Struggling with two kids

[MyBabyBoyBlue]

Hi all, I have a 4 year old DS and a four month old DD and I am struggling. I knew it would be hard but it is unlike anything I could have imagined - I feel like everyone wants all of me all the time and I’m failing all of them by not being able to do that. The baby is going through a phase of refusing to be put down and also has started waking in the night for several hours. A month ago she was sleeping far better than she is now - my four year old doesn’t sleep well and never has, still has several night wakings and lately they seem to be taking it in turns to wake up so I never get any sleep myself. The house is a tip, dinner is beans on toast or steamed veg with whatever frozen item I can find in the freezer because I just don’t have the energy to cook as I usually would. The laundry is piling up and I never have time to stop to eat or drink.

I am hating every moment of it - I feel like I’ve lost myself, I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’m just a mum now who just finds everything so bloody hard. Everything with DS is a battle - to getting dressed to having breakfast, putting shoes on, going for a walk, brushing teeth - even things he wants to do he battles me over. I’ve put together an activity basket for him and we spend several hours a day doing things from this which he enjoys while he’s doing them but then five minutes afterwards he is screaming and crying again.

I’m exhausted. I don’t know what I’m asking really - maybe if anyone has any coping strategies for looking after two children when one is still so tiny.

Do you have a partner OP?

It's so tough at times. It does get better.

Slings and electronic baby swings helped me.

Are you using DS's free nursery hours? Would give you a break and him a change of scenery

I have two - 3yo and 2month old. If the older one wasn't in nursery 3 days a week, I don't know how I'd survive.

I do have a partner but he works really long hours and often weekends as well. I feel like I’m failing him by finding this so hard. My DS does his free nursery hours, I don’t know what I’d do without that - but DD doesn’t let me put her down. She spends a lot of her day in the sling so I can at least empty and reload the dishwasher etc but that’s about all I manage before she’s fed up. When does it get easier?

I completely understand how you feel! I found having my eldest so easy and loved every second so thought having a second would be fine! How naive DS2 has been such hard work and DS1 found it really hard to adjust to having a sibling (he has SEN so preparing him for the baby was difficult). He went from being happy and easy going to tantrums and difficult behaviour overnight once DS2 was born. They are now 4 and 1 and if I’m honest I’m still struggling and finding it hard Sorry I don’t have any useful advice but I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in how you’re feeling x

@MyBabyBoyBlue

I do have a partner but he works really long hours and often weekends as well. I feel like I’m failing him by finding this so hard. My DS does his free nursery hours, I don’t know what I’d do without that - but DD doesn’t let me put her down. She spends a lot of her day in the sling so I can at least empty and reload the dishwasher etc but that’s about all I manage before she’s fed up. When does it get easier?

Do you mean you think you're failing your husband? If so, why do you think that? Do you think he'd find it a breeze if you were to trade places? I doubt it. My DH is very hands on and does as much as he can (i.e. when not at work) but you can just see the struggle in his eyes when he takes on both DCs at once for just a little while😆.

I have no advice but just offering solidarity as I am going through the same thing and it's shit. However, it will get easier once baby becomes more independent. You're only a couple of months of weaning age so you'll soon be able to put her in a high chair and keep her occupied with different foods. It won't be so hard like this forever. At least, that's what I keep telling myself!

I very much felt like you at different points and I promise it does get better! I found that when my younger DS turned 6 months and was in a better routine I could plan my days more easily so that during nap time I did an activity with my older DD and it was easier to plan mornings out.
One of my best coping strategies was that after lunch my older DD had tv or tablet time and my baby DS either had a nap or play time on the floor and I would sit and have a cup of tea with no expectation on myself to do anything more than that. That half an hour (an hour if I could) revived me for the afternoon.

I hear you. I have a just turned 2 year old and a 5 months old. No nursery hours yet and hubby works away Monday - Friday so I’m alone all week :( then at weekends he either works from home or shoots back to work 150 miles away.

The first 4 months were hell on earth but it’s starting to turn a bit now that baby is settling into a routine. He was very clingy too and my two year old had a horrendous tantrums.

Baby went through a sleep regression at 4 months which I’ve read is normal as they go through a developmental leap around then. He settled back to normal a couple of weeks later.

I cope much better if we get out the house. We’ve started going to playgroups, we go the park when it’s dry and to soft play. This helps with my two year olds tantrums as it seems to release all of his energy.

We go out in the morning but it’s not enough. After lunchtime naps the house gets destroyed and I find I’m chasing my tail with them both and the house. So now I’m planning more outings for after nap and lunch.

Baby will soon settle and will stop being so clingy, it’s just around the corner. I found that the most difficult of it all but it does end. I just went on autopilot during those months knowing it will get better

No magic suggestions but I found the 4/5 months mark with my second and third the absolute hardest stage. The baby is aware of their limitations and frustrated and harder to look after, hormone rushes for you have worn off and exhaustion has bedded in. But we turned a corner at 6 months with all three of them. So from my experience you’re in the darkest before dawn bit of it all and you are doing an amazing job just getting through each day.

You are probably in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression which is horrendous. Everything you are doing sounds normal and you are coping. It's just really bloody hard! It gets easier for sure. You need to enlist as much help as you possibly can. If you can't get any help then you neednto get out of the house of have people over to keep your sanity. Even a walk to the supermarket is better than being in the house with 2 small children. Hang in there, you'll get past this stage xxx

Would it be easier to entertain them at a stay-and-play or local toddler/baby group? Gets you out of the house, new toys, change of scene. Was a literal life-saver when I had a toddler and baby.

My kids are dd nearly 12 and dd nearly 7. Simple easy nil issue.
Been there done this and my god was hard work

Thank you for all your lovely replies, I’m glad it’s not just me who finds it hard.

The four month sleep regression sounds right on the money I’ve just been reading up on it - hopefully it’ll pass soon and then at least I’ll be able to get a bit more sleep.

I need to get out with them more - I try and avoid lots of trips out because DS just runs off when I’m pushing the pram and doesn’t listen. We usually make it to the park on his days at home but it’s always a nightmare! I feel awful for wishing time away but I really can’t wait for them to both be a little bit older and easier to manage

I found it got easier with the younger one was about 18m, and reached peak difficulty at about 9 -12 months.

The point where they both run in opposite directions us 'fun' but you may not get that as my age gap was just under my 2y

Your partner really should be doing some of the night wakings though, however long hours he works.

I'd also personally ditch the pram and primarily use the sling when out as at least that way you can run after your eldest

When I say easier when older. They fight like cat and dog. Eldest talks about crap and youngest shouts mum mum mum constantly. However my near 7 year old knows how to mop the floor and ensure not to overly wet floor strip and re make the bed. The youngest def grows up alot easier

Hi, I found the baby stages with my second so hard and did wish the time away, she is 16months now and it's still hard but in a different way (which I find more manageable) and there are glimpses of an easier future! Hang on in there it will get better 💐

I had 2 under 2, it was really hard so I completely empathise with you. I found up to 4 months the hardest, as my eldest was waking a lot - I think he realized the baby wasn’t just a visitor at that stage!! The baby had reflux and couldn’t be left down for even a second, and she wouldn’t even go in a sling.

As a pp said, 6 months was a major turning point. It got easier every month since (the youngest is 1 now, but we still have beans on toast pretty regularly 😊). It probably seems like ages away, but you’ve survived the first 4 months, so you’ll get through the next 2 as well. Good luck OP!

You're doing amazingly since you seem to be doing it pretty much solo. Mine are 2.5 and 10 months and the first 6 months or so were pretty brutal. It's definitely gotten easier, but there are still hard days (usually following nights of no sleep!).

Practical things:
Can DH take on your DS night waking? I find I can just about manage being on night duty for the baby, even if she's mid regression or teething, if I don't also have to wake up with my eldest. He usually only wakes once a night and DH sorts that.

Can DH help with getting meals for the week sorted in advance? Just having the mental load of thinking what to have shared makes a big difference. It doesn't matter if its quick and easy food, but you don't need the stress of trying to figure out what you're having.

Get out!! Do you have friends with children? Arrange regular play dates. This is extra important as the weather turns. I find DS behaves so much better if we're out and about or if he has a friend visiting, it just breaks his routine up a bit.

I had a baby and a dd who was 4. Luckily dd1 was at nursery 2 days a week which helped. Dd2 was quite an easy baby but she did have to go in her bouncy chairs quite a bit so I could cook, tidy, put washing out etc. I had a bouncy chair upstairs and downstairs. She liked the bumbo chair too and would be entertained watching her big sister. Everything is harder with interrupted sleep, hope that improves soon. Mine are 4 and nearly 8 now, definitely easier but I haven't forgotten those tough months. Hang on in there, do what you can to keep it easy on you, it will get better.

My tips for getting things done would be when you get up in the morning, do as much as possible. Stick 4 year old in front of the telly for an hour and get a washing on, put the one from the previous day away. Get some breakfast, and clear up all the breakfast stuff. Pack up The babies bag for at least 4 hours put the house. Get everyone dresses and have a quick blots round clearing up toys before you leave. Go out for a while. When you get back empty the baby bag straight away. Maybe play with the 4 year old for half an hour and then go stick dinner on. Clear as you go, but make them easy dinners.
Get children ready for bed, load dish washer/do dishes, bottles (if you're using them), hang the washing up (if that's what you do), hoover and tidy up. Get children to bed.
I like to make sure I've got all the house work done, and everything ready for the next day before my youngest is in bed. Also, learning to do things really quickly helps. I don't mean that to sound patronising at all, I just know some people struggle to do things quickly so I think making sure you are thinking and planning the next thing you are going to while you are still doing the last thing helps with this (strong coffee also helps 🤣).
Your house does not need to be perfect but having the big things like washing and dishes (and I like to hoover) done before bedtime really helps, so when they are finally asleep, you can go to sleep.
It gets better once the baby can move around themselves.

OP I could have written this, I have a 3 yo and a 7 month old and also have a partner who works.long shifts with nights and weekends. My son doesn't yet qualify for free hours and he watches far, far too much TV when baby is napping on me.

I have no magic solutions but it is getting a little easy now DD can sit up by herself and is interested in toys - I can get a little done that way..also trying to maximise all opportunities eg if kids are happy in their chairs eating I quickly stack the dishwasher/ sweep up / sort washing. Also I do a lot of batch cooking when my husband or my mum are round so I don't have to cook and clear up each night. Good luck. You got this!

Also.. if you need to put baby down in order to get stuff done, and they whine a bit? That’s ok! I’m no advocate for controlled crying or sleep training, but 5 minutes in the bouncy chair while you hang some laundry? No biggie! I found when mine were small that days at home dragged, so I tried to get out morning and afternoon. Just simple things.. park, shops, library, car wash (that was ds’s favourite when he was four )
Hang in there.. it gets easier. x