Worried baby doesn’t have secure attachment

[Arena5]

This could be sensitivity but I’m really worried my daughter (1 year old) might not have a secure attachment to me. I’ve recently gone back to work (3 days). One day she is with my parents, one day at my partner’s parents and one day at nursery.

So basically she is always really so happy to see her grandparents when they arrive.
She smiles and reaches out to them. However when they bring her back she has a pretty lukewarm reaction for me and it’s the same with her dad tbf. At nursery she’s very happy to lean out and be held by her nursery worker when we arrive (at a short time) of being there but again seems pretty nonchalant when we arrive. At nursery and on play dates with me she is very shy of other babies and wants to stay close by. And I read sometimes that be a sign of secure attachment. However she’s fine with adults and older children.

In terms of parenting I am confident we respond to her basic needs promptly and consistently and then on an emotional level we spend lots of time engaging with her one on one through playing, reading and singing. She also has time to explore and play independently. Generally when with us she laughs and seems a happy baby in our company. But I’m just concerned she doesn’t seem to display the usual signs of secure attachment from googling the topic.

Unless you are leaving out some massive details ("I was in hospital for the first 3 months of my babies life and she never got to cuddle me until I was out") then she will have a secure attachment. Babies are hard wired to seek an attachment so if you were there and meeting her emotional and physical needs, she will be attached. A secure attachment isn't the preserve of the perfectly adjusted, optimally reared child. It's a basic level of human connection. Things have to go quite badly wrong in the first year of a child's life for it not to have a secure attachment.

To me,it sounds like textbook example of secure attachment. You are getting a lukewarm reaction as she sees you and her DF as constant, consistent people in her life so when you arrive she isn't relieved to see you. She is happy and confident that you will return so it's not a big deal to her. Time is abstract to small children so you being gone for 5hours or just 1 doesn't make a difference. I'm itching at the end of the day to see my toddler but it's like I only popped to the loo judging from his reaction now he is settled in creche.
You are doing loads to make her feel loved so I wouldn't worry.

I’m not an expert on any of this. But I do think that 4 setting and 4 sets of carers every week is quite a lot for a one year old.

@UpshittsCreek

To me,it sounds like textbook example of secure attachment. You are getting a lukewarm reaction as she sees you and her DF as constant, consistent people in her life so when you arrive she isn't relieved to see you. She is happy and confident that you will return so it's not a big deal to her. Time is abstract to small children so you being gone for 5hours or just 1 doesn't make a difference. I'm itching at the end of the day to see my toddler but it's like I only popped to the loo judging from his reaction now he is settled in creche. You are doing loads to make her feel loved so I wouldn't worry.

This, exactly, she is showing all the signs of a secure attachment, she doesn't need to seek reassurance from you as she is securely attached!

You are getting a lukewarm reaction as she sees you and her DF as constant, consistent people in her life Exactly.

Some of my GC were with one grandma one day, nursery another and me another 2 - it certainly does not seem to have done them any harm at all. They are jolly and confident children.

My daughter used to be quite frosty with me when I picked her up from nursery when she was younger..I don’t know if she was maybe actually annoyed that I’d left her! It would take an hour or two for her to ‘warm up’ after getting home...now she’s older (20 mths) she runs and hugs me when I come to get her so it could be a developmental thing. I think they can store up stress from the day and kind offload it when they’re around a comfortable familiar presence. Kind of like how we would put on a brave face at work but then be grumpy or burst into tears when we get home to husband if we’ve had a bad day! Either way I think it’s a sign of a secure attachment :)

I got a lukewarm reaction from both of mine when returning home from work after dad looking after them all day. They just looked at me. Now my 3 year old still just looks at me, difference is he now says 'I've missed you mummy today'. 19 month just looks at me and so I pick him up and give him a cuddle. It's so much nicer this way as you know your kids are happy when you're not there and not crying out for you. I'm sure you have a secure attachment as shown when you are in unfamiliar situations and he sees you as a secure base.