Sometimes I feel like a terrible mother

[Whathefisgoingon]

Tonight I made a conscious effort to actually have a full conversation with my 20 month old about what he had done with his dad today, where he’d gone, what he’d seen. He stared at me in awe, mesmerised.

I always talk to him but not as full on and animated as this, and he loved it. Why haven’t I been doing this all along?

My toddler has many words but doesn’t string together any sentences yet and I feel like it’s my fault. I read to him every day but clearly I am not doing enough.

He was born 2 weeks before the first lockdown and he is my first.

I don’t feel comfortable with lots of indoor groups due to covid so instead we go to the play parks and other outdoor spaces, but my friends take their toddlers to indoor soft play all the time, and I feel like a terrible mother.

I am so scared that I have failed him, that I will continue to fail him all the time.

He has mountains of toys but he’s far more interesting in my things. I Google age appropriate toys to help him develop, then get overwhelmed by the choice and end up feeling like once again I am failing him.

I so desperately want him to be happy and feel the love that we feel for him. His face lights up when I walk through the door from work and he greets me with a cuddle as he says “‘mama!”, so I am sure that he does. But am I enough?

Any other first time mums questioning themselves this evening? Blame it on the weather, perhaps..

You haven't failed him. Babies are learning sponges, they learn at every opportunity. If you are talking to him and reading to him that is exactly what he needs. Some basic toys are good to let him learn about manipulating objects but it doesn't need to be fancy electronic stuff. Blocks are fine.

See how he's doing in terms of standard language milestones:

Age-Appropriate Speech and Language Milestones

What babies need most is love and attention and he's getting both!

By the way, I have two kids, both in uni now. I doubted myself too. They turned out fine.

we all feel rubbish. A lot! (and great other times).
Go to a play group - what's the worst that can happen?
Go the beach, or the forest make yourself feel better

Thanks both.

Unfortunately I lost my own mother when I was 15 and whilst my mother in law is lovely and doting, she has her own life that keeps her busy. I don’t really have that mother figure that everyone else around me has, helping them along the way.

He was probably loving it because he's reached an age where he can start to understand you! Don't beat yourself up OP, when they're tiny all they really need is food, sleep, love and cuddles. The fun starts now when you can interact more and play together! You sound like a great mum so don't worry at all.

You’re doing great. He is loved and cared for. You are not a terrible mother. (We all feel we’re failing at times/terrible mothers, it is fortunately rarely true) And I’m certain definitely not in your case!

But am I enough?

Yes.

My mother was no help at all with my kids. She was too scared she'd wind up having to provide child care.

Get the book Cribsheet: A Data-Driven Guide to Better, More Relaxed Parenting, from Birth to Preschool by Emily Oster It's brilliant, practical, parenting advice. The author is an economist at Brown University in the US and a mum. I tried linking to it on Amazon but it didn't work, unfortunately.

She also does a free email newsletter and blog. Much better than asking your mum.

emilyoster.substack.com/

My kids just love chatting with me and just tagging along doing mundane tasks!

They are toddlers and they love putting the shopping away, playing at the sink, whisking eggs and making toast. I just narrate what I’m doing with them, I ham it up a little bit WOW LOOK AT THE EGGS, ARENT THEY BIG!!! etc etc. But mostly we just do stuff together, rather than focuses on toys and playing.
We do play as well, and we read a lot, and I sing a lot (terrible voice) but they love it.

I don’t think we need to have structure and checklists of things, I think little kids want to be with us, they are curious and nosy and just want to copy.

There’s no way you’re failing at it OP, have confidence, your baby will worship you for many years yet

I think we must all feel like this sometimes OP. The fact that you care enough to ask on here tells me you’re a wonderful mum and your little boy is lucky to have you

I honestly don't think it's anything you have done, for the most part they do just talk when they're ready.

Also, I have a similar age child and he's the same- he would rather wander around with my keys. My first child loved the shape sorter-15 shapes in total and had mastered it almost by 18 months. Second one couldn't give a shit, wanders around being silly, getting hold of random stuff, yesterday was a plastic bitbof backing paper 🤷‍♀️. It's just his personality, enjoy him and keep doing what you are doing.

Oh and just read...not everyone has the mother figures you talk about...far from everyone.

My son is 21 months and I often feel the same… eg. Why am I not talking animatedly to him/ making him squeal with glee/ making up new games etc etc 24/7.

It’s okay. You love him and you’re doing a great job. You’re more than enough. I think many of us feel this way sometimes

@Whathefisgoingon

Tonight I made a conscious effort to actually have a full conversation with my 20 month old about what he had done with his dad today, where he’d gone, what he’d seen. He stared at me in awe, mesmerised.

I always talk to him but not as full on and animated as this, and he loved it. Why haven’t I been doing this all along?

My toddler has many words but doesn’t string together any sentences yet and I feel like it’s my fault. I read to him every day but clearly I am not doing enough.

He was born 2 weeks before the first lockdown and he is my first.

I don’t feel comfortable with lots of indoor groups due to covid so instead we go to the play parks and other outdoor spaces, but my friends take their toddlers to indoor soft play all the time, and I feel like a terrible mother.

I am so scared that I have failed him, that I will continue to fail him all the time.

He has mountains of toys but he’s far more interesting in my things. I Google age appropriate toys to help him develop, then get overwhelmed by the choice and end up feeling like once again I am failing him.

I so desperately want him to be happy and feel the love that we feel for him. His face lights up when I walk through the door from work and he greets me with a cuddle as he says “‘mama!”, so I am sure that he does. But am I enough?

Any other first time mums questioning themselves this evening? Blame it on the weather, perhaps..

With the best will in the works - chill out! You're projecting an awful lot.

Your son might have been mesmerised today but if you spoke to him like that all the time he soon have to learn to zone you out 🤣

Children develop just fine using their own great drive to develop - you just have to provide the safe setting and the framework and the love and care. Your lad will manage the rest!

Relax and enjoy him - you don't have to do every step of his development for him - he sounds like he's cracking on with it quite satisfactorily.

When my eldest was at primary I obsessed about her reading levels in reception. She was way ahead. I thought oh thank goodness I spent this time on it with her.

When my second went I was older and tireder. I did not obsess. He learned to read at an average rate rather than finishing the reading scheme by the time he turned five.

Anyway now they're 12 and 10 and they can both read well. 10 year old more adventurous actually in his reading.

@Whathefisgoingon

Thanks both.

Unfortunately I lost my own mother when I was 15 and whilst my mother in law is lovely and doting, she has her own life that keeps her busy. I don’t really have that mother figure that everyone else around me has, helping them along the way.

So sorry you lost your mum.

Maybe you can imagine a lovely mum inside - who talks to you, who squeezes your arm, who tells you what an awesome mum you are and what a lovely boy your son is.

Rather than a kind of berating witch inside who tells you you're rubbish and failing him and have probably ruined him for life.

Good luck.

You sound like a lovely mum - just far too hard on yourself! Be a calm loving secure presence with some chatting and stimulation more than enough

Thanks everyone.

You sound like a great mum.
My little girl is just turned 2 and hardly has any words so I feel like I've failed her. It's natural to blame yourself for everything I think, even though you shouldn't.

This is totally normal, we all get caught up with life days roll into nights.
I read somewhere there's 10 minutes x 3 when loving interaction lasts for ever.
10 minutes when they wake, before they sleep and after daycare/school if I do 2 of 3 I'm happy.
Use bath time for interaction if everything else is busy.

His face lights up when I walk through the door from work and he greets me with a cuddle as he says “‘mama!”, so I am sure that he does. But am I enough?
You're more than enough You're his world, his Mama.

I'd start going to the playgroup. Babies need to get exposed to germs otherwise your just delaying it until he gets to Pre school.

Sounds Like everything else your doing it just fine.