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Husband on holiday and hasn't asked about DD for 3 months but wants to call her now

16 replies

bellaella18 · 28/10/2021 17:24

Hello!
Husband and I have been separated since February this year. He just decided to not communicate with me anymore over something very small. Baring in mind, this happened on the day I came back with DD from my mum's house after being very sick in hospital. I caught COVID a few weeks later, I texted him to let him know, he texted back 9 hours later to say if I need any food to let him know and didn't bother helping me whilst self isolating with DD or asking how I'm feeling or anything. I tried to speak to him a few weeks after, he didn't want to speak so I didn't try again, because I have tried too many times in the past to save the marriage and I don't want to try anymore, I don't like him nor love him. Anyhow, we were living in the same house with no communication at all. There were instants when he got quite angry and was slamming doors day in day out for no apparent reason. Spending about 30 minutes a day with DD at the most and the rest of his time after work with his brother and friends. We both work from home. I do everything for DD and he didn't help at all with my shifts. Anyways, come first week of July, he went on holiday (Spain - he's originally from Spain and his mum and brother live there as well as all his school friends etc.). We've not heard from him until 30th September, when he texted asking if he can video call DD, I texted back with a date and time and he called her. And nothing since then, until a couple of days ago, he messaged saying he wants to video call her. I have noticed a pattern, that every time I post DD on social media and his sister sees the pictures like her first day at nursery and first school picture , a day later he messages otherwise he doesn't at all. The last time he spoke with her, he said he was coming soon and promised to buy her lots of toys, costumes, take her to the zoo and aquarium etc. so every day for a week after they spoke, she'd ask where he was or why he doesn't want to be home, what he's doing away, why he doesn't want to spend time with her and she'd get really pensive and upset. Nevertheless, I don't want to deprive DD of communication with her dad, so she sent him a couple of voice notes on whats'app, he was online but didn't reply until the following morning, saying thank you, when can I call her. I texted saying now is a good time, she called him but he didn't answer and texted saying he'd call later today, he was in a meeting. It's been 9 hours and still nothing. I just feel like he's messing DD about and is trying to prove a point to his family that he's speaking to her by recording their conversations. Not sure what to do, I really don't want to pick up when he calls but at the same time, I don't want DD to miss the opportunity to speak with her dad.
Just to clarify he doesn't need to be abroad, he chose to work from his mum's house in Spain. Also, I've not filed for divorce yet, as I've had a tough year health wise, difficulties at work and I've also just finished my master's degree.

OP posts:
bellaella18 · 28/10/2021 17:26

I'd like to add that he is a terrible communicator and has cut off communication for up to 3 months a few years ago. He is also like this with his family and friends. He often refuses to communicate with his brothers or mum for months over small disagreements.

OP posts:
Strangevipers · 28/10/2021 17:28

Who wanted things to be over?

Could be he's in a lot of pain and the way he deals with it built running away and avoiding responsibility

Concestor · 28/10/2021 17:30

Unfriend him on social media so he can't see your posts. But facilitate any calls he asks for, for your DDs sake.

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PanicBuyingSprouts · 28/10/2021 19:21

As a short term measure I would change your SM posts so that your DSIL and the ready if their family can't see them. It's pretty easy to do abs you don't have to unfriend them, they just won't see your posts.

I'd also change the locks so that he can't just walk back in without letting you know.

Really hope you can gather the strength for the the Divorce OP, sounds like that should be your next step Thanks

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/10/2021 19:34

@PanicBuyingSprouts

As a short term measure I would change your SM posts so that your DSIL and the ready if their family can't see them. It's pretty easy to do abs you don't have to unfriend them, they just won't see your posts.

I'd also change the locks so that he can't just walk back in without letting you know.

Really hope you can gather the strength for the the Divorce OP, sounds like that should be your next step Thanks

This I would say completely.

Also with calls. Somply don't tell Dd till he calls.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/10/2021 09:15

Did he call DD in the end @bellaella18?

girlmom21 · 29/10/2021 09:24

Block them from seeing your posts and see how often he's interested then. What a knobhead.

bellaella18 · 29/10/2021 09:37

@Strangevipers

Who wanted things to be over?

Could be he's in a lot of pain and the way he deals with it built running away and avoiding responsibility

He wanted things to be over. I am not sure how I can help him as we've not communicated for almost a year now.
OP posts:
bellaella18 · 29/10/2021 09:38

@PanicBuyingSprouts

Did he call DD in the end *@bellaella18*?
Nope he didn't call and he did come online on Whats'app.
OP posts:
bellaella18 · 29/10/2021 09:39

@PanicBuyingSprouts

As a short term measure I would change your SM posts so that your DSIL and the ready if their family can't see them. It's pretty easy to do abs you don't have to unfriend them, they just won't see your posts.

I'd also change the locks so that he can't just walk back in without letting you know.

Really hope you can gather the strength for the the Divorce OP, sounds like that should be your next step Thanks

Thank you for your advice.
OP posts:
PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/10/2021 09:40

Sorry I forgot to ask last night, are you working currently? If you're not or if you're on a low income you might be able to get help with the Court Fee for the Divorce. Have a look here.

I really would change those locks though.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/10/2021 09:43

Nope he didn't call and he did come online on Whats'app

What an absolute tosser. I would keep if of the messages so that if he goes for any kind of custody the Judge can see that you've facilitated contact and he simply hasn't bothered to speak to her.

If it's been a year, I think it's time for you to start planning your future for you abs DD, a future without him.

HailAdrian · 29/10/2021 09:49

I would make it obvious to his family that he's useless tbh, maybe that would do it.

Weatherwax13 · 29/10/2021 09:51

Don't say anything at all to DD unless he actually calls and then you can pass her the phone. Otherwise just don't get her hopes up.
My DD's ex was totally flaky and didn't give a fuck - unless his mother was around, then he'd miraculously call, but it was so infrequent and unexpected that child would clam up and not know what to say which made the git angry!
He now hasn't seen/rung his child since March and my DD actually wishes she hadn't tried to force/facilitate contact at all after the split because the child is now old enough to remember and realises his father doesn't care and he gets horribly upset at times.
It's terrible, but if the writing's on the wall with the father fading away, the younger the child is, the better.
I really feel for you and especially your DD.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 29/10/2021 20:07

Don't say anything at all to DD unless he actually calls and then you can pass her the phone. Agree with this and sorry that your DD abs DGD have been through this@Weatherwax13 Thanks

bellaella18 · 31/10/2021 12:05

Thank you for your messages.

OP posts:
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