at all?

Also, sounds like you're doing brilliantly with activities. The most I could manage with DS today was me waddling to take him to feed the ducks, distract from a huge tantrum about rain, ignore the piles of lego on the floor that have been there for days and then phone my mum at 4pm to ask her to come and make tea for DS! I gave up. Oh and try to answer the usual toddler Qs like 'why is your wee yellow?'

Toddlers have very short attention spans - usually under 5 mins. If she likes telly, then put it on. Don't feel guilty. Do you have a list of stuff to do - I have a very long one at the moment but looking at it helps me to feel a bit more focused when I have energy.

I'd advise speaking to your midwife or GP asap if you feel you are getting some symptoms you recognise from your PND.

Please PM me if you want to talk more.

@WineIsMyCarb

28 weeks pregnant with third here. Second child is also 3 and I'm home with her 2 days per week. It will be easier when baby arrives. I appreciate that is probably country to what received wisdom suggests but after two or three weeks of recovery you will have the physicality you require back and be able to take you baby and your lovely 3 year-old out for walks, to soft play, to museums, etc. New babies sleep a lot (though obvs not at night, that would just be too much to ask!). My children are also watching heaps of TV, I've allowed iPads in bed with tea and toast at the weekends in the morning while I doze. We swim at the weekend/ on my 'mum days' so I can float about. Don't forget a small /half glass of red wine once a week or so is perfectly reasonable and never did french babies any harm If you feel PND creeping up on you then please speak to your midwife and get some support queued up. Not long to go

Oh goodness, can you be my mum? Tea and toast in bed sounds like bliss!

My DC are very old women in spirit @FrancesFlute

Thank you so much for all these kind replies, it's such a comfort to read.

I've been up since 5am after another nightmare brought her into bed with me (husband on the sofa) - another thing we need to get our heads around and sorted before this baby makes his appearance. We try to keep her in her own bed but she just yells the house down, and at some point I have to think of our neighbours (we live in a Victorian terrace and our walls are about as soundproof as pieces of toast). So we've ended up in a situation whereby most nights she ends up in our bed at some point - not something I wanted and certainly not something I can sustain with a newborn. She won't accept anyone other than me, if my husband goes to her she becomes hysterical. ... God, no wonder I'm knackered.

Writing this post and reading the replies has made me realise I do need to raise PND with someone. It's less that I'm feeling depressed, and more that the triggers for it - exhaustion and being overwhelmed and overstimulated - are starting to build up.

Suggestion for DD

Next weekend book a hotel room for you.

Drop a note round to the neighbors explaining and apologizing in advance for the noise (include bottle of wine if you are feeling generous)
Buy a grow clock or something similar for DD and explain that as she is a big girl she has to stay in bed all night until the clock wakes up and when she does she will get a prize in the morning (insert suitable small bribe)
Leave DH to it for Fri and Sat nights with strict instructions that he is not to give in and let DD out of her bed no matter what (he can sleep on the floor outside her room if need be, but DD is not to leave her bedroom)
You get a full night sleep and a lie in (which it sounds like you desperately need). DH gets to feel like he is really helping you with something important for the whole family. DD gets to learn to sleep through by herself which is very important for the quality of her sleep and brain development. You are better set up for the new baby.

@SeaToSki this is a great suggestion, thanks! I'll put it to my husband, but I think he'd be happy to do this. We both know we need to get it fixed.

Not sure I could stretch to a hotel but my mum lives locally and I know she'd happily have me in her spare bedroom for a night or two!

3 year olds are insanely hard work op, way harder than newborns or immobile babies imo. As regards when you have the baby, do whatever gets you through so if your 3 year old likes cartoons put them on while you are feeding baby etc. I would get a sling, invaluable for when you have more than one dc, i had 3 dcs all close together and found managing a bolting toddler and buggy impossible so just put baby in a sling instead. I got out quite a lot with my dcs and needed to with my toddlers. For long days at home baths are fantastic as they can splash around for ages in them and you can sit beside with a book etc.
You will be way more physically able post- birth too. In the end it all pays off, mine are all older and have been playing together for the last two hours!! Having more than one is a lot easier long-term imho.

I found a new born wasn't hardrer- my toddler ( just 2) was still 90% of the work and the baby much easier and much less demanding.
Your dd will be getting creative play at her 3 day a week childcare - a walk I the park and time at home is fine on others days. I rarely did painting or play dough types things at home.

I definitely found newborn and 3 year old easier than being heavily pregnant with a 3 year old (once I'd recovered from the birth of course), so don't panic. A sling is your friend.

I'd just take the pressure off if I were you. If the outings are stressful and unenjoyable just stay home, lots of telly if that helps. Is she in nursery on the other days? If so even more reason why 2 days of too much telly for a few weeks won't do any harm. My eldest watched so much cbeebies when I had morning sickness, again at the end of pregnancy, and again with a newborn!

OP, you're not lazy you're growing a whole human while looking after another, doing just one of those things is challenging enough. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

Things will improve :)