Talking about deceased grandparents

[Missingmum2]

My 3 year old today asked me where my mummy was. I somehow didn't think I'd get this question so soon and wasn't prepared at all.

She passed away quite young of cancer. What is age appropriate to tell him?

I vaguely remember reading that it's best to avoid concepts/ metaphors and be more matter or fact.

But talking about death with a 3 year old seems like I'm robbing then of their innocence somehow.

Sadly my DHs mum also died of cancer so our poor child doesn't have a grandma :(.

Does anyone have experience with this?

Unfortunately I do - my FIL passed away in front of my children (2 and 4 then) 18 months ago so it inspired a lot of questions.
We have stuck firmly to the line that when you die it means your body has stopped working and the doctors can’t make it work any more. I’d say a similar thing to your child - it’s really tough and they do tend to knock you sideways with follow on questions. But they also puddle jump and just flit from death to Lego or whatever they’re thinking about next
Explain that it made you sad - if you feel like you will be sad talking about it - but try and stick to facts if you can.

My husbands dad died when he was very young. We told the truth from a very young age. Around the time they start to understand that nanny is mummy's mum etc. They also had a very close relative die when they were young (2&4) when we also explained matter of factly. I think kids handle more than you think.

You just say she is dead. A 3 year old won’t properly understand what that means in the way we do so don’t expect them to be upset. When they’re older they may have more questions, but for now just answer the questions they actually ask not the ones you think might follow ie about what happened.

I've got two kids, and I sheltered the older one from all mentions of death until he was about 4 or 5. Then when my mum's dog died, and I had to explain this, he had a constant barrage of questions and was a little unsettled by this new concept. The questions were upsetting for me too, at times, and I think it was almost daily for about a year!

With my younger son, who is 3 years younger, I decided to be a little more open about it from a much younger age, certainly it had been explained in simple terms plenty of times by the age of 3, whenever it came up in conversation. This was partly just because it's much harder to avoid certain topics when you already have an older child asking questions about it in front of them!

I much prefer it this way and wish I'd been more like this with my eldest son. Like you, I was worried about robbing their innocence but actually a 3 year old cannot possibly comprehend the finality of it in the same sense as we do anyway, so even if you explain it as well as you can, they still retain a very innocent/naive outlook on life and death regardless. As a result, they ask questions here and there over time, as their minds become more mature and inquisitive about it, and you simply reiterate whatever answers you're prepared to give them. Over time their understanding of it slowly gets closer to our adult understanding of it. And I found that a lot easier than suddenly revealing this sad concept to them age 4 or 5.

@JennyofLancashire

You just say she is dead. A 3 year old won’t properly understand what that means in the way we do so don’t expect them to be upset. When they’re older they may have more questions, but for now just answer the questions they actually ask not the ones you think might follow ie about what happened.

This. It sounds harsh, but at that age, it really won't faze the child at all, especially if it's someone they've never known.

You just say they're dead. As harsh as that sounds!
It's then up to you if you give any details and which details .....
My mum died in very traumatic and violent circumstances so we've not told my 7 year old that obviously, but he knows my mummy died as I've always been open about that.

At a young age I had to explain to mine that their grandad had died which meant we wouldn't see him again but we would be able to remember him.
I think its better to be straightforward.
It is heartbreaking to have to address the issue of death when children are still small, but that's our upset to bear as adults, sadly. Trying to skim the issue by using vague cover ups isn't in the children's best interests and unintentional trauma can result imo.

My mum died last year very suddenly and my only-just 4 year old was incredibly close to her. That was bloody tough.

But as others have said - we explained that her heart had stopped working and she had died, and that we were all very sad that we wouldn’t be seeing her anymore.

Questions pop up and floor me at times (Will you die? Will I die? Where is nana now? Is that Nana’s graveyard? Is grandad lonely?) but I tackle them as they come as honestly and simply as I can.

Yes, both my parents died when my dc were very little.

At that age they are very matter of fact. Just answer the question honestly. Don't expect a lot of empathy - they are very much 'in the moment' at that age. Most dc don't really even perceive that their Granny is their Mum's Mum and so forth. There is often a lot of confusion about an adult's dh being "Jane's Daddy". 'Daddy' is just a word for "man you associate with that lady" they have no concept of age of adults.

My DC are 5 and 3 and both my parents have died within the past couple of years, so my eldest remembers them and is full of questions.

As a PP suggested, I say they died, because their bodies stopped working. Kids will basically ask as much as they feel they can take on, I find. As DD has gotten older, she gets a bit more into what it all means, are we all going to die, etc.

I tell my DD that she has a grandad who died; I’ve always felt it’s important to use the word rather than some kind of platitude. I explain that as the person has gone and we won’t see them again but they still love us just as much. My mil has mentioned heaven but I’m not sure I want to bring that in. My DD doesn’t totally understand it obviously but it’s a start

Do you have pictures of your mum in the house as l see with my nieces they point at the gds picture and say to me
That's my Mummy's dad..he died.
They are so matter of fact but having the picture there keeps him as part of the family and a familiar face.