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Original poster

MIL goes out on the afternoon they look after DC

23 replies

Marblelosing · 06/10/2021 19:58

MIL has a habit of going out with friends on the one afternoon they look after DC2. I've said that she can go to nursery on this one afternoon a week (we get free childcare hours) but ILs have wanted to continue this afternoon.

MIL goes out and leaves her with FIL who is lovely, but is in his early 70s and I feel much more comfortable when they are both looking after her together. I've voiced my annoyance and concerns to DH but it's fallen on deaf ears and he doesn't see the problem.

The only reason we know is because our eldest child has informed us this evening that Granny is going out for the day and so won't see DC2 tomorrow. They haven't told us.

It's fine if they don't want to continue their afternoons with her, but why continue and then make other plans when there are other afternoons in the week? MIL even specified Thursday as her preferred day so it just seems ridiculous that she makes other plans regularly on this one day.

AIBU?

OP posts:

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Hungry675tf · 06/10/2021 20:01

No YANBU. its the lack if communication thats the issue.

Thank them for their help and tell them you're increasing their formal childcare hours in readyness for school.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 06/10/2021 20:02

That’s odd. Have you asked her why she wants to continue the arrangement if she’s so busy?

DollyPartBaked · 06/10/2021 20:03

Sooo many threads at the moment like this.

The answer is: if it's not working for you (and it sounds like it isn't) pay for childcare and stop relying on your ILs

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LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 06/10/2021 20:05

I wouldn’t be super happy with that either, because (1) why ask for that day if she knows she won’t be there? and (2) why haven’t they mentioned it to you?

And possibly (3) is he really keeping a proper eye on her/keeping up with her? — but that depends a bit on how old your dd is, I guess.

So really I’m just echoing your thoughts about it I guess, but yanbu anyway.

FadedRed · 06/10/2021 20:07

My DH is in ‘early 70’s’ and is more than capable of childcare. Is your objections based solely on ageism or do you not think men capable of child care?

LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 06/10/2021 20:07

@DollyPartBaked

Sooo many threads at the moment like this.

The answer is: if it's not working for you (and it sounds like it isn't) pay for childcare and stop relying on your ILs

The OP is only doing it because ILs want it, she’s not relying on them to avoid paying. She has offered to put her dd in nursery instead.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2021 20:09

This wouldn't work from me at all. It's flaky, irresponsible, and the lack of transparency would bother me. Make arrangements for nursery.

TillyDevon · 06/10/2021 20:09

I would so happily leave our dc with my dad who’s in his 70s, unless he’s not able to look after them in some way I wouldn’t be worried and would be glad for the time they have together? Of course would depend on what sort of things he’d do with them but my dad certainly gives them an amazing time and introduces them to really interesting things he knows a lot about eg culture, history and they love it

HaraldoIII · 06/10/2021 20:11

Seems really weird she insists on it when she's not even in. I thought you were going to say she takes DC out with her which is fine but yeah, I would be baffled and would have to ask her why.

Ozanj · 06/10/2021 20:14

I wouldn’t assume a man in his early 70s is incapable of childcare. Dad is almost 70, has well managed heart issues, and can still run around after my toddler.

gamerchick · 06/10/2021 20:16

@FadedRed

My DH is in ‘early 70’s’ and is more than capable of childcare. Is your objections based solely on ageism or do you not think men capable of child care?

Not everyone in their 70s is up to it and you know it.

OP just increase the nursery hours, no moree negotiations. Sounds to me she wants her bloke occupied for some reason.

AnOldCynic · 06/10/2021 20:18

So basically she can say to all and sundry "Yes, we look after DC2 every week".

When actually SHE doesn't, FIL does.

Original poster

Marblelosing · 06/10/2021 20:28

FIL spends an awful lot of time glued to his phone, so yes it does bother me when MIL leaves him alone with the childcare. Similarly, I wouldn't want MIL to be left on her own with her either as she is easily sidelined and gets carried away with doing other things. But I've always felt ok when they're doing it together, since lockdowns have eased though I think MIL is making up for lost time and just wants to be out.

That's fine if they could just communicate it and we would arrange alternative childcare. FIL absolutely loves having her, but tires easily and will reach for his phone. FIL will also prepare lunch, take her to the toilet etc, MIL goes disinterested once they're not babies anymore.

OP posts:

alexdgr8 · 06/10/2021 21:31

just do what suits you.
don't ask them, inform them that you are now sending her to nursery on that afternoon.
don't discuss it. don't try to justify. don't argue.
be pleasant. thank them for all the help they have given,
and move on.

YRGAM · 06/10/2021 21:35

@FadedRed

My DH is in ‘early 70’s’ and is more than capable of childcare. Is your objections based solely on ageism or do you not think men capable of child care?

Sounds like it's both to be honest. That OP is pretty offensive

Justmuddlingalong · 06/10/2021 21:39

I would make alternative arrangements and let them know after it was all sorted. Communication is obviously not high on their agenda, so I wouldn't think twice about making the change to more reliable childcare.

Chloemol · 06/10/2021 21:41

YANBU. I would just move her into childcare

TrainforSpeed · 06/10/2021 21:43

My Dad was my childminder when DC were young and it was lovely. They still have a really good bond. Dad is late 70s now but I'd still happily leave a small child with him. That would depend on the health of the 70yo though.

I wonder why they don't tell you?

Viviennemary · 06/10/2021 21:46

You sound extremely ungrateful. Pay for childcare if you're not happy with the free care. Talk about entitled.

girlmom21 · 06/10/2021 21:46

If you don't trust them to provide sufficient care for your child put her into childcare. Don't let them call the shots.

girlmom21 · 06/10/2021 21:48

@Viviennemary

You sound extremely ungrateful. Pay for childcare if you're not happy with the free care. Talk about entitled.

I don't see how it's entitled to be upset that the child isn't being given the attention they require when the grandparents have specifically insisted on providing childcare on that day. They've asked for the child and MIL is going out. It's not entitled to expect them to be there.

HeronLanyon · 06/10/2021 22:05

What alex said 100%.
Good luck op. Avoid conflict.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 06/10/2021 22:18

@alexdgr8

just do what suits you. don't ask them, inform them that you are now sending her to nursery on that afternoon. don't discuss it. don't try to justify. don't argue. be pleasant. thank them for all the help they have given, and move on.

Agree with all of this. No need for it to be a big deal, just say you think DC would benefit from more time at nursery, and thank them for their help but you don’t need the regular childcare any more.

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