In-laws favouring other grandchildren

[DBI78]

Hi my dh and I have been together 13 years and have a 6 year old, we also have 2 teens from my previous marriage. Whilst dh parents have always been kind to the teens they have never made an effort to be grandparents to them ( my teens were 6+8 when dh and I met) when our son was born they became a bit more involved and we would see them every couple of weeks usually us visiting them (we are a 45 minute drive away). However when my niece was born they see her every day, ( they live a few streets away) they babysit several times a week (we ask every couple month and they never offer) and they are alway treating niece. Whilst I get living closer makes it easier to spend time together there is a vast difference in how they are with each grandchild. It feels so unfair they also let niece who’s 3 get away with murder (kicking hitting etc) but would always criticise us for being too soft with our son when he was same age. I get so frustrated but my dh isn’t as bothered and gets annoyed at me for caring so much. We didn’t see them during lockdown but they did see sil and her family constantly. We suggested they come and visit recently to have a bit of one to one time with our son as they haven’t had much time with him through lockdown. They brought my niece with them to give sil and her husband a break! Any tips for either resolving or accepting this situation?

There is nothing you can do so best to make peace with it.

I would also distance yourselves to minimise the hurt to your DC. We had similar with my in- laws except they were pretty involved with my kids but dropped them when their cousins came along. We see them rarely now after my kids started saying there was no point in going to visit because grandma did not pay them any attention. I think she regrets it now although no admission and no apology. Therefore no change.
All you can do is focus on the people who do love and care about your kids.

If your other children were 6 and 8 when you met, and are now - what - 19 and 21 ? I can see how it wouldn't be easy for the in-laws to get to know them as grandchildren. If you've always lived 45 min apart it wouldn't be a natural thing for you all to be like one big happy family. So I wouldn't be concerned about how they are with your older children, who are adults already . ( To be honest, how interested are your older kids in having a relationship with them ? In my experience I'd say that older kids are totally uninterested in fostering relationships with stepmother's parents).

I guess it's only natural that they see their granddaughter more often, since she is a few streets away. And with lockdown you didn't see them at all, so any relationship is going to be less than it would normally be.

I'd back off and take the lead from your DH - don't let it bother you. You'll never resolve the situation - you can't make the IL's be any different . You live far away so just enjoy your lives and visit them irregularly when you feel like it.

From experience. They won't change and it'll backfire if you say anything about it. So just accept it and move on with building relationships between your kids and the people who do want to spend time with them.

What do your parents do? You moan about his, but they are nearer his sister so obviously see hem more.
Do your elder two make an effort with them? Do they ring them? Do they Invite them over for tea? It seems like you just want a babysitter every couple of months. Do you plan days out with them or just stay in?

Is SIL MIL daughter? My mum thinks maternal grandmothers have a different relationship to paternal ones. So she’ll criticise my niece and her upbringing but our DS is the golden child. She’s happy seeing niece once every other month but she insists on visiting us constantly. She even said she didn’t feel like a grandma until DS was born (niece is older). Maybe your PIL are equally archaic?

It does sound very hurtful OP. However it makes sense that they see her more if they live close by, and we're able to walk and see them during lockdown when travelling 45 wouldn't have been "allowed". Also parents do tend to be closer to daughters than sons and by extension, daughters children.

For the babysitting thing, it sounds like they do babysit when you ask so I don't see why that's an issue? Obviously the SIL asks more often than you but they live very close by so that's to be expected.

Did you know in advance that they were bringing niece when they came to visit as couldn't you have said "no, "?

Purbal yes sil is their child so agree I think it does make a difference

They didn’t ask just brought her along.

Starrynight21 yes I agree no issue with my older two now was more explaining they didn’t make effort when they were younger.

No parents or family on my side unfortunately it would probably bother me less if there were

Maybe they think your older dc could babysit? I think with that distance you would need to do more of the running around. I would though concentrate on building relationships with people you choose for your dc, not just family.

From experience, this is very painful and unlikely to change. The only answer is to step right back and protect your DS.

It's not going to change. It's more of a reflection of the Mother/Daughter closeness than actually preferring that child.
You can't make your kids more popular. It's not really about them..

Yep, SIL Dc will always be the favourite IME. Had years of it. My PIL even called my nephews 'ours' at one point. Bigger and better presents, prioritised for babysitting etc etc.
Just see less of them and be glad SIL will be prioritised for help as they get older and you can make minimal effort without guilt.