How do I manage or deal with this?
DH is older and already has 2 DC. When we married I had no desire to have children - never have. It was about half a year into marriage and I realised I absolutely wanted a child with him, and after discussion he agreed, and we now have a much loved DS who has vastly improved our lives! (Even though they didn’t need improving, but he’s just a wonderful addition)
Because DH feels he’s too old for another, we are sticking at one, and it’s breaking my heart! I can’t work out what it is that makes me want a second. Initially I was anxious that DS would be effectively an only child (because of the age gap) and that he’d be lonely - I’m over that anxiety now and I do know that siblings aren’t the be all and end all.
But now it seems like every friend is onto their second or even third. My antenatal group are almost all pregnant with #2, my good friend has not long given birth and my close colleague is off to have her third in a few weeks.
I don’t know how to handle the emotions. I’m so envious of friends who are able to have 2 or 3, which is one really difficult emotion. I’m absolutely aching to have another baby and also to have another child - I know they’re different feelings, and yes I want the snuggly baby feeling again which is totally unrealistic I’m sure with a toddler! But I also want a sibling for DS and another gorgeous little person to love. I feel like I’m missing out somehow, which also sounds stupid 🤷♀️ but having had a pandemic baby, I sort of want to do it again "properly" (which is also stupid because we're still in a pandemic!!)
I’m feeling especially down atm as my AF has just started and it has reminded me of what I will never have. I can’t disentangle the hostile sort of emotions (like envy) from the innate ones (like maternal instinct) and it’s pulling me apart as I can’t talk to DH about it because we’ve been there, talked it through, and I completely understand and respect his opinion and feelings.
Where does this even come from? I didn’t even want a baby until I married him, and now I want another! Is the longing ever going to end? If I were to have a second will I start pining after a third?? It all seems so ridiculous and yet it's eating away at me that DS will never have a sibling and I will never get to cuddle another tiny human I’ve made.
So how do I get myself to understand that DH and DS are enough? Because they are, it's just this stupid longing inside me that is trying to convince me I need more. How can I learn to be satisfied with my lot?
Please be gentle because I know MN can be quite rough and ready, and it’s too emotional for me to face that atm. Practical methods for learning to be happy with what I have would be very welcome! I’ve learned CBT for anxiety so I wonder if I can use something like that to help?