Eldest struggling with newborn

[StormInAGinGlass]

I am sure this is common but just looking for some advice / reassurance.

Since having my second child my DD (nearly 4) has completely changed. I had a section so the first week or so was hard because I physically couldn't do anything with her other than talk and read stories.

She has become withdrawn, sad a lot of the time, won't come near me or her new sibling and is generally just tired and emotional.

We've been careful in keeping as close to her routine as possible and she was so excited for the baby to be here. We prepared her as best we could and knew that it wouldn't be what she was expecting but this behaviour is worrying me so much.

She now doesn't want to go to preschool, won't join in at play dates or any of her groups and isn't content being at home either. The only time she seems really happy is when she is one onfn one with her grandparent

If possible, try and involve her in caring for your newborn in a way which empowers her. Let her choose what babygrow your newborn wears today, let her choose a song to sing to the baby, ask her if she’d like to share her favourite story with the baby, etc….
Also, if you haven’t already done so, buy her her own doll and cot, baby bath etc…

She's got the doll but isn't interested, great idea about the choices empowering her. We originally tried getting her to help with things pass nappies etc but it felt like we were just making her do more work which she didn't respond well too haha!

I agree with giving her little choices.
She can read her favourite book to the new baby.
I do think newborns are hard for children as they can't do anything as such.

Why not take her out on a little Christmas shopping trip to choose a little present to give your newborn. She might even be able to help you wrap it.

That is such a good idea I bet she would love that. I still can't drive but might be even nicer to get dh to drop us off for an hour just us, To make it a little more special. Thank you

Re shopping, I would do it the other way around. Say she had been such a helpful new sister etc that you would like to treat her to a gingerbread man in cafe/ new sticker book/ etc… otherwise it might seem to get at the moment that ‘baby’ gets everything and her nothing.
Christmas shopping for baby nice idea also, but maybe better in a months time.

I think the best thing you can do is make space for her to be a bit heartbroken for a while and not try to find a magic way of making things better when her whole life has just been turned upside down.

I know that sounds a bit dramatic, she'll adjust with time. She's just having big feelings. Talk to her about how she might find it hard or feel sad, give lots of reassurance and praise. DD used to like the odd bit of being babied too, so snuggled up and go coochy coo etc. DD also benefitted from being in childcare to get away from babyland.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, it's just hard for a while.

She might also like a little den to retreat to? Dd claimed a space between the sofa and wall, bean bag and a pile of books and it's her cosy safe place.

Re shopping, I would do it the other way around. Say she had been such a helpful new sister etc that you would like to treat her to a gingerbread man in cafe/ new sticker book/ etc… otherwise it might seem to get at the moment that ‘baby’ gets everything and her nothing.

Definitely this! Make her feel like there’s an advantage to the new baby being here, maybe with a small treat every week for being a good big sister. In time she’ll love her new sibling and won’t remember life without her so don’t worry, it’s very early days at the moment.

Also, we had a 5 year gap between our 2 and everyone was saying to get our older one involved, tell him he could help with his sister, get the wipes, pass the nappies etc. I remember telling him all this, trying to involve him and he just said ‘but can I just play instead’. So I agree about the making it feel like work for her and don’t push that. Let her life be as normal as possible.

What we did was for one of us to have the baby and one of us spent time with just our oldest for a couple of hours each evening, as he was at school during the day. Also when family visited, they spent some time with our son but then had the baby so I could spend some time with just him. To be honest he never struggled with jealousy and maybe he wouldn’t have anyway but we tried to just show him that he’d still get time with everyone on his own and not everything was about the baby, despite a new baby being all consuming for us as parents. It did feel a bit like tag team for a few months and my partner and I never really spent much time together in the evenings for a few months but I think it paid off.

And once his sister was smiling and laughing, our loved to be the one making her do that by doing silly things. By the time she was 4 months, he would sit and show her his toys, make silly noises etc to entertain her whilst I grabbed a quick shower. Newborns are lovely to parents but quite boring to children until they can interact a bit.

It’ll get easier.

Ahh thank you this is all very helpful. Because of feeding in struggling to get one on one time with her but I think that will be my priority now

I can’t stress how important it is to remember that jealousy is natural. How would you feel if your DP came home with another woman and said ‘we are all going to live together’. It is very healthy that your DD is showing her feelings as suppressing them would warp her personality as she grows up.
None of this wisdom is my own. I heard it on the radio many years ago when I was having similar problems with my own DD but it saved my life and my sanity.

Her world has just been turned upside down, she is used to having both her parents to herself and all of a sudden she doesn't.

Definitely some one on one time with her but a treat for her being so amazing nothing for the sibling. I have a 3 year gap and was a SAHM for 18 months before Ds2 arrived. Ds1 took a while to adjust to not having me all to himself.

Leave the baby with dh and have some 1 to 1 time with her. It's such a huge upheaval for them.

We have a 4yo and a 3 month old. He wasn't really interested when baby was young but now that baby is smiling he loves loves loves making them smile

We did a lot of 121 time with him with each parent taking 1 child which helped

Our eldest struggled when our 2nd arrived as she'd had 5 years being the centre of attention. She did get over it eventually and loved her brother once he was more interactive. We just plodded on with normal routines.

I always let mine help bath the new baby.
Picture the scene...
Baby bath on the lounge rug.
A few dc crouched round all helping.
Newborn behaving perfectly.
Toddler ds takes the plug out..
Trying not to go bonkers whilst trying to shove it back in!!
Ah those happy days!!

He is nearly 18 now. Loves his younger siblings though!!
It can be the small things op..
How about she organises the changing bag /table? Mine loved doing that. And picking the change of clothes...

Definitely a present if you didn't when baby arrived. DS got a very expensive new train track from his baby sister. He picked her out a little bunny.

Obviously keeping in preschool but I don't think having time out of the routine is a bad thing - you've just had a baby, it's ok to say let's do things differently. Nearly a year down the line DS still talks about when his dad took him to soft play and how I let him have a bath in the afternoon (because I was knackered and ran out of steam!). It's fine to say I'm tired, shall we watch a film and have a hot chocolate - quality time with your eldest, you can sit and feed the baby.

Great ideas! Am due in Dec getting dd8 involved in everything really. She’s choosing most of the baby clothes when shopping , she’s was involved in choosing the name etc. She will love helping to bath/ choosing clothes to wear am sure. Her little cousin stayed over one time and I had to look after her,bath her dress her etc. She was very unhappy/jealous as she’s never seen me look after another child . So I agree that jealousy is natural.

Thank you so much this is really helpful.

She had lots of presents and attention from us and relatives but I didn't want to overwhelm her its just trying to find that balance.

Thank you for reminding me how this is normal and hopefully temporary in terms of the heartbreak to her.

When I'm more mobile I'll get her to the park or play/craft with her one on one, try and do bathtime in an evening and take her lead on involvement. We did stories this morning just the two of us but she just seems to be very dismissive of me so I guess it's trying to build it up.