What am I doing wrong with my headstrong 3 year old? I’m failing him

[Coriandersucks]

Youngest ds is a completely different beast to his older brother who pretty much always does as he is told and doesn’t argue back so this is new to me.

We have a very close bond and he is either all over me loving me, squeezing my face, licking my hand (it’s a comfort thing) or, when he’s in the right mood, arguing with me until he is physically kicking out at me. It usually over getting dressed, going to bed, cleaning teeth - anything he just doesn’t want to do. No matter how I bribe or threaten no more treats etc he will not back down until I have to physically get him dressed or clean his teeth which feels like we are having a proper fight because i have to pin him down to do it.

afterwards we are always both upset and say sorry. Sometimes I get so cross I lose my temper and he says I scare him when I get like that. I don’t want to get like that.

Tonight he was playing beautifully but it was getting so late and I could tell he was exhausted and I asked him so many times that it was time to get ready, even offered to put his favourite tv show on, but nothing. He sat warching his brother get himself ready too and that didn’t get him going. I truly lost it with him and I feel awful. He didn’t say a word as I put him to bed just fell asleep straight away.

We had had such a lovely evening and I just exploded and I know this kind of temper problem can have real impact on children - I know because my dad was the same. I really don’t want to be like that but how on earth do I get him to do as he is told and avoid these ridiculous arguments. I honestly understand why they call them threenagers and I’m so worried I’m just not equipped for dealing with it.

Watching with interest, @Coriandersucks - I have a friend struggling in the way you've described too. It's seems to be such a difficult age. Try not to beat yourself up, though, this is the start of a new chapter because I am fully confident someone will come along and give you great advice

It's a really difficult age, I say that as someone with a 3yo moody as hell ds too. It sounds like you're being hard on yourself and maybe even catastrophising a little. You're not failing him imo for occasionally losing it, esp if you apologise after. It sounds to me like tonight he was so tired he would have barely registered what happened.

I'd say be easier on yourself. And try ignoring him. I find that can do the trick sometimes when a tantrum hits (emphasis on the some)

Solidarity with you, OP. I also have one and am finding him very tough. We often have lovely days and then he just flips over his tea or just refuses to listen to instructions (often let's get ready for bed/do teeth etc.)
I have definitely shouted at him quite a lot recently but always apologise afterwards. I think modelling that is important.
For me I noticed that I am more likely to get cross quicker if there is a time pressure e.g. getting shoes on to get to nursery or brushing teeth before swimming or even getting undressed at bedtime (because my time pressure is that I want him asleep so I can go and have a breather!)
I never thought I'd be one to bribe but I resort to it a lot at mealtimes - I'm just picking my battles.
What about a healthy competition between your two boys at the day's pinch points e.g. who can get undressed and in pyjamas fastest? Does your 3yo look up to his elder brother at all? If his brother encouraged him to do his teeth would that help?

The only other thing I noticed in your post was you said 'I asked him so many times to get ready for bed'. You need to TELL him 'Sam, it's bedtime now. Let's finish playing and go upstairs to get our pyjamas'. I also give my DS a time warning e.g. 'in two minutes we will turn the TV off to go and have tea'. I even sometimes use the Google hub thing to put a timer on! I find he responds better to stopping an activity when he has notice of it as such, rather than me just barging in and turning off the telly (looking at my DH!)

Two of mine were incredibly difficult at that age & one in particular had me in despair

Firstly remind yourself that many of the traits that we find hardest in 3yr olds are also the ones we appreciate in adults

Your close bond makes it extra important that you stay calm as he will reflect your emotions (take 10 deep breaths, take a moment to check in with your senses - what can your feet feel, what can you smell etc).

Playful parenting is amazing at this age - mine wouldn't come in from the garden but would be floated in a bubble/ride on a dinosaur, they don't want to put socks on but would hide their toes in the socks etc

When they are deeply involved in something they sometimes really can't process what you are saying, you need to connect to them before you make a clear request so maybe a wee chat about the game he was playing before saying it's time to put your PJs on (& it's much easier to say I have them here shall I help you than please go to another room & do it yourself)

You might also find reading unconditional parenting helpful or at least taking on the idea that we should assume good intentions - he wasn't ignoring you/aware his sibling was ready & therefore he should be too, he was simply lost in an enjoyable activity!

All of it is a hundred times harder if you are exhausted/hungry etc so be kind to yourself too