Ex won't commit to regular contact.

[hug19]

My ex is refusing to set up regular contact with our 2 children (14 years & 11 years). We have been separated for 8 years and at first contact was sporadic and on his terms but then about 4 years ago he committed to a regular routine. So he used to see them every other weekend from then up until March 2020 before covid hit but then seems to have used covid as a reason not to see them regularly. I have repeatedly asked him to got back to the every other weekend arrangement but he has refused. Instead, he just wants to flit in and out whenever it suits him. My children are really not happy about this and I’m often comforting them as they feel rejected by him. Now it’s getting to the point my 14year old doesn’t want to see him and says she doesn’t have a bond with him anyway and my 11 year old doesn’t want to see him by themselves so won’t go if their sibling refuses to. I really want to tell my ex to leave them alone and not see them again unless he is willing to commit to a regular routine as the inconsistency is just not fair on the children. Can I do this or have I just got to sit back and let him come and go as he pleases?

They're old enough to make their own decisions so I'd tell him what the children have said, and that he either steps up or leaves them alone.

I think the 14 Yr old can choose but the 11 Yr old can't.
Why don't you just not be available?
If its short notice just say "that doesn't work for us, we've made plans" make it difficult for him, hopefully he'll give up or he'll huff and puff and take you to court then you'll get court ordered contact that hopefully he'll stick to, probably won't though.
In a couple of years the 11 Yr old will be able to choose to see him or not.

They are just led enough to decide for themselves. Tell him what they have said. If he gets in touch and it’s not convenient or they don’t want to then tell him so.

Why don’t you tell him that the DC will be available EOW to see him, but if he chooses not to have contact on ‘his’ weekend then they won’t be available any other time. Tell him to confirm by Weds of the contact week whether he’ll be seeing them or not.

@NoSquirrels

Why don’t you tell him that the DC will be available EOW to see him, but if he chooses not to have contact on ‘his’ weekend then they won’t be available any other time. Tell him to confirm by Weds of the contact week whether he’ll be seeing them or not.

This, this, this.

You make sure the dc are available according to the previous, mutually agreed schedule, and email him the dates. Explicitly state that it is in the kids best interests to have a routine so that you and they can make plans on YOUR time with them.

Of course, he's not obliged to see them at all (my ex has seen the kids twice in 2.5 years) but you are not being unreasonable in facilitating contact this way.

THEN you have to be very very firm with grey rock and NOT accepting his ad-hoc contact requests.

Kids need stability. If this means that they come to realise dad is a unreliable useless prick then that's on his shoulders, not yours.

Leave 'his' weekends free, and arrange a babysitter if you want a night out.

Once he sees he's not pulling the strings any more he might just start becoming a more regular person in the kids lives. Or he might not. Meh.

Hi hug,
I was in the same boat. My daughters father who lives a long distance away saw her for weekends every fortnight for years until he met his new wife and it went from that to a weekend every other month to nothing over lockdown and now once every 3 months and I feel your pain. Its unacceptable but knowing how much you love and care for your kids my advice is simple. Never use the opportunity to speak badly about their father as they love him always unconditionally and will cause them ongoing pain. Make it clear that he needs to give advance notice to you re visits and if he is difficult suggest you need otherwise to make a formal legal arrangement and sooner the better. Keep this from your children while being sorted. U deserve so much better but try to keep a distance. My daughter is 17 now and has a positive relationship with her father which she needs but is hugely aware who was there for her growing up and who she can always turn too. X