Mum guilt over feelings/emotions from babies first weeks

[Fizzl]

Not sure the purpose of this post other than feeling (emotionally needy) like I need to shake this ongoing mum guilt I have about the first two weeks of my babies life. My daughter is 3months old now and absolutely the best thing who I love completely. But I’ve been thinking back to her first two weeks and feel quite sad that I didn’t really feel anything other than I needed to survive 😅.

She was a very longed for baby after a loss and 2 years of on and off trying to conceive and when she was first born I just felt quite detached and a strange sort of acceptance. I remember not being eager to hold her and spent most of her first day in the hospital in a haze (after being awake for almost 3days) just staring into space/at her in the cot next to me rather than holding/feeding her as I had no idea what I was doing really.

For the next two weeks i was desperate for her to be ok at being put down and felt quite overwhelmed with the demands of breastfeeding at times. Every time she fell asleep I passed her to my husband during the day so I could shower, eat, catch up on sleep etc and have no memories of just sitting and cuddling her. I remember finding the cluster feeding so demanding when I’m hindsight all I needed to do was put my feet up and watch TV whilst feeding.

The following week was a whirlwind of us needing to go back to the hospital for appointments and I never felt we had chance to just sit, cuddle and bond with her as we were constantly dashing around. There’s no photos of us holding her and only a handful of photos of her from those first two weeks (I actually remember saying to a family member who was asking for photos that I don’t have chance to pee let alone take photos) and now that sounds so stupid and I wish I could go back and take 100s of photos like I do now.

After the first 2 weeks I remember things starting to click and now I never want to put her down. We do contact naps most of the time, breastfeeding well established and easy, I just want to freeze time and i look back on those first two weeks annoyed with myself like I missed out on that precious time because I didn’t really feel much towards her other than I knew I needed to look after her and get through the day. It’s almost like that experience was with a different baby to the one I know now.

I know I probably need to cut myself some slack and it was all normal adjustment to parenting and this is just the start of all the years of mum guilt to come so I need to toughen up!

Can anyone relate?! We would like more children in the future and I feel I’d do things so different as I know this time passes quickly and some normality does return but is the reality that you still spend those first few weeks in survival mode again despite the first experience under your belt?!

Yes you do spend the first few weeks in survival mode even with subsequent babies.

Every two weeks is precious. Not just the first. The next fortnight of you holding, feeding, entertaining will be precious. You’ve bonded now so I’m not sure I understand that worry?

FWIW I hate newborn stage, they’re just little sacks of boring* and we just wing it keeping them alive until the gum happens and they start turning into little people with a personality responding to you.

• not my phrase but I love it 😂😃

Gum — fun

I would say it's slightly less bad with subsequent babies because you're not quite as terrified, flailing about, and wondering what happened to your lovely life, but it's still relentless. I think in general people need to be nicer to themselves during those couple of/few weeks. It is NOT a normal level of work and stress in an individual life! It's ok to hate it imo!

Yep! All normal.

You’re in so much pain those first few weeks because of the birth and breastfeeding that it is all a haze, just not a nice time at all in my opinion.

I’ve got 3 month old twins. The first few weeks were so challenging. Lack of weight gain, bronchitis, failure to establish breastfeeding. They were so tiny I was terrified.

I’m so much happier now they are thriving I get to enjoy the cuddles. They smile at you and actually interact. They’re also waking less in the night so I’m not sleep deprived anymore.

I think I felt the same with my eldest too (I can barely even remember!).

Give yourself a break and enjoy your lovely baby.

Also yes it was better the second time as I knew what to expect but it was still challenging… suspect that’s due to have twins though!!

I’ve been thinking back to her first two weeks and feel quite sad that I didn’t really feel anything other than I needed to survive

I felt like that and my DD was a healthy easy baby.

It got better the weeks afterwards as I realised I just needed to take it easy and not worry about any timetable.

I felt like that for DS1 who was born after a loss and a day before my DF died. I was so emotionally numb. I felt like I bonded properly at about 5 months. He's 3 now and I still feel sad and guilty about those first few months but I feel like I'm gradually working through those feelings and we have a lovely relationship. I do wonder if counselling would help me to get past those feelings better. DS2 was born 2 years later and I had an instant connection and love for him and spent the first two weeks on an extreme high before exhaustion kicked in and dampened that a bit.

What you experienced is so normal. The first couple of weeks are unbelievably overwhelming, and it really is about survival. My daughter is the most precious thing in the world to me now, but in that first week I remember thinking what the fuck have I done?! Enjoy the bond that you have now, soak in every cuddle and kiss and nighttime feed ❤and please go easy on yourself, the trauma of the first weeks is really downplayed

Goodness me only two weeks!
I was in survival mode and didn't fall in love with my kids for months!
They're all older now and we have wonderful relationships.
Chill. Parenthood is for life.

@FTEngineerM you're right - I have loved every minute since and really appreciate how precious these weeks are. I just want time to slow down as the weeks fly by and she's changing so much already. I think that's what makes me sad though that I didn't feel like that initially and I wished away those first few weeks to this mythical time everyone spoke about where things got better (and I didn't believe it would ever get better/easier 😂🤦🏼‍♀️). I still wing it everyday and it's definitely getting more fun as she becomes less of a big ball of constant need (but then I secretly miss just sitting and holding her all day too!)

@Bumblethebee I admire you juggling and navigating the newborn stage with twins. Definite superhero! The worry is endless though isn't it?! I'm a worrier by nature and always find something to worry about (frustratingly) but I am trying reallllly hard to worry less and just enjoy.

@ThisOneNow that sounds unbelievably tough. Not a comparison at all but we had to have our dog put to sleep when our baby was a week old (it was a long time coming she was elderly and very poorly) and emotionally I was a wreck and I don't think it helped because I just kept bursting into tears that second week over the dog and remember feeling a bit resentful that I had to care for a baby when my first baby (the dog!) had just died. so I can only imagine a tiny bit of how you felt - counselling may help 💐

@SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder I definitely had a what the fuck have we done moment (more than once!) but very vividly when I was eating cold left over Chinese at 4am, half dressed, whilst sterilising a colostrum pot to express into on about 1hrs sleep - nobody prepares you for that kind of thing 😂

Thanks for everyone's reassurances though - I know it's all normal but the guilt just gets to me (irrationally) sometimes

@SelfIdentifiedRightsHoarder you're also right about those first few weeks being downplayed! And I think that's what I still struggle with now - I see pictures of people looking all blissfully happy, loved up and snuggled with their newborns and I think that's so far from my experience. But in reality that's just a quick snapshot and I'm sure they will have more than likely felt the same way as I did at some point

I could have written your post OP, except I haven’t experienced the loss and conception struggles that you have

How was your birth? I found mine quite traumatic due to a failed epidural and ended up having a lot more drugs than I’d hoped for... I think I was a bit shell shocked and in a bit of a haze as described.

I barely remember holding my baby at all in hospital and we had some feeding struggles that meant I was constantly pumping and my husband was the one holding her and feeding her all the time at home.

I only mention this because what helped me was to ask for my birth notes from the hospital. There was a lot I didn’t remember and it helped me to relive it and process it.

I was able to see that I’d had a tough time, cut myself some slack and move on.

I hope you’re able to do the same. Your baby sounds very lucky to have you x

Very normal OP. And so is that guilt. I think there might be a biological imperative behind that flood of guilt, to help drive us through the exhaustion and keep us focused on our babies’ needs.

Try not to hang the guilt on any particular thing and overthink it because that can easily spiral into depression and anxiety. It’s just part and parcel of the chemistry of new motherhood.

Totally normal! I didn't feel like this with my first as we had a constant stream of family helping us out, but with my second, oh my gosh! Even with a super good toddler, I honestly don't remember much of the first month! Very few photos, and was definitely in survival mode rather than enjoying him.
Don't beat yourself up, if you and baby are now happy and healthy, in a few years, those few weeks won't even enter your mind unless you specifically sit and think about them, you'll have so many other incredible memories of time with her. 🥰

@EmmaInParis thank you and good point - the birth wasn't quite as I expected - I ended up being induced as my waters went on the sat morning but nothing happened. I was admitted on the Sunday morn but they couldn't start the induction until Sunday Eve due to the ward being full (hence the 3 days no sleep). I'd started early labour by sun afternoon but contractions weren't coming close enough together and because of how long it had been since my waters went and there started to be signs of meconium they needed to speed things up. Things went from 0-100 very quickly and contractions too close together so neither me or baby were getting time to recover and both our heart rates went too high. I wanted an epidural and got all prepped to have it but then a doctor decided I couldn't have one because of our heart rates and they needed to stabilise them first. They tried to slow labour down - didn't work. They went to take a sample from babies head and realised I was 10cm so it was all over really quickly to be fair (6hrs start to finish). They wanted her out quick so it was a ventouse delivery on just gas and air 😑. I don't recall feeling too traumatised at the time but looking back I think that first day I was in a bit of shock and my mind/body just needed to process everything. I didn't want to hold her straight after the birth and asked the midwife to give her to my husband whilst they sorted me out ☹️

Maybe I should ask for my notes - there are a lot of blanks and I'm not 100% sure why some decisions were made but I don't feel it was horrendous or traumatic but maybe that's my brains way of erasing it all 😂

We had some initial minor feeding struggles - they discharged us home without anyone really checking how she was feeding. The next day the midwife said baby was quite sleepy and lazy feeder. It sent me into a bit of a flap and I ended up expressing as well as breastfeeding and doing formula top ups for a few days as I was frightened she would lose too much weight - in hindsight it was too much and possibly a bit unnecessary and didn't help me feel calm and relaxed in those first few days trying to do it all but i try to look at this as a positive as I did establish breastfeeding quite quickly and still going now so it was worth it but definitely a lot in that first week.

So when I look back probably not the smoothest of rides with labour/feeding in those early weeks and I need to acknowledge that.

Thanks for everyone's kind words and reassurances it's normal 💛

Gosh, I can really relate! I feel awful that when my DD was born, I was more concerned with putting her down in the hospital so I could sleep. I wish I'd just cuddled her and lapped up those few hours of it just being the two of us snuggled up. I also regret not taking more photos and it never occurred to me to video her. I take lots of videos of her now but I guess because she wasn't 'doing' anything, it didn't occur to me. Now I wish I had a video so I could see her movements and hear her little noises.

Also, my dd was a bigger newborn (8lb 11oz) and because I was being told how big she was all the time, I didn't really appreciate that she was still a tiny newborn.

I wish I could go back for just 5 mins and really absorb her.

However, we must both cut ourselves some slack. It's such a wild whirlwind of a time and it really is just survival. I'd like to think that if I have another, I'll be more present but I will probably look back and feel guilt in just the same way. It's what mum's do!

@Fizzl your birth experience sounds almost identical to mine - your hospital might also offer a debrief if you ask for it, mine does (though I’m still waiting for them to get back to me about it). It’s called the Afterthoughts service or something I think (at least it is at my hospital). It was fairly easy to request birth notes though and they arrived really quickly in the post. I also got all the pregnancy green book notes back which is a lovely thing to hold on to x

@Alitlebitsleepy it's awful isn't it! I remember just being more concerned about myself and wanting to get sorted out before I properly held her. She was crying the whole time whilst I was being stitched up and I remember just thinking it's ok she can wait! I remember even joking to the midwife that I was already a bad mum for leaving her to cry for so long. Now I feel horrified that I felt like that 😳 I don't so much as let her whimper now before I jump in there. The first night we were home too my husband said he'd look after her so I could sleep and she literally cried all night and my poor husband had no idea what to do! My poor baby was probably starving 🤦🏼‍♀️ but I just needed to sleep. I can't imagine ever doing that now.

I keep thinking exactly the same I'd love to go back for just a few moments and soak her up and appreciate her that little bit more than I did at the time.

Bloomin mum guilt! I've just been to the library today and picked up a book 'how to stop worrying' by frank Tallis - let's hope it helps 😂