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Parenting

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Original poster

The loneliness of parenting/life - anyone else feel the same

21 replies

lisalisa · 10/12/2007 13:05

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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TinselGrrrlWith2Boys · 10/12/2007 13:26

Could you do an evening class, or get a babysitter and go out together? I did a counselling certificate part time, and it was lovely to have something that was just 'mine'. I learned loads about myself too. I also try to make sure DH and i go out once a month, even just to cinema or something.

TinselGrrrlWith2Boys · 10/12/2007 13:27

and here's your hug btw

((((((((((((((big hug))))))))))))))))

malfoy · 10/12/2007 13:31

some of this I can relate to -the loneliness & the boredom. How you describe your "replacement" friends is particularly accurate.

I am not one for hugging but here's a cyber hug too.

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HuwEdwards · 10/12/2007 13:35

Lisa - do you have to accept your relationship with your DH? All through your post, it's that, that seems to make you very sad. Would you and your dh not consider some counselling?

Anna8888 · 10/12/2007 13:42

If you have five children and a full-time job, you just aren't going to have a lot of time/energy left over for friendships and social time with like-minded adults and you need an excellent relationship with your partner to make life fun and worthwhile.

How many hours a week do you and your DH work, combined? It may be the total is just too many to make life any fun, given the five children and all that entails. Though I don't know whether it's realistic for the two of you to work less.

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lisalisa · 10/12/2007 13:55

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PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 10/12/2007 14:06

{{{hugs}}}

I do relate to what you're saying, about the boredom and frustration, the not having the energy to expend on cherishing yourself, and the unsatisfactoriness of the substitute friends. And my life's not half as tough as your's is right now!

I agree that the lynchpin of the problem is your relationship with your dh. It may be that it's financially necessary to work so many hours (both of you), but it's extremely tough on your relationship, and if that's already rocky then it's even harder.

But if your dh won't go to counselling with you, it may yet be worth you going alone. Yes, the can of worms that would probably be opened up for you would be distressing, but then it would be important for you to conintue the counselling sot hat you coulld capture all the worms and deal with them. You cannot change a man, but you can change your reaction to him, and your behaviour around him, as well as your feelings about yourself, and all that can help. At the very least you can feel that you are doing something for yourself, that you give yourself value.

Anna8888 · 10/12/2007 14:09

Counselling may not be that helpful if it involves going over years and years of cumulated stress and resentment from lives that were super-busy, and has left masses of wounds.

However, counselling might be useful if you and your DH were prepared to use it to take a cold, hard look at your combined lives and re-organise / plan your future to outsource things / reduce your work load so that you had more time to have fun together (and separately).

Original poster

lisalisa · 10/12/2007 14:40

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Anna8888 · 10/12/2007 14:45

lisalisa - I know what you mean about counselling, my sister is at that point at the moment - marriage definitely shaky but lots and lots at stake. My sister is terrified of opening up the wounds of the past.

Do you think your DH uses work to avoid you/children/family responsibilities? Or does he genuinely need to do such awful hours to get by?

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lisalisa · 10/12/2007 15:02

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Anna8888 · 10/12/2007 15:11

Yes, it sounds very tough .

I genuinely think, however, that two full-time jobs and five children somehow preclude weekend/evening working on top of normal days... can he not be made to see that he isn't giving enough time/attention to you and the children?

ssd · 10/12/2007 17:46

Original poster

lisalisa · 10/12/2007 17:58

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scouserabroad · 10/12/2007 18:17

Don't have any advice I'm afraid but ((hugs)) How old are your children? Maybe things will get better as they get a bit older?

Anna8888 · 10/12/2007 19:01

Do you think you have overstretched yourselves by having five children? That is in no way a criticism (I would love more children and I am very envious of my friend with six daughters) - but five children is a hell of a lot of work and expense? Or are other things overstretching you?

Pitchounette · 10/12/2007 20:03

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zonedout · 11/12/2007 13:12

lisalisa, a hug to you. i just have one ds but can relate to so much of what you say, in my own way of course. main difference (other than volume of children!) is that my mother is, thankfully, not poisonous. but becoming a mother has brought up soo much crappy stuff from my (interesting) childhood that i find myself feeling very angy with her. i digress...
i am actully a trained counsellor yet i am frightened of where i would need to go with it all right now too... so have chosen to bury my head in the sand. i love my ds to bits and feel unbelievably blessed and lucky to have him. but i do feel very lonely so much of the time, despite having a few mummy friends/groups to go to etc.
so no new suggestions i'm afraid...i have successfully banged on about myself but in doing so hope to have helped you feel less alone

Original poster

lisalisa · 11/12/2007 13:31

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PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 12/12/2007 11:20

Something I learnt from PND is that you are allowed to be selfish - in fact selfish is a bad word for it, because it's not selfish to please yourself from time to time. It's too easy to make your own needs subservient to those of others, particularly if not prioritising yourself will make life run more smoothly. If you cannot change your dh, or are not ready to approach that, perhaps you can make a change for yourself that would give you that extra satisfaction you need? One simple (and free) change I made when we moved away from London was to join a book club. Once a month I get to talk with a group of adults whose priority is not children. Bliss.

Gill79 · 13/12/2007 17:15

Lisa - I know what you mean about "replacement" friends - since leaving the town where I went to uni and moving to London I've always felt the same. Luckily I'm able to rely on DP a lot and travel to see my old friends but I also know that making close friends later in life (ha ha I'm 28 ) is something that takes real effort which I frankly don't bother with. Obviously it will be difficult with 5 children but I suppose what I'm saying is it's not necessarily about finding time to develop other friendships and join a basket-weaving club but about the way you deal with the people you already know - maybe if you opened up to them more you might be surprised and find that you feel closer to them. Maybe it doesn't come naturally for you but you sound like you really need someone to speak to in the real world.

Let's hope I haven't got this wrong but if you were the lady who sent her pants off to school in a lunchbox than you know you've got plenty of appreciative friends on mumsnet! And if that wasn't you then I'll just get my coat...

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