Does your DH/DP hear baby in the night?

[IcedCoffeeAlways]

Just that really? Does he hear them when they wake?

Baby is 11 months and still wakes a few times per night. DH works away from home on a rotation (works 4 weeks away then is on leave and is home for 4 weeks not working). Obviously during that 4 weeks away, all parenting is on me. I’m now back at work PT and we have childcare while I work but I’m still up multiple times per night with baby. During DHs 4 weeks off, he looks after baby while I work PT. It was always our intention for him to do the nights (or at least when I’m working the next day) too - but he doesn’t hear the baby waking.

He’s really hard to wake at night - he’s always been a very deep sleeper. Wouldn’t wake for a phone ringing, or me shouting him while in the same room etc. Obviously I’m tired doing the night wakes and working (I’m probably getting about 4 hours of broken sleep per night by the time I get back to sleep each time) - but I’m more concerned about DH - he gets really upset and down on himself over the fact he doesn’t hear the baby. He keeps telling me he’s a useless dad. He’s absolutely not - he’s an amazing dad and husband and more than pulls his weight in every other aspect.

He couldn’t hear him when he was in the bedside crib in our room, and now doesn’t hear him on his monitor etc. Doesn’t matter is baby is just tossing and turning, coughing, shouting for us, or full on crying - DH sleeps through.

My DH is like this. He will be happily snoring away while I'm up with the children. I find I wake at the tiniest little noise from my two. I used to be a deep sleeper but I think maternal instinct kicked in.

If I wake my DH, he will happily see to our two and let me get some sleep. When they were little, I did find it hard to go back to sleep though if they were crying. I find it easier now they are older.

DH will also get up in the morning (I've got early risers) and let me have a lie in to catch up on sleep.

My other tactic is to go to bed early (as in 8pm) a couple of nights a week to make sure I'm rested.

Not always, but we make sure the baby monitor sits on each bedside table equally. I usually wake anyway but I’m more likely to if the monitor is a few inches away from my head, rather than the other side of the bed.

DD never woke me in the night, I just never heard her. Then dh used to have to wake me when she cried. After a few days of this I slept propped up with music on so I never went into too deep a sleep. Was like a zombie by 6 weeks.

DH and I found that who woke up depended on what time it was. Early on in the night (say before 2am), he would wake up and I wouldn't, in the early morning hours it would be the other way around. Quite handy really as it meant we could split the night shift without even trying!

I could have written this post OP! DP is exactly the same and I’m so envious- I’d love to be able to sleep so deeply!

No. Apparently he never did 😡

My DH is exactly the same as yours OP but when I want him to do night feeds I wake him up and he takes over while I try and sleep again. I have spoken to a few people and from what I can gather it is a biological thing, women are more likely to wake up to babies than men. It's just one of those things, he definitely shouldn't be upset with himself about it!

Nope sleeps through most crying although says he doesn’t. The snoring says otherwise

DD is 3.5 years now and DP has never been woken by her. She still wakes at least once a night. He sleeps in the room next to her and the wall is thin but she doesn’t wake him. I hear her from 3 rooms away!
Second baby due in a couple of months and I suspect he’ll sleep through then too! I figure it must be some kind of maternal
Instinct thing. I’d having a monitor in his room but I think DD would more likely be roused by the noise than he would.

Not really. But doesn't get pissed off of it's his turn to go and I shake him a bit.

When DC were 4 and 2 I went away for 2 nights and he had a monitor for the younger one he put on an extension so it was right by the pillow to make sure he heard her if needed. Whereas I would just hear her from her room.

He learnt very early on when DC1 was small and he occasionally said, "that was a good night wasn't it!" to rephrase that to a cautious, "was that a good night? Were you up?".

He's never been averse to taking his fair share of nights, just needs to be woken up rather than waking by himself.

My husband is the same. It’s partly hormonal (especially if you’re breastfeeding, your hormones actually make you sleep more lightly when you’ve had a baby so you wake for them) and partly just that he is a heavy sleeper.

I’m now back at work and he is on parental leave, so he’s doing all the night wakings. The first few times I had to really work to wake him, which was infuriating because I was then wide awake too. But after a couple of weeks of that he had started waking for the baby himself, sometimes even before me. I think he has been trained to hear it more by being woken every time. Might be worth you seeing if that helps!

It is an actual thing. A baby crying isn't in the top 20 things that can wake a man!

DH ia far more likely than I am to wake when the children do, and it was the same when they were babies.

I (man) totally transformed when my son was born and now wake up to the slightest sound, it's very annoying. I went from a really deep sleeper to waking up to the sound of the grass growing

My DH is never woken by the children. Worryingly he also slept through the smoke alarm one night when it randomly went off. He sleeps so deeply. The kids only need to fart in their sleep then I’m awake!

I think everyone is different. My DH is a lighter sleeper than I am. He used to be woken first by our babies and then he’d wake me up to breastfeed and then when I was done, he’d take the baby back, do nappy change, burp/wind and walk them back to sleep.

Thanks everyone! Nice to know it’s not unusual!

Just to add - he’s more than happy to get up and do the wakes if I wake him up when baby needs us but baby usually settles really quickly if you catch him quick and by the time I wake DH to go through baby is wide awake and cranky and there’s just no point in that because then I can’t get back to sleep anyway 🤣

I am genuinely worried about how we’ll cope going forward though. I have to go away next month for 2 nights for a training course for work. Too far away to just attend each day and not stay over so I’ll be gone 2 nights and DH will be here alone with DS 😓

When my first was a newborn, I'd sleep through her crying. In the morning, I'd marvel at how well she slept, before my husband admitted he's just let me sleep and do the feeds (we were bottle feeding and meant to be alternating).

So i took her downstairs, and i slept in the sofa for 3 nights, with her in the Moses basket next, to me, so my husband couldn't easily bail me out, and this trained my body to wake.

From then, we were both responsive, but interestingly, only when we were on duty (we'd swap sides of the bed at 3am, lol) . Most crying we could both sleep through when it wasn't our responsibility. Its funny gow the brain can do that.

The point being, your husbands brain hasn't clocked that he's in duty, either because he's not used to it, or he internally didn't think it's good responsibility.

If he genuinely isn't waking, he's but doing it deliberately, but there are things you can do so help his brain switch on.

No. I think the earth could move and DP wouldn't wake. Now they are older I'm even awake within the first few steps before they open our bedroom door.

Pisses me off a treat as I often can't go back to sleep if I'm woken after midnight ☹️