14-month-old struggling with missing mum

[TheUmpire]

Eight days ago the other half gave birth to our second child. The first four days weren't easy for our eldest because her mum's attention was diverted, and every time newborn cried the 14-month old freaked out, but then newborn and mother had to go into hospital and are still there. Four days now, and each day the 14-month-old gets worse. She's not eating (even her fav things) and crying more and more. I took her to the hospital to visit, but she hates that place (from ongoing painful appointments) and, already crying, she totally freaked out when the new baby cried, so we had to leave. I took her to baby gym today - which she loves - but wailed the entire time and ran to the door, so I took her home. Three things: I'm worried that once mum comes home she will be 100% into the new baby (because she will need attention); I'm already getting that feeling, as mum doesn't acknowledge the eldest much in our messages. Secondly, I'm not sure how to make her feel better now (she doesn't understand "everything will be okay"). Thirdly, I know she will freak out when newborn is home and cries. How do I stop that? Thanks.

I don't think you can "stop" it. The best you can do is provide her with as much nurture as you can. Lots of cuddles sympathy, positive attention.
If she isn't eating much, would she take milk from a sippy cup or even a bottle. Look for opportunities to "baby" her as she may regress a little.

Lots of cuddles and reassurance for now, show her pictures of Mummy and talk about how she is in hospital with baby and will be home soon.
A good tip I read on here is to call the baby "your baby" to the older sibling. Give her lots of hugs and love when baby cries and say "oh, your baby is crying! Let's give her a bottle" which can turn into you asking the toddler if baby needs a bottle and makes her involved. Teach her to bring you the wipes and to give baby a gentle kiss etc.
Have lots of time with baby so that toddler gets a lot of time with Mummy.

I had a very similar gap and it is hard but has its advantages.

Read these books:

Siblings without rivalry, Faber & Mazlish
The Second Baby Book, Sarah Ockwell-Smith

Both have very good guidance as to how to approach this and the following months/years even with a very young child with limited understanding.

Mine have the same age gap and tbh I found the eldest too young to really understand what was going on. She wasn't bothered by the new baby and I just tried to focus as much as my attention on her at the beginning so she knew she wasn't second even though she didn't seem fazed. It sounds as though your dd is much more aware of everything so may be try to include her in everything as much as possible. does she have a baby doll she can copy what you're doing with the new baby?

Their best pals now though

"If she isn't eating much, would she take milk from a sippy cup or even a bottle" Yeah, doing that - glad you endorsed it, thanks.

"A good tip I read on here is to call the baby "your baby" to the older sibling" Sounds good, thanks.

"Read these books" Will do, cheers.

"does she have a baby doll" Yes, she doesn't play with it just yet but that's a good idea, cheers.

You could try modelling looking after the doll baby with her. "Oh my baby is crying, perhaps she needs a cuddle/feed etc" Let her see that you aren't phased by a pretend baby but are in control, can meet baby's needs etc. Then she might be less stressed when real baby cries!
I have friends who had one daughter under a year when they also had twins. The only thing they could really do that she would understand was modeling stroking the babies and saying things like "ah, baby gentle"). Try modelling that with the doll before real baby comes home and also with her "ah, "name" gentle" as she is till really a baby too.
Could you arrange with mum that you visit the hospital but rather than take your daughter in to see the baby, mum comes out to day room or whatever and plays with her for half an hour. ( take a few toys in a bag) Mum needs to try and communicate that she hasn't abandoned her.

You can acknowledge how she must be feeling 'It's realy hard that mummy is gone, you'd love her to be here. She will be back.' so important that her mum gives her 'special time' just the two of them, regularly, once she's home and baby her a bit if she wants that.

I’ve read that it’s better to say “it’s really hard that mummy’s away, I miss her too, it’s ok to be sad” than to say “it will be ok”, even though that’s our instinct - acknowledge the feelings. Your OH is in hosp and either she or baby is sick so she has loads on her mind plus all the hormones, bleeding etc - I wouldn’t read too much into her text messages right now! One thing I saw suggested for when they return is a box of special toys/books etc for eldest that only come out when Mum is feeding/attending to newborn.

Thanks for the advice everyone, much appreciated. Will definitely take on board and use.

Maybe talk to your partner about how your daughter is being, you say she isn't acknowledging her much in messages. Maybe her mum calling her etc will help? I've just had my second and I've found popping baby in a bouncer and having us play round him so baby is "joining in" has worked really well. Then if the baby cries we sort "together". I also find feeding one and cuddling the other at the same time is rather nice. 14 months is only little but she'll be fine with lots of attention and cuddles from both of you. The second one in our house is so very loved, safely in a bouncer or pram watching everything from the sidelines!

I had a baby two weeks ago, my firstborn is almost 14 months and he used to cry at first when baby cried, I felt mega guilty at first but it was all over in two days. I just say “oh your baby is being noisy” in a positive voice, give lots of attention to him. I do talk to him about what I’m doing with the baby but honestly now he is totally not bothered about her. Think he’s realised she’s not going back where she came from.
When they’re young it takes less time for them to adapt these situations. I can tel you that they will grow up the best of friends.
I’m yet to buy a baby for DS it was my plan but I don’t think he’ll be bothered about playing with it just yet.

Make as much fuss of you DD as you can, when visitors come to see baby make sure to ask that they give DD plenty of attention too so she doesn’t feel left out.

All the best, I hope you’re all reunited soon.