9 year old struggling socially

[sofia31]

My 9.5 year old DS was late to develop friendships. By year 3 he did make a small group of friends (all girls). They do seem to like him, and we have invited them to our house a few times. They seem to get on and have fun together. However the girls never invite him back. They have lots of friends and we often see them going home together on their own playdates. I want to help him develop his relationships, but don't want to keep pestering his few friends to come to our house.

DS is very quiet and has never hit it off with any boys, despite me arranging playdates when he was younger. He just didn't seem interested.

Covid hasn't helped, now suddenly he is in Yr 5, and I can't imagine how he will cope at secondary school.
I've tried to offer clubs he could join to meet new people and learn a hobby. He refuses to consider any. He loves staying at home and following his own interests eg board games and quiet things.

Any similar children, and ideas that have helped them move on with their relationships?

Does he need to move on with his relationships? I mean, is he actually unhappy as it is? Some children are just happy in their own company, and end up trying to be social to please an adult, who thinks that is how they 'should' be.

if he's bothered, of course, that's a different issue, but it might be that he just hasn't found anyone he really clicks with, and that's OK too. Sometimes secondary school is better, as there is a larger pool of children to be friends with, and a lot more clubs and activities to occupy time at break/lunch etc, if he doesn't have friends but doesn't want to be alone, either. And he might make friends through them, too.

Does he seem to actually struggle socially, as in not know what to say, or is very anxious/shy, or have problems with not listening to others/being bossy, giving monologues etc? Or is it just that his interests are different to the other children's?

Thanks for your reply. He does seem happy in school, yes.
He is shy and awkward, but is gradually becoming more confident. I just worry his play is very immature, and the girls might move on from him, leaving him with no one. Perhaps I shouldn't worry about what might not happen!

I hope he will find a group he clicks eventually, as his interests are different from all the other boys I know. He is serious, loves dinosaurs, countries, capitals and flags etc. Favourite game at the moment is scrabble which he beats me at! If he could join a chess club I'm sure he would love that.

I have often wondered about ASC, but school have always dismissed my concerns as he is very bright and thriving at school. He doesn't have meltdowns at home, so as he functions well at school and happy at home, they said he wouldn't warrant a referal.

My DS10 sounds similar. He has friends but hasn't managed to develop a core group or even just one best friend whereas my DS7 has a very clear friendship group. I feel like he is becoming more and more on the fringe as all his friends mature. I've tried to make suggestions and encourage him to join some clubs outside of school but it's an uphill battle.

He is diagnosed ASD and the close friendship gap is becoming more of an issue for him as he sees friends meeting outside of school and he can't work out how to be more included. He seems to spend slightly more time with girls but doesn't get why they tend to only invite other girls for playdates. I did used to be more proactive in inviting kids over but tbh it was a bit of a slog as he would get bit fed up of accommodating them for more than an hour or so unless they wanted to play/watch exactly what he wanted.

That's how I feel, that suddenly he is standing out more, and I feel the social gap could widen.
It does feel like such a slog to have friends over, and I worry they will think he is immature when they see him at home. Playground games tend to be chasing games I think, so not much communication needed.
His teacher isn't concerned, but he is clever and well behaved, so not flagging up.