Guilty feeling for not giving 9 year old a sibling

[AshK143]

Hi mums out there, newbie to this…
I feel really guilty at times because I haven’t given my son a sibling. My partner and I have seen financial hardship throughout the last decade which has always made us put off having second child. Now my son is 9 and currently my relationship with my partner has slightly gone a bit astray. We’ve led such a tight ship but now I feel we are not on the same boat anymore. Needless to say that I do still believe in our marriage but needs time and effort. I do still love my partner. But I feel because of this I don’t want to commit to having a second child. I feel like i need to work on the marriage and myself, which then should lead me to being confident and happily wanting to have my next child god willing. But this I know will take time and therefore prolong the idea of having another child and my son will get older. I then feel bad that there will be quite an age gap between the two.
Sorry for all the waffling and I know I probably am making no sense! Any words of advise would be great though x

Your baby needs his parents and his mum in a happy place more than he needs a sibling, promise . You’re right to focus on those things first x

I have a 3 year gap and DD1 spent a year and half asking why we had DD2 and she want very happy about the change. With a 10 year gap, based on my own sibling experience, I doubt they will be close and you would spend the last couple of years before your first child was a teenager and wanting to spend time less with you in a newborn and toddler fog trying to deal with very different needs. At this point having a sibling would be about you and not your child, which is fine but you will need to consider the impact of crying baby on GCSEs

You are focussing on the child you have and making sure his needs are met. That's the right thing to do. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I then feel bad that there will be quite an age gap between the two

If you had another one now there would be a 10 year age gap. To be honest I'd doubt very much that your DS is as keen for a sibling as you think he is. Does he ever say that he wants a baby in the family ? You might want one, and that's fine, but don't have one for your son who will be a teenager soon , and probably has his own life and friends .

@AshK143 - whatever else is going on in your life - never think a child is necessarily bereft because they don't have a sibling. Only children can be , and are, very very happy , lots of friends , outgoing etc. Clearly your choice, but don't feel guilty that eldest DC does not have a brother or sister. - Just a thought .

Since there’s already an age gap, they’ve missed the sibling playmate experience anyway.

Truly the biggest help a sibling will be is for the parent’s old-age care so perhaps the money you would have used for a sibling is better saved for this purpose.

Sounds cold but there you go.

Even if you had a baby right now there would be a 10 year age gap between your two children, so they wouldn’t be close anyway. If you want another baby for you then do, but if the sole reason is to give your son a sibling then I wouldn’t do it.

Thank you all for responding so quick. Feels good to be heard. Currently my son has never said or wanted a sibling, so I guess he is happy where is he now. He is a bright boy, outgoing and very confident, so it gives me some reassurance. I guess this inner guilt does get the best of me. I want to believe that if and whenever I want another child, it’ll be special as my son will be more understanding and probably help and care more. As I have seen him around his baby cousin. He adores her and plays with her. I firmly believe that it should always feel right when deciding to have a child. At the moment the thought of another child just worries me more than anything. I should focus on healing the present so I can then actually be excited for that next step. Thanks all for the reassurances.

@EmmaInParis such kind words! Thank you 🙏🏽 x

You sound like you are doing the right thing. I have 4, my eldest 19 always says she wishes she was an only or 1 sib max

@BasiliskStare thank you. You are right, kids are happiest with their friends. It is a decision that impacts me and not necessarily my son.

@lifecoachingandotherbollocks haha! I’ve seen this with my brothers 4 children. Eldest is 14 youngest is 3, so there’s a lot of commotion

@DeadButDelicious thank you for the kind words. It makes so much sense what you say. My son is getting the best of me as a parent and all the focus is on him. I don’t think he feels left out as I have always tried pull the stops in ensuring he’s had support and love from me his family and friends around him. Thank you!

It's just another form of parental guilt, don't beat yourself up, you've not let your son down

I work in a school.

Yesterday I followed a group of year 7s up the staircase and listened in to their conversation as it was very animated.

One girl had just been told by her mum that she was pregnant ( mum was) and they were all incredulous that such a thing could ever happen and why - what was the point !

I had to smile as I thought about my own daughter at a very similar age being told the same thing and I wondered if she told her friends in the same way.

There is a 10 year age gap between my eldest and youngest. They don’t have a super close relationship, they are at very different stages in their lives.

Just do what feels right for you x

Already 9 and never expressed desire for a sibling? I honestly think he'd rather have a puppy as a companion/playmate and the benefit of some of the cash you'd be spending on a baby, than a little kid wanting him to play while he's trying to revise for his big exams. (Only child with an only child here).