Dealing with MIL

[Scotti84]

So, bit of a rant needed plus advice please!

I live in Germany with my German husband and our 7 week old, my family live in England and his live in the next town. Its tradition here for families to live in separate apartments but in the same house, so my in laws own their house, live on the ground floor and DHs sister lives on the first floor with her husband and two kids, 3 and 8 yrs. MIL is used to being constantly around for the grandkids which I can understand, but she does what she wants and let's the 3 yr old do what she wants, eg if 3 Yr olds dad says don't eat that, you'll you'll having tea soon, MIL will say oh it's OK, she can eat a bit now too, she needs it for energy, or something and completely overrule him, because of this the kids don't listen to him when he says no. Me and DH have already said that that's not OK and we dont want her to be like that with Lilly, and i do get on with her but shes sending me insane. She turns up randomly and usually at about 8pm, DH was off work the first 7 weeks so we took night shifts and my sleep was 9 til 3am, so about 8pm we'd start to get ready for bed but obviously she would never ask if its ok to come over, she'd just turn up. I breastfeed with nipple covers and she's said i should stop that because Lilly won't get enough milk through them... Not true. She always says passive aggressive stuff like oh Lilly your hands are so cold, oh Lilly, you dont have tights on? No she doesn't have bloody tights on, it's 20 degrees here and she's got a vest a bodysuit and a sleepsuit on, if I put tights on too how many layers should I do when it's minus 2!!! When we go round she just takes her off me, she put a swing up that she wants to lay her in, but last time we were there the kids were in it and it fell down onto a hard laminate floor... i am not putting my child in that! The 3 yr old constantly wants to hold Lilly, once is ok but then she gets bored then she wants her again, she sneezes over her and rocks her about and constantly tries to carry her and nobody says anything because shes allowed to do what she wants. We fed her with expressed milk and of course MIL wanted to do it then so did the 3 year old, but she doesn't pay attention so Lilly is trying to drink and the kid is moving the bottle away, she picks her nose and then grabs the bottle and dummy by the teat which sends me insane! I can't really say much because that's not my child but I hate it! When I did say something about not wanting Lilly to get sick or a cold I got told I was too over protective and I should be careful because that will harm my child. We've tried only visiting for an hour or so but when we say we're going now she says why?!?! What the hell, who does that? Er because its a free world and we can leave when we want? Everything is met with a question but its fine for her to just pick Lilly up and change her, feed her etc etc... DH agrees with me but she doesn't listen to him either and I don't know how to nip it in the bud now without it turning into an argument. I'm gonna have to stand my ground I know, but i don't want to cause problems but then it's our baby and our choice how protective we are, especially as its our first and we're learning. Am I being ridiculous or has anyone any advice?

Wouldn't another lockdown be great? That's how we dealt with mil second time around. 🤣
You need to tell her not to come around uninvited and so does your husband. Then you need to reply to her passive aggressive comments. Could you be passive aggressive back? Oh Lilly you have no tights on, you really will freeze in 20 degrees

Or don't stoop to her level and just say that her passive aggressive comments are not welcome

@Opalfeet that would be a dream! Although on the last lockdown she still tried to insist we come over, and on the day we did we got stopped by the police on the way back asking why we were out.

It's so hard, I don't want to upset her, but shes upsetting me and if I cant sort it ill end up snapping and losing it and that'll just cause problems for everyone

You do need to be firm and set some boundaries, your husband needs to help you too...it's his mum!

@Opalfeet I see how she is with his sisters husband, she has the last word and if he says don't do that to one of the kids his mum will say oh its OK, and then they don't listen to him when he tries to discipline them, I'm worried if i don't sort it now it'll end up like that with us. DH is completely in agreement but she doesn't listen to him either, shes always seen him as a lazy teenager, which ok he once was, but hes not now, she cant accept that hes grown up into a responsible adult and talks down to him too. We're going round tomorrow... im just going to have to be firm without being rude and if it gets to the point she tries to do what she wants or makes comments ill say its time we leave. I hate situations like this, its stressful enough with the baby figuring it all out, don't need to be made to feel like a failure too. Thank you for answering x

Can you move further away?

@Babyiskickingmyribs i always consider moving back to england but thats a bit drastic. We're looking for a bigger place but with work and that we can't go too far really

How is MILs English? If it’s poor, then you will be able to speak English with your baby without her being able to easily dismiss what you’re saying. So if she undermines you, you can switch to English to reassert whatever rule she’s encouraging your child to break. - so you say no cookie, grandma says ‘of course you can have a cookie’ you switch to English, ‘no. We said no cookie because it’s nearly dinner time. You can have a cookie for dessert after dinner.’

With current mil I did bite several times, it did the trick though- she backed off. One of the comments she said to her friend (who is long term friend of families so visiting newborn). 'Oh and SHE won't let him have a dummy.' I can't remember my reply but it was terse to say the least. There were a few more instances, she got the message in the end. I have a second now, born under lockdown but generally she doesn't make comments any more and the boys have a good relationship with her. I've also told her to stop fussing before, I think you need to be direct, make her realise you ain't taking any shit. Your husband needs to stand up to her too, I found my partner didn't and it was left to me

The only coping strategy for passive aggression is calm clear curiosity. 'Why do you think Lilly is cold, when babies hands are not a guide to their temperature, MIL? If you touch her chest, you will understand that what she is wearing is appropriate.'

With the three year old you can absolutely call it out! Just say she is getting wind and needs care with the bottle. No-one should feed your baby except you, unless you ask them to - and a three year old doing so isn't safe at all.

Haha @JennyForeigner absolutely, babies hands and feet are always cold. I guess I'm the heat of the moment and with all those hormones sometimes it's hard to come out with well thought out calm answers, esp with your firstborn

You need the art of repeating back what she’s saying as a questions

‘You think she’s not getting enough milk?’ Silence - she’s not expecting a question and she won’t be able to answer

‘DH is lazy?’ Silence

She now has to justify her remark ans won’t be expecting to do it becomes awkward and she ‘hears’ her remark

Try it on your husband and see his reaction, it takes practice but it’s so powerful!

@BluebellsGreenbells thats a great idea, most of the things she says are opinions because she thinks she knows better than every doctor, midwife, book etc but you know what they say about opinions...

@Opalfeet @JennyForeigner i can think of things to say but they're not so nice and I dont want to jump straight into what I really think. I'm too empathic, thats always been my problem I find it hard to just say what I think or feel especially if i know itll cause a problem but I shouldn't feel bad for saying what i think when it comes to my baby. Plus i get no respect from her, so why should I give any!

@Babyiskickingmyribs she can understand basic English but when my family were here last and we all met, she couldn't keep up with our Yorkshire Dialect. Small bonses from being able to speak slow and clearly so they can understand or just launching into Dialect that they can't keep up with. I will be teaching baby Dialect too 😁

Thanks for all the advice ladies, we're on our way now... I've prepped DH with what's appropriate and what's not, let's see how it goes!

So we managed to avoid major drama, mainly because hubby was more present and paid attention to what she was trying to do and shot her down before she got too far. The main problem is the 3 yr old, she actually said 'she is our baby' meaning the whole family, and when i said no, she's your cousin and mine and uncle Andys baby his mum got a bit shirty, but so be it. When i went to breastfeed (in another room, dont like an audience) i heard the 3 yr old cry because she wanted to watch and MIL said well go in quietly and it will be ok, luckily hubby jumped on that too. If i say i want to feed in peace thats my choice and i wont take being overruled. Hubby fed her with a bottle later as is routine and the 3 yr old picked it up and said 'i'll feed her now' we both said no thanks and hubby fed her, but we got a 'oh let her help' from MIL. As we left we got the 'oh already? 3 yr old has been waiting all morning for her to come and youre already leaving?' But we just said yes and went. So technicalky as long as we stay firm and say no we're just gonna have to ignore the wants of the 3 yr old and any snarky comments and do what we want. At least we saw them, should hold them off for a bit until the next visit. Although she also doesnt understand that we want time for us too and not to have to go visit on DHs one free day in the week. But thats ok, we live in an apartment where visitors have to be buzzed in, if its an unplanned visit i just ignore it 😅

Sounds to me like you need to move house!