Can’t cope with my daughter

[TurnUpTurnip]

My daughter is 10 and has autism, she is in a mainstream primary school in year 6. She has melt downs a lot and throws herself on the floor and cries and screams, she is triggered by everything the smallest thing will set her off, a few years ago she was very bad but it seemed to have got better, she use to try to attack strangers and I couldn’t go anywhere with her as I’m a lone parent, people simply just talking would trigger her, laughing in particular. Anyway today I went to pick up my children from school. I have a younger child in reception and my daughters TA will meet me by the reception with my daughter, well today she brought her round and everything seemed fine and then she left, within 30 seconds I was standing their waiting for my little one to come out a toddler was also by the door and dropped a piece of paper, well my daughter went absolutely mad she just switched like a light switch. She screamed at the child why did you do that, then went to hit him, which she did (it was more of a tap and the child didn’t cry but I am absolutely distraught) she then ran off screaming so I chased after her, she approached a teacher at the gate took off her bag and then started hitting the teacher with the bag, I’m so upset I don’t feel I can even take my daughter back to reception again. Of course I apologised to all of them but I am so ashamed and humiliated that I cried all the way home. How can I possibly show my face down there again. Not one of the teachers helped me or even asked me if I was ok, I got out of the gate and burst into tears.

Hi @TurnUpTurnip, you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about! Do you have any support, friends, family?
I have a child with SEN and understand how hard and upsetting it can be at times when they are going through an especially hard phase. Sending you lots of

You poor love. You haven’t done anything whatsoever wrong. I don’t have any advice as no experience but someone will be able to advise you .

Thank you both I just don’t feel I can take my younger one back to reception now, I’m too embarrassed about what happened and I don’t feel I can face the other parents as I feel like I will be judged/ looked down on now, there was no justification I could say to the other mum, I don’t want to go back there everyone was staring at me. I’m not strong enough to keep facing this, people say hold your head high but I can’t, I already suffer from anxiety and low self esteem I don’t have it in me to be strong anymore. My mum has taken her for the weekend I do have people but honestly none of them really understand, I don’t know anyone else with an autistic child, none of them can relate, all I ever get off my mum is “she’s not like that with me”

I absolutely hear what you're saying

I don't know if it would be relevant to you and your dd but my Ds is diagnosed with autism. He is absolutely like Jekyll and Hyde. Without a doubt he is the most calm, affectionate, thoughtful, caring little boy, then turns on a penny and will be punching, biting and kicking me.

Through the years we've had so far I can tell you what I've learned....

Me and our home is Ds 'safe space'. He doesn't have to tolerate, put up, or endure anything there because he is 'safe' to release how he is truly feeling.
School May be one of those places where your dd is keeping things together all day, holding/masking her emotions-but when she feels relaxed and safe she lets rip

That is totally fine. How your dd feels and acts when she is like that is fine. We all have outbursts to an extent. Your dd needs to know there is nothing to be ashamed of

We had a particular difficult time with Ds and he was extremely anxious and volatile. He has bitten staff, head butted, kicked, nipped staff.

And I'll tell you what I admire the most about my Ds. He can do these things (which btw are not something he can control at the time), and the next day he has to face those staff and start a fresh day. He apologises now on his own accord (it happens less frequently now). The resilience he has, the fact he faces these people after he's hurt them and knows he has hurt them, astounds me.
I couldn't imagine going to work the day after biting/hitting my work colleagues and just getting on with my day.
The main issue is that the adults around my Ds accept that this behaviour is not under his control currently. When he is calm he wouldn't ever hurt anyone. These outbursts are him showing he can't control the anxiety he has.

The shame and guilt he feels breaks my heart. My Ds is 8. And shame and guilt are two awful emotions to deal with even as an adult. I can't imagine how it must be for him

My point being, the staff will (or at least, should), understand that your dd behaviour wasn't personal. It was a reaction to how she was feeling. She's a child. That behaviour should be accepted and worked on so that if and when she feels like that again, she may be able to handle it better, for her.

Please don't feel bad. You are absolutely not alone x

I think you need to reach out for some specialised support. Autism is common & there are numerous charities & support networks across the country. I’m sure you will find something locally, you certainly won’t be the only parent in your school with an autistic child I wouldn’t have thought..

What are the school like? What support do you get from them? It’s really sad none of the teachers stepped in to help the above situation.

Research on the Internet, ask your GP, ask the school.. someone will be able to point you in the right direction!

@FairyHuck That was a really lovely message.

I feel for you, it's tough coping alone with a child that needs extra care. You need support. Ask for help from professionals, sounds like your daughter needs help managing her anger/frustrations. If she doesn't get some coping strategies in place now it will escalate as she gets older.

We have one who is still waiting on his asd assessment, I've found having him focused on something helps manage outbursts. Fidget toys are pretty useful.

Bless you. You have done nothing wrong. And TBH in a way neither did your daughter. At that point she couldn’t help how she acted. She’s a child. A child who is clearly struggling.
Oh and why she doesn’t behave like that with your mum? Children with autism often mask the difficulties they have and how they are feeling. Until they are in their safe space at home.
I do hope that you and your daughter get the help you need and deserve.

Thank you @HollowTalk . Any dc, with or without additional needs is so complex. I can only talk for mine.

My Ds started at a special needs school when he was 6. COVID apart, without a doubt, being around the trained staff, speech therapist, behavioural therapist, staff who can do deep tissue massage/makaton/ and general acceptance of how my Ds is, has made a world of difference to my Ds.

And I fought to keep him out of a special school. I selfishly wanted him mainstream but the funds were just not there and ultimately it wasn't the best place for him.

Certainly for now, he is in the right place. Surrounded by people who not only understand him, but accept him, build him up, let him know he's fantastic and celebrate every milestone. And work with him to understand how to deal with his anxieties so he can overcome them. Because when you have additional needs, every milestone is huge

FairyHuck thank you for your kind message that actually made me cry, in a good way. I just feel so fed up of being strong, she melts down a lot, it’s most days and I try to be strong and hold it together but today just broke me, I keep thinking it over in slow motion. I’m struggling to hold my head up high and I’m mortified about it. She is in mainstream and going into secondary school next year and I want her to go into a special school but according to her school she won’t get into one as she isn’t behind enough academically, this is despite having a 1:1 all day and a ehcp. School aren’t supportive really I’ve just been told that she won’t get into a special school that’s it really, I’m going to fight that but I don’t have the support of the school. Family rarely witness the behaviour and refer to her as a “little angel” and “harmless”, which makes me feel bad that she acts this way with me like it’s my fault. She has no danger awareness pick ups are usually hard anyway and she runs into the road, my younger child wanted to go to the shop the other day but because I wouldn’t take her she started crying this resulted in my older daughter screaming and running into the road, she hates the sound of children crying especially younger children when it’s that screechy cry as she is very sound sensitive, she wears ear defenders all day as she can’t cope with noise, she is too big and strong now for me to stop her, she is taller than me and pretty strong. I can’t talk to her she refuses to speak to us and mostly just screams if you try to talk to her. she won’t come in the room with anyone at home as she hates the noise and spends all day her bedroom.

Two of my DDs have autism (11 and 8). The oldest has just finished mainstream and has gone to a specialist secondary. The other attends a specialist. How’s your dd at school? I’m wondering if she’s calm at school and stores it all up so that once away from school and dropping the mask she’s very burnt out why is small things can trigger her. Yvonne newbold is very good and runs webinars that are like £2.50 to watch. Mine have had so many meltdowns. No one has ever offered help just stood around watching me struggling. It’s very isolating. Do you have any local charities that might help? They can often sign post to help you might get from health and social care.

She is the same at school usually she is very behind mentally and emotionally I would say she’s like a 3/ 4 year old she lies on the floor licks walls, she’s doesn’t really mask however she isn’t usually aggressive however she hasn’t wanted to go to school recently and has been saying that her leg hurts so she doesn’t have to go (despite there being nothing wrong with it) however she has has very limited speech and communication and can’t explain why she doesn’t want to go to school so I have been wondering if something has happened at school. If something had she wouldn’t be able to say.

I cry too op, you're not alone in that either. It can be incredibly tough having a dc with additional needs, whatever those needs are. It's hard being strong, putting a brave face on, pretending everything is ok etc, it's emotionally draining. I am a very resilient, quite cold person mostly but just talking about my Ds has me in tears

I haven't come to the secondary school part with my Ds yet but if you feel it Will be a struggle for her, ask if her Ehcp can be reviewed. Speak to the senco, ask for an EHA meeting. This is a meeting where everything spoken about is recorded for county/council. Ask again for a specialist school if that's what you think your dd needs.
Unfortunately, finances are stretched everywhere, particularly with schools and you may have to fight for a place at a specialist school.
You are the biggest support and advocate for your dd that she will ever have. If you think she will thrive elsewhere, fight for it. Your dd deserves and needs to be in an educational setting where it's appropriate for her. Wherever that may be.
It's a long fight op. There are no quick fixes. But I promise you, when you are surrounded by people who are throwing support on you from all directions (like it is/was in my ds's specialist school) everything becomes a little easier. You realise you're not alone. Your dc is not alone. There are strategies that work and help you. How your dc feels and is behaving becomes accepted and is no longer a burden because you are now amongst people who experience the same things everyday

Pls seek further help op. School isn't just about education and what levels dc are at. It's how they personally develop. How far your dc has come on that year. How much progress your dc has made that suits them, not necessarily a regimented curriculum

From your last post @TurnUpTurnip I feel she'd thrive in a specialist school. Pls look into it

It may be that she sees the progress/difference between her and her peers currently and that's causing anxiety. Which leads to self hate/ emotional outbursts

No advice...but didn’t want to read and run....IMO you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed off....it must be very very hard for you....sending 💐

There is an autism support group near me they keep advertising on the local Facebook page but I’ve always put off going because I’m quite shy but I will build up the courage and go, I need to find others in the same boat as me. Thanks all