Anyone else have issues with the Drs?

[Onegoingontwo]

Hi,

I'm just wondering if how I've been made to feel is valid and if people could give me advice on what just happened? I'm a first time mum and my DD is 15 months old. I don't have any friends or family with similar aged children either so no one to ask for advice other than mum/MIL.

My DD picked up a chest infection and she's had it about 3 weeks now. After 1 week she had a 38-40 temp all weekend and wasn't eating or drinking much. When I phoned the DRs I got a call back with a paramedic who spent 20 minutes on the phone essentially lecturing me that this was normal and nothing to worry about. So I took it on the chin thinking they've probably had loads of calls about this, it was September and kids had gone back to school so things were going round and he's probably right, it was nothing. She recovered didn't she?

2 weeks pass and she's had on and off snotty nose, ear ache and a cough. I brought some olbas oil for children and a humidifier and it seemed to help but over the last few nights she has been throwing up because of her coughing. Its heartbreaking to see obviously because she's tired and I just want to help her.

So I phoned the drs again today and got an appointment with a GP. I went in and they (GP had a student nurse with her) couldn't hear anything wrong with her chest and that was totally fine. If she had just said that I would have been fine and rode it out with DD until she got better like I had been doing last 3 weeks, but just like the paramedic, she
began to lecture me for 20 minutes about how common colds were etc. She grabbed a chair, put it beside her and tapped on it saying "come here mum, come take a look at this website. It's a very important website, it's colour coded to help you understand what symptoms require what treatment" and she was very nice but it just felt so patronising. But I'm not one to be rude or interrupt people so I allowed her to finish. But she ended on "so what was it you were hoping to get from me mum?" And I was a little thrown by the question, because I had already told her at the beginning I was just concerned about my DDs cough as it was ongoing and now making her sick. She nodded, repeated some things and asked me the same question again. I was trained in my previous roles on how to coach someone so I recognised immediately that she was trying to spoon feed me into coming up with the answers myself, but in this case the answer she was looking for was "you're so right, I'm so sorry for having wasted your time, I'm a complete idiot"

So I said thank you you've covered everything and just as I was strapping my DD into her pram she said "do you need anything else from me mum? Because it seems maybe you might be struggling" and both her and the nurse told me that I should consider going to play groups and joining clubs for mums... Out of no where. I never once told them about my limited support network or gave any hint that I was struggling. Both me and my DD were dressed presentably, both washed and clean looking. Im just baffled as to why she thought I was struggling?

After 20 minutes of patronising word vomit and 10 minutes of an essential personal attack on me and my competence, I calmly went back to my car and had a good old cry. Maybe I am pathetic? Maybe I should know these things? Maybe I'm so much of a bumbling idiot that it's slapped so clearly across for my face for people to see at a first glance?

My DD was born during the beginning of the pandemic. I've never had a HV call me or visit, or invite me to go and visit them. I've only needed to call them twice, and they took 3-7 days to get back to me because they were short staffed. I don't even know if she's supposed to be weighed or measured and when, no one has really told me anything and Google seems less and less reliable the more I look because there are just so many answers. I haven't been able to join any mum groups because they were all closed in my area because of the pandemic and once my DD hit 12 months and everything started opening again, I seemed to miss the cut off for the groups in my area.

I'm not looking to moan, I'm just wondering if someone could confirm to me whether or not I have been treated fairly? I'm an anxious person by nature and I'll be terrified to phone the Drs for anything now. I don't even phone them alot in the first place!

It sounds pretty fair to me, they checked your DD and she was fine, they gave you some advice cor the future and resources, and in case you are struggling suggested some things you could do. Seems very helpful and comprehensive

Do keep phoning the doc if you think you need it.

But they were right to signpost you to helpful info - especially if you've not had an HV (although mine is abysmal, you're not missing anything!), it sounds like she was just trying to fill the gaps.

never once told them about my limited support network or gave any hint that I was struggling.

Is the above true? Maybe they've picked up on it, I'm impressed that they gave a 30 min appt at any time never mind in current times so maybe there is something?
Do you feel what they said could be useful?

Sounds to me like she wasted her own time spending ages lecturing you! I would be upset in your position too. You went for reassurance that your dd was fine, that's perfectly reasonable if she's still ill and now being sick after three weeks. Don't let it put you off contacting medical help in the future if you need it. But maybe avoid that doctor...

My dd threw up from coughing all the time when she was a baby/toddler. It’s to do with weak stomach muscles. The more they do it, the more irritated it becomes. She grew out of it eventually.

Hi all, thanks for your comments. They are really good at my Drs even during the pandemic they always saw me and my DD if it was necessary. And I think we got a 30 min appointment because of the student nurse being there and needing to ask questions/learn?

I honestly don't know where the support concerns came from. I'm not a frequent caller so wouldn't have come up on their radar that way? She never asked me "what did your mum say?" Or the like it was just out of the blue. Like I said I was presentable, my daughter was presentable. Maybe it was nothing I just didn't like how little she made me feel. Clearly she was just doing her job! Thanks for the help and understanding of the situation.

There is an absolute flaming cowbag of a doctor at my old practice, I moved doctors because of her. It wasn't just to me, I heard that she had said to one mum who was worried about her baby's temperature to just 'stop checking it then.' I had struggled to come in to see her once as was worried about something embarrassing and she was, like yours, totally patronising and unkind.
Even if she's a good doctor, she doesn't have a good bedside manner. Change doctors op. Take someone in with you as chaperone or ask to record the consultation, or tell the receptionist to put a note by your name that you don't want to see that specific person again. Definitely complain about how you were made to feel.

Sounds perfectly normal from them tbh. I imagine she was wondering if you wanted help with your anxiety, I think this is becoming a more common problem in general and it's good for them to offer help if you need it.
Little ones pick up all sorts and have accidents, there are some symptoms which you can just deal with and others you really need to seek help with. They've given you a guide for that. It's hard to relax when they are not well or injured but you will be able to get them through most things without help from the GP etc.
I understand it can make you feel a bit off when they speak to you like you're daft but they have to give "the idiots guide" to everyone just incase they are completely clueless.

When you were asked "what did you want from me" I think your GP was trying to give you an opportunity to say if there was something specific you were hoping to get from the consultation (a drug, or referral), or if you have a specific concern (like you are worried about a particular condition). This is a specific technique that healthcare professionals use to make sure they are addressing your concerns and expectations properly.

IME there are some doctors who take the view that all first time mums are anxious googlers who run off to the GP at the drop of a hat. I’ve had at least two GPs take me more seriously when I have said it’s my second child.
And there are some doctors who seem to think every newish mother has PND (or at least they need to tick a box that says did you check if coping and signpost support).
Of course there are some doctors who do neither.
I’m ok with the “so what did you want” question as I usually know exactly what I want and this gives me my chance

You know when you’ve been patronised OP. Don’t take it personally it’s probably down to the GP having dealt with a lot of silly questions that week and chalking you up as one of them (which you’re clearly not).

@Janek

Sounds to me like she wasted her own time spending ages lecturing you! I would be upset in your position too. You went for reassurance that your dd was fine, that's perfectly reasonable if she's still ill and now being sick after three weeks. Don't let it put you off contacting medical help in the future if you need it. But maybe avoid that doctor...

I would rephrase you initial post and email the head of the surgery - fucking patronising GPs are not gods. She sounds like she was lauding her ego over you and not listening to you as a mum.

I was so sick and tired of the gp brushing me off with every infection that I contacted the practice manager referral to ent - he is deaf. Go figure

Ahh I've got three children still get the "What do you want from me" speech I usually respond with check his chest to make sure its clear ear and throat if you can and if you can't find anything I will keep up with the fluids and calpol one doctor asked if that would "reassure me" I said I've had no sleep for a week I will take your word for it if you say his chest is clear he was a bit irritated checked his chest realised ds had a chest infection sent me out with antibiotics

I've been right more often than wrong but I can live with that

Try propping up at night it stops things settling on the chest at night

I find that most medical professionals treat women as thick as shit and aim their communication at the lowest common denominator.

Whereas if DH goes wearing a suit and tie it's a different story.

I had one female GP constantly using the phrase 'down below' and in the end I said 'it's OK, I can cope with the word vagina'.

Now I think about it, it's society generally not just medical professionals.

So does she have a chest infection? It sounds from your post like you thought she had, but she hasn't. Is that right?

Sorry the doctor made you feel rubbish. Dont take it personally. They dont know you.

Follow your gut instinct. When my son was about 12 months old he has an awful wheezy chest and cough. He was seen by a GP who sent us home, no treatment. By 6pm the same day my son was admitted to hospital with pneumonia. Please don't be too harsh on yourself. Sounds like you did the right thing. 💐

You need to start advocating for yourself and standing up for yourself.

Many health professionals are rude and patronising. Especially doctors ime. I used to get flummoxed and then upset by it. I've learnt now not to allow it and to stand up for myself. So when she said you seem like you are struggling. I would have said something like "I'm not sure what's given you that idea, I'm not struggling at all, as I says at the beginning of the consultation I have just come in as my daughter was throwing up when coughing so I was concerned. You have checked her over and explained there is nothing to worry about which has addressed that concern".

Remember that doctors are not gods. They are just people, with medical knowledge who can provide you with an opinion. When you go in to see them have that in your mind. You are just there to seek an opinion. If you are not happy with it, see someone else. If they are rude, patronising or dismissive, maybe call them on it but definitely don't go back and see them again.