Advice on how to help my girlfriends daughter accept me

[Wilson86]

Can I first say that my girlfriend has two wonderful, bright, intelligent girls that, if I am lucky, will one day become my friends.

I was wondering if somebody could offer me some advice?

I have been with my girlfriend for about 18 months now. She Split with her partner (and now ex-husband) about three years ago.

We have been very careful that we did not introduce me too soon into the mix so that the girls did not get upset.

About 6 months ago, we followed advice and I 'bumped' into my g/f whilst she was out with the girls and I gradually spent more time with them, going on trips and having coffee and dinner with them at home. At this point I was just a friend.

I got on well with the youngest and fairly well with the oldest (14 ) because she was very shy. All was going well until the children were told that I had started to 'see' their Mum. The youngest daughter was fine but the oldest stopped talking to me and ignore me when I said hello or goodbye.

She then started to well up if she was told that I was going somewhere with them or going around to the house. When her Mum tried to talk to her, she got upset and would cry but couldn't put into words how she was feeling.

So we have decided that I will not spend time with them for now to allow them time to adjust to me.

I am not expecting there to be a magic fix but I was wondering if anybody could advise me on what they did to help their children come to terms with a new partner.

Thank you

It sounds like she's struggling with the idea of her mum moving on. It's less to do with you as a person and just a grieving period for the old family life she's realised has now definitely come to and end and won't be returning. It sounds like you've been really respectful and wonderful to them so I think if you just wait it out and give her room to process her feelings she will come round in her own time. Best of luck

Thank you. That means a lot

It sounds like you're doing it all right. Having been the child in this position, however lovely your parent's new partner is - as pp says, it brings back the grieving for the family you had and affirms that there's no chance of it coming back. And you now have a stranger with whom you have to share your time with your parent, so family time now involves someone you don't feel safe and relaxed around, and who will want a say in how your family life is. And your loyalties are now split between your parent with the new partner, and the other parent who may very well be resentful and anxious about the new partner and cueing you to please not look like you like them too much. And fears about what if they move in, if my home is no longer familiar old us but now is the home of this new person and new relationship that I'm inconvenient baggage in. Honestly, I remember talking with my siblings and joking miserably that there ought to be a way of having kids put down like unwanted pets when their parents want new lives and new starts with new partners.

It's very hard. Time and just taking the time to be a friend, and not rushing it and showing awareness that it's complicated really helps. Letting them have their parent to themselves sometimes really helps - my stepfather was and still is very thoughtful about that, and I've always deeply appreciated it. It can also help to have in mind: older kids may never be up for seeing you in a step parent role and will prefer to have their two separated parents as their family, and have a friendship with you as their parent's partner. Some children will want to put you into a parent role and for you to be involved with them, but others may not, and that's something to figure out over time.