Loneliness and failure as a mum

[Loveyoumum17]

I'm a mum of 4 children three teens and a toddler who is 4. I work part time and so I'm not always there for her at school pick ups and drop offs. I don't know the parents there to start with and as nursery was shut down from December to March due to covid it hasn't helped. I just don't have much to say or offer as a person and starting a conversation is painful for me i have medication for anxiety and depression which i feel magnifies my feelings. I don't do much for myself outside of my job, i don't have any friends who i can talk to and very isolated at work it's a small team of people. What am I meant to do? Im failing my daughter she wants a birthday party next year because we've had our household only party at home due to covid.how do I ask them to attend?

Ask her who she wants to invite, send the invitations in to the teacher, who can put them in the kid's bags. You're not failing at all, just putting too much pressure on yourself.
I do all the pick ups and drop offs, there are a handful of other parents I might chat to but most of my daughters friends I have no idea who the parents even are.

I agree your putting pressure on yourself.
Also as above teacher will hand them out.
Not everyone talks to each other at pick ups.
Be kinder to yourself your doing great

Lots of mums work, OP, and aren’t ever at the school gate to meet other mums. The kids go to after school care or are collected by childminders or relatives. I was a full time hospital doctor when mine were primary school age.
As PPs advise, just ask your child for the names, and send the invitations in to school with her.
I’m more concerned about your depression and your very negative view of yourself. You are holding down a job and raising 4 children - that’s a massive load and you should feel very proud of yourself for managing it!
I know spare time must be in very short supply, but I think you need to try and find some “ me time” - something (even once a week) that lifts your spirits and gives you enjoyment and a break. Could your oldest teen act as babysitter while you get out for a breather?
It might also be worth seeing your GP to discuss whether your antidepressant medication needs increased or changed.
Give yourself credit for all that you are achieving, OP, you are doing brilliantly.
And have a hug from someone who remembers what it’s like to struggle alone with work and kids. Chin up, and God bless.

@Babdoc

Lots of mums work, OP, and aren’t ever at the school gate to meet other mums. The kids go to after school care or are collected by childminders or relatives. I was a full time hospital doctor when mine were primary school age. As PPs advise, just ask your child for the names, and send the invitations in to school with her. I’m more concerned about your depression and your very negative view of yourself. You are holding down a job and raising 4 children - that’s a massive load and you should feel very proud of yourself for managing it! I know spare time must be in very short supply, but I think you need to try and find some “ me time” - something (even once a week) that lifts your spirits and gives you enjoyment and a break. Could your oldest teen act as babysitter while you get out for a breather? It might also be worth seeing your GP to discuss whether your antidepressant medication needs increased or changed. Give yourself credit for all that you are achieving, OP, you are doing brilliantly. And have a hug from someone who remembers what it’s like to struggle alone with work and kids. Chin up, and God bless.

What a lovely message @Babdoc

Thank you all for the replies to my post, so kind and supportive, I've started new medication so i suppose it's early days and I am probably hard on myself but when my teens are telling me to shut up and go away because I'm asking them to clean up and help out it's soul destroying.

OP, I think all teens should be banished to an island for five years, and not allowed back until they are civilised!
Jokes apart, try not to take their nonsense personally. Your teenagers are at an age for pushing boundaries, pressing your buttons and generally being hormonal, impulsive little shits darlings.
I hope your change of meds helps you to feel more positive and up to dealing with them.
Have a chat to other parents of teens - you will find they have plenty of horror stories to swap with you!
Your new meds may take a little time to work, but give yourself credit for seeking help and getting on the road to better mental health/happiness. When you feel stronger, decide which battles are worth fighting with your teens, establish some ground rules, but don’t sweat the small stuff. If they want to live in a squalid bedroom, leave them to it. And make them responsible for their own laundry and bed changing. You have enough on your plate.
Onward and upward, OP. And every night, praise yourself for getting through another day. You are a trooper.