Hard to see myself as a mum ( I just need to talk )

[Eri21]

I guess the title says it all.
Little background story - growing up I never really wanted kids. I thought they are cute and funny but from the distance. I never really saw myself as a mum and would be quite happy to live childless TBH.
My mum was a single parent and I don’t have any other siblings so I grew up with her and my grandparents who looked after me while she worked in a hospital on 24h shifts. So basically I didn’t have a traditional family model to look at.
And plus my mum is a midwife so since my teenager years I heard “just don’t get pregnant too young, whatever you do don’t get pregnant etc…. “. So I think that idea subconsciously stayed in my mind because for years I was scared to get pregnant, hell I was terrified and thought the at would be the worst ever thing.
Fast forward - up until the age of 34 when I had my first baby I really didn’t think I want kids. I’m too selfish, to ego, I like to put myself first.
And then I met my current partner who wanted children from me but I always said no. Despite the fact that I had a stable job and loving partner I was terrified of the idea of getting pregnant.
And then finally I gave in - we both decided ( without him forcing me ) that we want a baby.
And now we have a lovely and cute 8m old boy.
And I feel like this is not my life. This is not what I want.
Don’t get me wrong - he’s not neglected in any shape or form, he’s very much loved and growing up in a loving family but I don’t have that mum feeling.
When I look at myself from the side I feel lost. This is not who I am. I’m not to supposed to be doing this.
I want to be myself again - spending money on just myself, planning long haul holidays and just do nothing on the beach… When I look at myself now and thinking that next holidays will be with a child pool not adults only I wonder where did it go wrong. I never wanted to stand outside school gates or help with math questions. All those things just seems so …. unnatural to me.
Like I said I love my boy to the death but… I don’t even know. I just feel like a lost myself and my identity and I’m “not ready” to be a mum… Future with the kids is still so terrifying to me…
I hope there is someone who understands me…

You aren’t alone OP. It’s completely normal to think ‘what the hell have I done’ wether you were desperate for a baby or completely ambivalent. A lot of the day-to-day of parenting isn’t very fun and it’s fine to miss your old life. Personally I felt completely lost for the first year (plus) of DS’ life, even though I had been desperate for a baby. I wasn’t depressed (I’m not sure if you’ve considered this?) but just completely lost in the enormity of a baby. I’m not sure the mundane aspects of parenting come ‘naturally’ to anyone as well? So please don’t panic about not being good at things that are far off in the future.

Have you gone/are you planning on going back to work? I personally found that really helped with identity finding again. Just start ticking off things you are dreading as well. We had our first holiday last week. It wasn’t anywhere near as good as holidays pre-baby, but I enjoyed it for what it was and I’m glad we did it.

@AliceW89

You aren’t alone OP. It’s completely normal to think ‘what the hell have I done’ wether you were desperate for a baby or completely ambivalent. A lot of the day-to-day of parenting isn’t very fun and it’s fine to miss your old life. Personally I felt completely lost for the first year (plus) of DS’ life, even though I had been desperate for a baby. I wasn’t depressed (I’m not sure if you’ve considered this?) but just completely lost in the enormity of a baby. I’m not sure the mundane aspects of parenting come ‘naturally’ to anyone as well? So please don’t panic about not being good at things that are far off in the future.

Have you gone/are you planning on going back to work? I personally found that really helped with identity finding again. Just start ticking off things you are dreading as well. We had our first holiday last week. It wasn’t anywhere near as good as holidays pre-baby, but I enjoyed it for what it was and I’m glad we did it.

I can't give much better advice than this as I think it is spot on.

It gets so much better/easier the older they get. You have to give so much of yourself early on that it is incredibly consuming and for many (including me) dampens your outlook on life. But as they get older and can walk and talk, there's a richness they bring that is incomparable. They will always be your child but they can become a friend and companion as they get older. Hang in there

My wife felt exactly how you are describing.

She didn’t tell anyone and hid it away very well for about 2 years before she broke down. She was able to get help and is doing well now.

I’m not telling you this to scare you in anyway just because the comparison is remarkable, she was eventually diagnosed with post natal depression, and got help.

Before becoming pregnant it was a different story to yours though she did want children but thought she would never find someone so resigned herself to thinking she never would have children.

I have a similar background to you and felt this way sometimes when my DS was this age.

What improved things for me was having a sort of epiphany one day that I was still the same person. I was still me, I've just added a child to my life. I didn't have to take on this primary identity of MUM. It was okay to still want to do all the things I loved.

On maternity leave I never went to baby groups, I went to museums and cafes and brought DS along. I kept meeting friends for dinner and drinks in the evenings. I was lucky to have DH as a very equal parent and we both had time carved out for ourselves. I went back to work. I took childfree holidays.

There is so much pressure put on women to just give up their identity and become Mum, but you don't have to go along with it. I love my son more than anything, none of what I did had any negative impact on him, and we've always had a very close and lovely relationship.

So I guess my advice is to make sure you have enough time and space to just be yourself sometimes, as that will make it so much easier to get through the really boring bits. And yes it does get much easier when they get a bit older!

I really don’t know what to feel.. Maybe it is some form of PND, but the source of the problem is more further in the past.

I think the fact that growing up as a girl/teenager I never dreamed about having my own family, kids, how many, how I’m gonna name them.. That’s the killer. It was for other people. I was never a family/kids oriented person. And I knew exactly why.
It’s not like I wanted kids all my life and fantasied about how wonderful it will be and then reality struck me. No. I knew why I wasn’t too interested in having them… And now it feels like I’m looking at 20something me and she’s laughing in my face with a smile “ I told you!”

In the nicest way OP, neither I nor any of my friends grew up particularly wanting children. I’m not sure many girls grow up dreaming of children these days (but aware that could be influenced by my social circle). If you’d asked myself and my friends about children, it would have varied from ‘yes, maybe in the future’ to ‘not in a million years’. Most of us got to our late twenties or thirties, met people and felt the biological clock ticking. The experiences of parenting have been massively varied despite this.

Would you consider counselling? It might be helpful to talk through your past, your feelings around yourself and others and hopefully find some coping strategies.

All the best to you.