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non-sexist parenting

13 replies

RobynNora · 02/10/2021 21:26

Does anyone have any resources for non-sexist parenting of children? For instance, books, videos or social media accounts to follow e.g. parenting beyond pink and blue.

I have a boy and am interested in learning more about this subject. I'm a feminist and still think I've got work to do. I'm not interested in books aimed at children, but those aimed at me!

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Wagglerock · 02/10/2021 23:21

I like Sonshine magazine - it's a magazine (obviously) and loads of good content on Instagram.

johnd2 · 02/10/2021 23:25

Yes I'd also be interested in this, at the moment we are trying to keep each other right (and not correcting all the people in the street who assume he's a girl!) But at 2 years he loves diggers, buses, bin lorries, tools and all the other stereo typical bit things.
I think a lot of it is your own preconceptions and feelings peeping through. I find it's helpful to say things out loud like "if you get married, he or she will...(whatever)" and once you start building in habits like that it can help bust things you are not comfortable with also.
Good luck!

johnd2 · 02/10/2021 23:26

Oh and i should have mentioned we try to chuck out unsuitable books which seems to be most traditional ones but where do you stop, even Thomas the tank engine has a supporting cast of female carriages...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

raingoawaytoday · 02/10/2021 23:33

Surely it's your approach and language? Today my DS said he wanted to look at the boys toys in the toy shop, I said there are just toys not boys and girls toys although the toy shop and a lot of manufacturers don't think so. The thing is there is some natural gravitation towards certain types of toys for each sex, but in part of it's to do with exposure and parent bias.

But as a try to be neutral parent with one DS and one DD, they share many interests, such as being outside, scooters, painting, but my DS loves cars and my DD loves doll and figures. DS throws away the figure and just has the vehicle. My DD loves Marshall from
paw patrol and makes up little stories with the figures. It gets a lot harder to be neutral as they grow.

I never dressed my DS in blue and now he will only wear blue. I did after doing all the scandi brights start putting DD in pastels as the bright stuff just didn't suit her like it did DS. I'd say just be open minded on it.

RobynNora · 02/10/2021 23:58

@Wagglerock - thank you! What a brilliant resource. This is exactly what I was after. The writing is great too - bonus.

@johnd2 - yes v. true. mine is still little but I find myself using mildly sexist language all the time and pointing out other little boys (‘bigger boys’) for him to look at! I read research that says most ingrained sexist starts before 3 so I need to nip it in the bud. I’m actually really good for not using heteronormative language as my parents were great for not doing this this with me and were always careful to say I might fall in love with a man or woman.

@raingoawaytoday yes, good advice. Pragmatism definitely needed. I wrote this post for help as I was feeling that maybe society is so patriarchal that realistically the best we can do is help them to be less sexist? Like you say, we can insist that toys are not gendered but i guess it’s our word against all the messaging of expensive marketing campaigns that say otherwise!

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GemmaRuby · 04/10/2021 09:42

Following with interest, I also have a DS.

Do you have a partner? If so I think one of the most important things is how your partner behaves. E.g. in our house it’s not just me that does nappies, cooking, cleaning etc - DS sees his dad doing these things too. I think that’s important too.

BertieBotts · 04/10/2021 09:51

Blue Brain, Pink Brain is a good book. Although I haven't finished reading it Blush

RobynNora · 04/10/2021 09:56

@GemmaRuby I do and couldn’t agree more.

@BertieBotts great to know. I was deliberating o about whether to get this - I’ll buy it now.

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sar302 · 04/10/2021 10:10

I find this really interesting. DS4.

When he was little, we made sure that he had a variety of toys - as well as blocks and trains, he had a kitchen, dolls etc.

We kept his hair shoulder length for ages (not because of any particular gender statement, but because it was freaking gorgeous!) Clothes wise, he wore a lot of Bonds and JL, always very colourful. He chose a pair of silver sparkly shoes age 2.5, which we bought for him.

Books and tv shows very gender neutral.

But at nearly 4, he's interested in dinosaurs, trains, trucks, fireman Sam and paw patrol. He asked to cut his hair over the summer (which we did). His clothes are a lot more boyish now he chooses to an extent.

I find it fascinating!

What we have going for us is his dad is very hands on. He knows his dad wipes his bum as well as mum! Dad cooks. Dad does bath and bed etc. Both mum and dad work (well, I study at the moment, but we call it work.)

We gently correct him if he says things like "fireman penny." He told me the other day that only girls wash their hands after the toilet 🤨 so that was corrected!

But there is definitely a "boys do this, girls do this" mindset. And at this age it's not surprising as they're trying to get to grips with the world around them. They categorise things - everyone does. But you can see how easily it would continue.

He said he would like a dolls house the other day, and I found myself looking at lego house kits, to somehow make it more... acceptable? And had to give myself a shake.

Interesting to see other people finding themselves in the same situation.

LuchiMangsho · 04/10/2021 10:11

Seconding those who say it's all about modelling as well. DH is a truly hands on partner and so for our boys there isn't a 'mom' thing or a 'dad' thing in that sense. They see their dad cooking and cleaning and doing as much related to say school stuff, or Halloween (we live in the US although I'm British) etc so that really helps with setting gender roles and stereotypes.

BertieBotts · 04/10/2021 12:25

Also something I picked up from positive parenting/unconditional parenting rather than feminist stuff but instead of saying "Good boy/girl" I replaced that with "Thank you for..." (helping me, holding my hand, crossing the road nicely, tidying up, etc)

It's great because it means you're giving authentic, specific praise (which is more effective than generic stuff like good job / good boy / etc) but also you avoid a gendered marker! And it's fricking adorable when they repeat it back to you.

I can't cope with good girl/boy now, it makes me feel like I'm talking to a dog :o

BertieBotts · 04/10/2021 12:34

I have a 13yo and a 3yo so have been through the stage where they want everything very gendered. DS1 has come through that now but agree it is VERY strong at 4, probably strongest during the primary school years. DS2 isn't there yet. He is equally attracted to pink sparkly unicorn things as he is orange robot things. Those were the two bikes that he was looking at last weekend and DH ended up steering him towards the robot one. Not because we would have been unhappy to buy him a unicorn bike, but because the tyres looked more robust on the "boys'" one, and we know he'll enter that stage in the next 12-18 months and we didn't want him to reject a bike that we'd chosen to last. It's annoying in a sense, because of course doing that just reinforces the stereotype.

RobynNora · 04/10/2021 16:31

Love that tip @BertieBotts. I’m guilty of ‘good boy’ and hate it but can never think of anything else to say

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