Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Toilet training - nursery different approach to home ?

23 replies

KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 16:55

What do you do if your dc nursery are taking a totally different approach ??

I feel it’s going to massively confuse ds and that they should be following our lead -doing the same things/same phrases etc etc and waiting till we have success at home where he’s happiest and most comfortable but it’s just being pushed on us (he’s autistic)

Do I tell them to back off ? Honestly it’s stressing me so so much I could cry

OP posts:
Kite22 · 28/10/2021 17:57

Talk to them and reach an agreement that works.
If he has a diagnosis, possibly with support from whatever autism outreach is called in your area - toilet training a little one with autism is different from toilet training a little one who doesn't have autism.

Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:16

I’m going to as I feel their plan is just going to confuse him and possibly upset him so I need them to mirror what we do at home

OP posts:
CreepySpider · 28/10/2021 19:17

I’m assuming he’s one of the oldest ones to already have an autism diagnosis so it’s possible that those in his room are used to the children being toilet trained already and aren’t thinking this through so well. Have you had a chat and asked them why they don’t want to do the same home routine? If so, what did they say?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Childcare & nursery Families General parenting
Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:24

He s 3.5. It’s a school nursery so all a similar age and they apparently have a few children not trained

The thing is he’s scared of the toilet and has absolutely no awareness / sensation of needing to go/going.

We have been taking a slow approach at home - a couple of books about it, a toy where we get his toys to ‘go to the toilet’ and every single night before bath we ask if he would like to go to the toilet to do a wee ? He gets upset so we say that’s ok and ask would he like to just look at the toilet- gets upset so we leave it but we are hoping this becomes routine with no pressure

Nursery however keep saying to either just put him in pants or now they are saying there’s a 1 month target to get him independently toileting and they will take him in and make clear demands such as ‘trousers down’ and ‘sit down’
I think this is going to upset him

The HV agrees with us and sent us some visual cards to introduce but I’m worried all we do slowly at home will be cancelled out by pressure at nursery

OP posts:
Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:25

He also can’t communicate any needs so that’s why we have been gently introducing the topic and asking him rather than demands

OP posts:
Rover83 · 28/10/2021 19:31

Have you already spoken to them? If so I would find somewhere else especially if it's a school nursery as this inflexibility for a child with Autism would give me massive doubts on whether that is the right environment for your child both now and in the future

Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:34

Yes we have discussed already a couple of times but we recently got the targets sheet and that was on there. Everything else is fine snd appropriate but this I think will really stress and confuse him

OP posts:
Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:35

We feel the breakthrough needs to come at home and then start mirroring in nursery with no time limit !

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 28/10/2021 19:38

Have you looked at the ERIC website? They have lots of toilet training advice for those where things are trickier e.g. SEN. It might be helpful to back up what you are saying to school. www.eric.org.uk/blog/tackling-problems-with-toilet-training-autistic-children

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 28/10/2021 19:38

They shouldn’t be doing anything that you have asked them not to. I work with children with Autism and it sounds like you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:39

Yes we looked at the autism website too which said you should all start at the same time with any toilet training but they seem to want to push ahead

OP posts:
Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:40

My concern is he will get upset and confused or that if he does comply he will ‘shutdown’ and he won’t actually understand why he’s having to get undressed and sit on the toilet if he isn’t getting the feeling to go or recognising the feeling
We always try to be gentle and not make demands and ask him and give choices but this is the opposite

OP posts:
Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:41

We feel that’s as he’s not been in any kind of childcare setting before that he needs to just settle in for the time being and get used to his surroundings and adults and children there etc and not be rushed

OP posts:
MistyFrequencies · 28/10/2021 19:43

My son is the same age, also Autistic. We are taking similar approach to you. His nursery are doing nothing, said to link them in once we feel it's appropriate for them to begin working on it with him and we could then make a joint plan.
I'd be very stressed in your position too and if they didn't change approach after discussion (maybe put your plan in writing?) Id be seriously considering leaving them.

NellieBertram · 28/10/2021 19:43

Can you keep him home for a week and start toilet training your way, so he's quite familiar with it once he goes back to nursery?

Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:55

@NellieBertram

Can you keep him home for a week and start toilet training your way, so he's quite familiar with it once he goes back to nursery?
We’ve been trying for such a long time that I think of we keep him off he will then miss out on other important aspects that he needs sp it’s tricky. Plus he knows his routine and he’s been very upset this week not to go . I think it’s going to take longer than a week as well we just need to get him to look at the toilet at least which would be a start
OP posts:
Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 19:57

@MistyFrequencies

My son is the same age, also Autistic. We are taking similar approach to you. His nursery are doing nothing, said to link them in once we feel it's appropriate for them to begin working on it with him and we could then make a joint plan. I'd be very stressed in your position too and if they didn't change approach after discussion (maybe put your plan in writing?) Id be seriously considering leaving them.
I get a niggling feeling they think we aren’t even trying perhaps, they haven’t said as much but they just seem overly pushy.

We’ve tried all the strategies we can think of (we have older dc who were all trained no issue around 2.5 years so we know what works ! But ds is obviously very different so we need to try a gentle approach)

It feels like they dont get it by the fact they’ve even set a time this has to be achieved by?

OP posts:
NellieBertram · 28/10/2021 20:00

Children can be very different at nursery and at home. You might find he's more co-operative and more likely to follow the nursery routine and copy the other children at school.
If it has become a high-stress area at home, maybe let them just have try at nursery and take it from there?

Original poster
KrispyKake · 28/10/2021 20:03

@NellieBertram

Children can be very different at nursery and at home. You might find he's more co-operative and more likely to follow the nursery routine and copy the other children at school. If it has become a high-stress area at home, maybe let them just have try at nursery and take it from there?
Yes this is very true but I feel now they are going to be pushy because they’ve got a date it needs to be achieved by rather than something he picks up naturally
OP posts:
MilkCereal · 28/10/2021 20:08

Contact the nursery and refuse the target- is this an iep set linked to his EHCP? If so you get to amend it it's not there document to set. I would send the visuals in and explain how you are doing it- put it in an email too- then explain an exception should be made for him as autistic. Lots of school nurseries push for all toliet trained by reception or some wont take 3 year olds not trained. This should not apply to asd children.

MistyFrequencies · 28/10/2021 20:09

I don't really have any suggestions I just feel for you. A stressful situation.

MilkCereal · 28/10/2021 20:11

Sorry just seen you e be trying a long time. Do you have a toliet symbol? Can you use this and walk to toliet 3 times at least a day and build from there? Let him flush the toliet after pouring a cup of juice in etc. Gradually move to sitting. Do you have that symbol? How does communicate? Pecs? Symbols? Low tech boards? Scerts?

CreepySpider · 30/10/2021 11:20

The approach the nursery are going for seems sensible and logical for most children but it’s very different with SEN and they should be either respecting that or else chatting with you about how they are unable to fulfil his EHCP (assuming he has one).

New posts on this thread. Refresh page