HELP! New Parents but now Family of 6!! (Young Siblings in our Care)

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Hi everyone ,
I hope I have put this in the right category, I am new to this site and just after some advice.

Me and my partner have brought up by ourselves my two younger sisters aged 9, 6 and my brother who is 3. This has been since they were 5, 2 and just three days old. We have lived together since this and especially the younger two have never known any different. They understand the fact we are not their parents as they understand mummy is in heaven but we are the ‘parent’ figures.
We have found out we are expecting our first child and I have a few concerns.
Eldest aged 9 was quite upset when she found out and thought that we wouldn’t love her and her siblings as much if we had our own baby as that will be ‘ours’. We have reassured her we will love everybody the same and she is coming round to the idea now.
However my problem is now the youngest two who just can’t grasp the concept of the baby being their niece / nephew. 3 year old keeps talking and telling people about his new baby brother / sister no matter how many times we try to explain how baby is his niece / nephew. The idea is completely going over 6 year olds head as she is autistic and in her head it is also set in stone that it’s her brother / sister. Also 9 year old understands the concept but ‘wishes she could say it’s her brother / sister’. Think this may be so friends and school don’t get confused / ask questions that might upset her (think most friends at school presume we are mum/dad).

So I was wondering what would you do? Let them think that it is their brother / sister until they are old enough to understand the concept for themselves or keep explaining it in to them until baby is born? Also a bit concerned about what other adults we know will think, will they think it’s weird?

TIA for any help, just wondering other people’s opinions.

First off, you and your DP have done a wonderful thing in raising your siblings. Secondly, a huge congratulations for your pregnancy news.

With regards to the little ones, I would suggest that you don't worry too much about the labels. The dynamics are already different for them as big sister is now their parent. Let the children use the words that they are comfortable with because in their eyes, you are going to be raising this baby as a sibling to the other children. Developmentally, the younger dc may not yet be ready to process he family dynamics. That's OK.

Perhaps use the term "the baby" rather than "our baby" or "your cousin" and let the relationships develop naturally over time.

for the little ones, school and other parents etc are likely to keep using the label brother/sister, and it will get complex to explain every time. Once baby is born, they can use his/her name anyway. so don't worry about it too much.

Let them use the label they are happy with.
In DH's culture all cousins are given the honorary title of brother/sister anyway, so it's not completely alien to all.
What do the kids call you?

I wouldn't worry too much. I've heard small children refer to the family pet as their brother/sister! I think as long as you refer to the relationships correctly, the children will adapt over time. As this stage it really doesn't matter how they refer to each other.

You might get good responses/advice if you post on the adoption board, as having a baby after adopting a child is something that happens and can be very confusing or confronting for the adopted child. The adopted child also had to decide whether to tell each individual they meet that they are adopted or not, and the parents have to stand by the adopted child's decision. My opinion is that if your brother and sisters want others to believe they're your children and only close personal friends and other family know then maybe you should respect that - but that might not be right, you'll get good answers from the adoption board from people who have had similar situations to you

It's probably easier to let them say brother/sister. There will be far more questions at school if they say niece/nephew. If it comes up in conversation with adults you can say (if you want) 'well he's actually their nephew but they think of themselves as siblings growing up together'. People often refer to step or half siblings just as brothers and sisters and similar with step parents. As an aside, well done to you and your partner. You probably felt you just did what you had to, but it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with your siblings.

My thought was also that it's essentially similar to an adoption/ long term fostering family, and not weird. I have foster siblings who now have their own children and are universally referred to as siblings/ cousins/ nephews etc. We all know they're not blood relatives although I actually forgot to make the relationship clear to my youngest and he was mildly interested but not perturbed when I explained that x and y are still his cousins but not actually blood relatives... (he's 11 though).

I wouldn't over complicate for now - let them say brother/ sister and just refer to "the baby" or later his or her name yourselves.

Do make sure school/ nursery know the relationship and that it's fine if they say the baby is their sibling for simplicity/ age appropriate understanding level. Even with the 9 year old - a foster child would be allowed to call your new baby sister/ brother but know its not technically correct, and this seems to apply here too.

congratulations on your pregnancy.

It's understandable they would see the baby as their brother / sister and I would let them as the family dynamics lend themselves to that.

In almost any other situation they'd be referred to as brothers and sisters when living with the same parents - eg. half sisters, step sisters. I'd let them stick with brothers/sisters for the time being. You've done your best to explain now and it's causing some confusion and distress. Try again when they get a bit older.

I would let them call the baby their sibling. It matters to them and makes no difference to the baby or you really . It sounds like a very challenging situation that you're making a great job of improving their lives x

Hi
I'm an adoptive mum. Firstly congratulations on your baby, lovely news.
To all intents and purposes you are mum and dad, as you say the younger two don't know any different, and memories for the older one will fade. With the right support children can get their heads round the concept of having more than one mum and dad.

In adoption land children have what are called life story books which explain their histories in an age appropriate way which you can add to as they get older and develop understanding. It might be worth you looking at some of the literature around life story work.
So personally wouldn't push the idea of the new baby being a niece or nephew, rather than a brother/sister. They are too young and to be honest it really doesn't matter - you are a family and that's what counts.
What other people think really doesn't matter either.
What matters is that your family works and everyone feels happy with their place in it.
I think if you were to insist on using the correct biological labels, when everyone knows you live as a family, you run the risk of all the children having to explain where the 'real ' mum is. That's a very personal story and they may not want to be put in a position of explaining the death of a parent they never knew.

There is a book by Todd Parr called We Are Family which looks at the different ways families are formed, which would be good for the younger two.

I also grew up with three brothers, except one was my uncle who lived with his parents ( my maternal grandparents). But we were all very close in age, he was always more an older brother figure rather than an uncle.
My son is 17 now, he is ok talking in terms if his two mums. His birth mum has her place in his story, I have my place. I am very much his mum though.
Families can be complicated !

First of all congratulations, secondly how amazing you could step in and bring up your siblings, im guessing you were pretty young to parent 3 children!

As for explaining to the younger ones, I wouldn't worry too much, just talk in the terms you wish to use in the house, she'll work it out later. Do you have any help from social services or camhs to help with the transition if you need it for the middle one - make sure you ask, you are doing an amazing job never forget it

No proper advice from me but congratulations on your pregnancy and you and your DH are amazing for bringing up your siblings. We're also not a fan of labels in our blended family and we too have a DC who refers to the dog as her brother!

I am also bringing up a relative on a permanent basis and may be in that situation one day. I am also care-experienced and adopted.

I would say let them call your new baby their brother/sister. I think it actually matters little what the legal status is ie. whether you have adopted them (in which case they would legally be siblings) or whether you have them under an SGO or by some other legal order or arrangement. I assume you will be bringing them up until adulthood, and day-to-day and emotionally they will be your new baby's sibling.

Reinforcing that they are cousins could be upsetting insofar as it could feel like undermining the relationship (with you and/or the baby) and also marking them out as different. As someone who was in care, I call the foster siblings I lived with for a long time brother/sister: I only clarify to close friends or if I need to. Likewise, people who call my half-sibling my brother annoy me, as we have always been brought up as full siblings. In both of these cases it is who I was brought up with, and not the legal or biological situation, that was paramount. However, I have always been aware of the legal and biological situation, and of course one or more of the children you care for may come to feel differently. - But from what you've said it sounds like they want/need to call the baby their sibling at the moment.

It is of course important that they are aware of their origins and their own stories, which you already know. This kind of life story work isn't a one-time thing that they will then understand; rather, they will continously be changing and maturing in their understanding of their history and place within your family. It sounds at the moment as though the older ones have anxieties about the new baby and that the younger ones don't necessarily have the grasp yet of the situation. It seems that emphasising that they are all important to you, and all your children, may be quite important to them at present (and looking ahead too).

I know that support for kinship carers is woefully pitiful, and is also often geared towards grandparent carers - who are unlikely to be in this situation - rather than sibling carers. However, there may be some adopters who can point you towards information to help you help your siblings navigate their feelings about their history and place within your family. In answer to your question though, I would say let them call them their sibling, as long as they know, in an age-appropriate way, the biological situation. It can be uncomfortable (I don't know if they ever call you mum - sorry if you mention in your post) - the child I am bringing up still has contact with their mum so it was weird at first when they sometimes called me mummy. However, we let them call us how they like, and in many social situations where the legal situation is not important I'm just mummy.

Hope that helps.

PS I've referred to the children you're bringing up as your siblings for clarity and because that's how you refer to them, hopefully that's ok