Really struggling with 14wo baby's sleep

[Dippidydoppidydoo]

My baby is 14 weeks old and is EBF. I have had a real struggle feeding him (supply/latch issues/tongue tie/weight issues early on). The problem I have is with his sleep. He will only BF to sleep. In the day, all of his naps are on the sofa with my nipple in his mouth. I can exentually slip my nipple out once he is properly asleep but if I try to put him down anywhere, he wakes up immediately. At night, I start his bedtime routine (change/feed/story/song/rock) but he screams and screams while I rock him until I give up and BF him to sleep. Then it usually takes three or four attempts of that whole cycle to get him down in his crib. This means that putting him to bed will often take two to three hours and he often won't be down before 11pm. When he wakes in the night for feeds, it will often take me over an hour to get him back down, meaning I spend three to four hours during the night just trying to get him back in his crib.

I am not able to put him down 'drowsy but awake' - he screams until he vomits in his crib. He won't sleep in a sling (I have five different types - he'll go for a walk in them but won't sleep), bouncer or swinging chair. He will sleep in his car seat if the car is moving but wakes up as soon as it stops. I am not prepared to do cry it out.

I put him down at the first sign of him being tired and try my best to respect age appropriate wake windows. He won't take a dummy or sleep on my partner or anyone else, which means I don't have any break at all.

The other thing is the impact this is having on breastfeeding. Because he is feeding to sleep and sleeping on the nipple, he isn't having full feeds when he wakes up and is constantly snacking, which makes it hard to keep track of his feeds. It is also very sore for my (already damaged) nipples and means they don't have a chance to recover.

I know that people say to embrace the cuddles while he's young and that he won't be this little forever, but this is making me so depressed. I need to be able to shower/eat/move my body a bit during the day for the sake of my mental health. Because he needs me to sit still for hours a day so he can sleep, I can't really go anywhere in the day. I don't feel I can take him anywhere or do anything with him. I don't go to any of the baby groups or local mum meet ups because when I try to, he gets horrifically overtired, screams the whole time we're out, and then really struggles to nap/sleep for the rest of the day and it just doesn't seem worth it. I am a first time mum and I feel so isolated. Everyone I speak to seems to be able to put their babies down for at least some time during the day or get some time in the evening with their partner once the baby is asleep and I just don't feel I can relate to their experiences at all. My partner has had some health issues and as it stands, has to be responsible for all the cooking and cleaning as well as going to work because I can't do anything other than hold the baby all day. Basically all our time together in the evening is spent trying to get the baby to sleep. Combined with ongoing feeding issues, I just feel like a compete failure and I'm not sure what to try next.

This is how we ended up bedsharing with my daughter, I do get a lot more sleep at night so that's good. In the daytime I have to lie down with her (I do email, groceries, bills on my phone or sometimes I nap too or read) or accept that she will have a short nap. Her insistence on nursing the whole time has lessened but she still needs physical contact. I would say she's down to 1-3 night "feeds" whereas during her two naps she'll look for the boob a few times but stay asleep 1.5-2 hours. She takes a 20 minute nap on her dad while I get dinner ready most nights too. I've mostly had to learn to do stuff while she's awake, I am much much less productive than before.

I do realize I have completely failed at sleep training, we have vague plans to try again when we move to our new house. In the meantime at least I'm getting more rest than when she was sleeping in her bassinet!

Ditch the crib, keep baby downstairs with you both until you are ready for bed, co-sleep when you do go up. You will get your evenings back one day, but at 14 weeks your baby is still very young and I wouldn't waste my evenings with you both getting stressed about trying to get him to sleep in a crib at a certain time.

Have you had him checked for things like silent reflux, CMPA, etc? Unhappy babies quite often have a reason for being unhappy (although some just don't seem to enjoy being babies!).

I’ve been in a similar boat with my DC2&3. It’s both lovely and infuriating!!! For the immediate term, to get through the next ~2 months, look up safe co-sleeping. It saved my sanity. I’d also ask a friend/relative/cleaning lady a couple of times a week to hold the baby for one nap so I could get some batch cooking done.

Then, somewhere between 4-6 months, Ferber is your friend. ;-)

This is a touuuuugh period, but you’re more than halfway through the worst of it!!! Hang in there, and ask for help when you need it.

The constant nursing also has me thinking there's a possible reflux issue

But also to give you a break have you tried dummies? I know some hate them but honestly if it's that or you being knackered and fed up I'd go with the dummies!

We used them with dd and I bf and there was no problem. She stopped taking them purely her own choice around the 6 month mark so yes I was lucky there but even those who have to wean/stop the baby having dummies themselves achieve it

Thanks for the responses.

@BookFiend4Life It seems that we may have to start bed sharing as well. My only concern is that if I can only get him to nap in the day in the bed, how will we ever spend any time out of the house? Do I just have to let that go and accept that we're either staying in or he's not sleeping?

@SylvanasWindrunner I guess we may ditch the crib and bedshare eventually. I would just really like a way for him to nap that doesn't need me to be immobile. Maybe that isn't realistic at this age. To answer your questions, he has been checked for reflux/cmpa etc. He's not an unhappy baby when he's slept. He just cries when he's tired and cries a lot when he gets overtired.

@Liervik Won't go in the pram unfortunately, not even for a walk! We got a Rokit in the hopes it would help keep him asleep but we've never been able to get him to sleep in there. I am so envious when I see other women pushing around their sleeping babies. I really wish he would do that!

@UpToMyElbowsInDiapers Thank you. I'm glad to hear other people have been here and got through it. I'm really trying to find a way for him to nap on his dad, even if just once a week, so I can do something other than hold him.

@Graphista He isn't really nursing cause he's hungry - just suckling to get himself to sleep. A perfect candidate for a dummy you'd think but he just spits them out. I do keep trying intermittently but so far, no luck.

Yeah when we go out and she needs to sleep I nurse her and then hold her or hand her off to dad. I would definitely prioritize getting him to nap.on someone else at least, give him the boob, let him get drowsy then hand him off and have them just rock and rock and rock him. Agree with others just let him sleep on one of you in the evening while you watch TV rather than spending hours trying to get him down. Have you tried nursing while baby wearing yet? It can be tricky but at least free up your arms for naps.

@BookFiend4Life Yes, I agree that I ought to prioritise getting him to sleep on someone else. I will try to really focus on that this week. Haven't tried nursing in a sling yet. It seems impossible to be honest. I'm quite intimidated by it!

It might be easier with ergobaby or similar and as he gains more head control he'll get better and better at finding your boob on his own!

Try different kinds. We eventually discovered what dds preferred size, shape and material was - and bought Fucking hundreds of them

I even got glow in the dark ones for when she lost them at night and would go nuts until I popped one back in!

Then at 6 months she went "nope" self settled just her own way and never had one again - I was very lucky there!

I had a friend when dd was a baby who had 4 dc herself, she was pregnant with her 4th while I was pregnant with dd

She had done dummies with no 1 but then found it very hard to get them to give them up which she was v annoyed by, so she decided not to do dummies with no 2 - they became a thumb sucker instead which she said was MUCH harder than dummies to stop, it honestly went on until the child was almost at high school, there were teeth issues, thumb infections all sorts! So with no 3 and 4 she went the dummy route.

She said with the dummies she could bin them, have some difficult nights but then it was over. With the thumb it was MUCH harder!

I/we co-slept as well. I say I/we as split from dds dad when she was little (not because of this! He was fine with co-sleeping quite liked it actually) and it continued after the split.

Dd gradually slept in with me less and less but even up till about 13/14 she'd come in with me of a weekend as a "treat" we'd watch a film and snack on junk and then she'd fall asleep before the film finished (something of a family in joke these days she has no watching stamina even now! even if it's HER favourite film!)

But if I had wanted to press the point she'd have been fine in her own bed I'd say from about 1 year on it wasn't a big issue for her or me, I just didn't mind her coming in with me.

It only stopped at the age it did as I was getting a battering!

She was bigger/taller than me by that point and she's a VERY restless sleeper!

One thing that occurs to me - if someone else is trying to settle/nap her are they doing it the way you would?

They don't necessarily like that. Dd certainly liked me to settle her one way, dad another, gran another etc

I also used to with her going down in Moses or cot I'd warm the Moses or cot up first (she's a winter baby just a few weeks after Xmas and her first winter was COLD) just with a hot water bottle then take the hot water bottle out just before popping her in.

Some people recommend having a t shirt or something in the cot that smells of you too