In need of honest advice

[KatieMam]

Sorry wasn’t sure where to post this…
I’m embarrassed to be writing this but I feel I am totally lost and need some direction.
I have two young children (age 2 and 5) who are, I think, unaware of how I’m feeling. They are generally happy kids but I’m very aware that I’m not doing the best I can with parenting.
I could write an essay on the past couple of years but basically in December 2019 I found out that my husband had been experiencing a kind of mental breakdown, had suicidal thoughts and had researched methods of suicide. Wrapped up in a newborn bubble and adjusting to being a mum of 2, I quite simply hadn’t noticed and thought we were going through a tricky patch. Unfortunately he had also begun an affair with a colleague. In the months that followed he had a suicide attempt while the children and me were in the house and there have been many, many bumps in the road on his way to recovery which have been very hurtful and frustrating. In the past 12 months he has shown quite dramatic changes including quitting alcohol, attending therapy, focusing on health and wellbeing etc. Bottom line is I am sticking with him and despite everything I love him and feel he has changed.
Throughout everything I left my teaching career due to unbearable stress and trying to keep some sort of routine for the kids. My husband worked throughout lockdown and anyone with young kids with empathise that it was just so hard on my own during that time.
Fast forward to today: I am on anti depressants/anxiety meds and I am very up and down week to week. I feel I need to start working again, or at least claw a bit of my life back. A few weeks ago, i made plans for my youngest to start nursery two days a week to give me a bit of a break. She is up between 5-6am every day without fail, the days are long, the tantrums are horrendous, everything from brushing teeth to eating at the table was a battle and my patience was wearing thin. However so far she hates nursery and is crying hysterically whenever i drop her off. My son is at school and very happy there. Unfortunately this week was the first ‘proper’ week of this new routine, I was looking forward to it, and they’ve both been off ill. So I’d say I’m probably having one of my ‘low’ days right now.
I am looking for part time jobs, so that I have a little ‘project’ of my own, but I am terrified I wont be able to do the simplest of tasks. My memory these days is horrendous and I get worried about the smallest things like taking the kids anywhere new, or even silly little tasks like collecting groceries. So not sure if work is going to make things worse or better.
In terms of my parenting, its lazy. The tv is on more than i can to admit. I find it hard to muster the energy to play as it always ends in tantrums or she gets bored after a few minutes.
Parents/in laws help is minimal and looks likely to remain that way.
I’m lost, I’m so disappointed that I’ve turned out to be this kind of parent (very snappy, lazy, over reliant on absolute rubbish on youtube that keeps them entertained). I’m devastated my gorgeous 5 year old has had this kind of early childhood. I feel I have the time to make things better for my two year old but I also feel like its going to be a mountain to climb for which I don’t have the strength or energy. any advice?

Sounds like you're doing the right thing re nursery and getting a bit of 'you' back. The job doesn't need to be anything fancy, just something for you, if you can afford it it could even be volunteering for the time being to get you back in the swing of things without the pressure. I'm also sure you'll find your memory etc will be just fine once you feel a bit more in control of life.

Hope none of that sounds patronising

T

bumping for you - can you find a parenting course? Talk to social services? Is your little dd really unhappy at nursery or does she settle once you’ve gone?

I think you've done the right thing with nursery, it can be a lot to get used to for them (and you!) but is worth it. I would actually say give yourself a few weeks off job hunting. Take some time to just be by yourself for a bit - you've been through more than most and if you take that bit of pressure away it might help. I would do things for you first, even if it's a walk or a trip to town or just something that isn't looking after someone! Then start looking for a job or some volunteering once you have a bit of a sense of you back.

I just wanted to send a hug. It sounds like you have been so strong and given so much of yourself and been brilliant - just what your kids need. 2 yr olds can be little horrors and don't get me started on husbands! Also the last 2 yrs has been THE WORST time to be a parent to small children while having a partner with MH issues.
Anyone who says their kids don't watch too much YouTube is either lieing or has a whole load of family and childcare support.
It also sounds like you are nearly through the worst and are doing exactly the right thing in getting your youngest to nursery and looking for something for yourself. Things will get better!
Maybe take up some physical activity to help with anxiety, lift your spirits and meet people. If you can't go in an evening there are sometimes mum and toddler fitness classes. Or just make sure you get out for a walk in daylight.
Good luck!

Sorry you’ve had such a tough time I think having a part time job will do you a world of good - I understand it’s daunting and you feel like your brain won’t cope but I think it would give your brain a bit of a ‘wake up’ actually and you’ll surprise yourself.
With nursery I would see how things go for a bit longer, but if it’s just not working out try and find a different one to suit you and your DC better. Mine was still with a childminder at age 2 - maybe a more ‘homey’ setting would suit her better?
As hard as it is - when you’re stuck in a rut the best thing to do it actively try and change things that you can. Some things we have no control over - but some things you don’t have to put up with, you just need to take the initial leap. Even if things don’t work out as you want you can still feel good about trying.

I would actually say give yourself a few weeks off job hunting. Take some time to just be by yourself for a bit - you've been through more than most and if you take that bit of pressure away it might help.

I know I said finding a job would help - but I also agree with the above 100%. Don’t let it add extra pressure - use that time when you’re DCs are out of the house to regenerate if you need that. Find some nice things to do for yourself.

Just wanted to say be kind to yourself KatieMam you've had such a stressful time and deserve me time. 2 yr olds are hard work persevere with nursery and take time out to sort your mental and physical well-being! Baby steps for now you've just lost your mojo keep going forward you've got this 💪xx

You are blaming yourself for everything but actually you have been an absolute rock for your children and they would be in a far, far, worse situation if you hadn't acted as you have.

You are absolutely right to keep going with nursery. In terms of yourself, take it slowly. It is ok to lie down in darkened room while your littlest is at nursery for a while. Maybe give yourself a deadline. After the deadline, use the time to do the most nourishing, regenerating things you can think of. In my case this would be art galleries and good books but you know yourself. NOT kicking about on your phone. Maybe give yourself 'holiday' dates to do this. Then if you want to look at working I think you'll be much more capable and refreshed. I'd also look at my decision about my H around then and make sure I still wanted to stick with the decision to stay.

You sound exhausted lovely - and no wonder. You’ve had small non sleeping children, lockdowns and all your husband’s issues to deal with, all at the same time.

Don’t beat yourself up about not being a perfect parent. You’ve not done anything awful. You can’t pour from an empty cup as they say.

I agree nursery is a good plan. If she really doesn’t settle then you can try another setting. Or maybe half days more often would work better?

Agree give yourself a few weeks of “me time” first before looking for work. Try to do some exercise, cook something new, run some errands you’ve not had a chance to do, meet a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Just little things. Doing these things will help you feel more competent - it’s easy for your world to shrink and to lose confidence when you’re at home with small kids.

Little steps but every little helps.