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Parenting

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Original poster

Do I let my ex have my son??

23 replies

Bizziee · 29/09/2021 21:54

I'm so desperate for some advice. My ex is a total narcissistic, delusional nightmare and if I could cut him out for good, I would.

We've been arguing for a few weeks now about him wanting to take our not yet two year old son abroad. I have said no as I do not trust him to keep my son safe and he won't give me any details on where he is going. He also wants to take him for 8 days which means I will completely miss my sons seconds birthday and it will be the longest he has ever been away from me. The thought of it literally makes me feel sick and I am beside myself with worry. He's now changed his tune though and says he's just going to stay with family but I don't believe him. He didn't pay maintenance because he said it went on holiday and in the past this man has lied to me about his age, huge amounts of money, what his family does, told me his dad was dead when he isn't, taken out credit cards in my name and so much more. I just don't know what to do. In a perfect world my son would never have to see this man again and I could go about my life without all this stress and worry. It is killing me He sees my son on his terms and sometimes doesn't see him at all for a whole month. Doesn't always pay maintenance, threatens me and speaks to me like shit. I have now got on to CMS and will be looking for legal advice but has anyone else had to deal with the ex from hell and have any advice on how to deal with it? I'm so depressed and fed up with him now I just don't even want to have to talk to him ever again

OP posts:

samwitwicky · 29/09/2021 21:55

He isn't telling you exactly where he's taking him. So no.

Polly271220 · 29/09/2021 21:56

Do NOT let him take your son!

audweb · 29/09/2021 21:56

No I wouldn’t let him with that level of contact and I would get legal advice about steps to make sure he didn’t leave the country with him.

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OppsUpsSide · 29/09/2021 21:58

Definite NO

Spongeboob · 29/09/2021 21:58

Do you have your son's passport? Is there a CAO in place? If yes and no he can't just take him anywhere.

Original poster

Bizziee · 29/09/2021 22:00

So can I really just not hand my son over? If and when this does go to court will that not look badly on me for not letting him spend time with his son? I have already warned him that I will call the police if he takes him out of the country but I don't think he really cares or understands the magnitude of doing so without my consent

OP posts:

ThePoint678 · 29/09/2021 22:00

I would have thought that at the age your son is the courts would have determined it wouldn’t be in the best interests of the child to go to an unfamiliar setting with a non primary caregiver for that length of time. Do you have court ordered contact arrangements in place? I’d be saying no to that request.

ThePoint678 · 29/09/2021 22:01

He is not yet two! Short regular visits is reasonable, not an overseas trip!

Original poster

Bizziee · 29/09/2021 22:02

@Spongeboob I don't have his passport yet no. I applied for it as soon as he started asking for his birth certificate but as it's his first I couldn't fast track and I'm worried he applied before me. We don't have any arrangements in place yet either but I will be getting one

OP posts:

gonnabeok · 29/09/2021 22:03

If you think there is a risk to safety or emotional wellbeing of your son and there is no child order you are within your rights to not let him have your son. If he has a history of lies and manipulation you would be right to be concerned. If you stop contact then he will have to apply to the court for a child contact order and go through that process.

WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo · 29/09/2021 22:04

Do you have passport for him? Yes or no. If the answer is no - your ex might have applied for one.

Do you have a contact arrangements order? Do you have an agreement in writing?

You can say ‘I have a concern given your recent comments that you are planning to take him abroad.
Our son is under 2 and should not leave him mother for long periods eg should be eow and I’m not comfortable about overnight access etc and see what he says

Your word and allegations is not evidence

Original poster

Bizziee · 29/09/2021 22:10

@WishingYouAMerryChristmasToo I don't yet have his passport and I don't know if he has one yet either. We do have an agreement that was written by his solicitor but he has never ever followed it. I have kept logs of when he has our son for the past year and I also have years and years of text messages of his abuse and him telling me he's taking my son on holiday. I have tried to talk to him calmly and expressed my concerns but he just gaslights me every time and gives me abuse

OP posts:

Hapoydayz · 29/09/2021 22:15

First off don't worry about what the courts would think. It is not reasonable what he's demanding. Has he ever had more than a night or so with your son? It's not in your sons best interests to be away from you for so long which is what the court will say. Keep saying no as courts are backlogged and he won't get a date for ages. You can do this, be strong, don't listen to his gaslighting. I'm assuming there is no CAO in place already as it would stipulate whether he could do this or not already.

Original poster

Bizziee · 29/09/2021 22:21

@Hapoydayz thank you. I'm just so scared that if I do go ahead and just stop my son from seeing him it will all eventually backfire and blow up in my face. I don't want my son spending anymore time with him than he already does. He does have overnights with him and our own agreement is Sunday to Tuesday but this chops and changes all the time and usually last minute He has never been consistent. He even lied about having covid to get out of seeing him a short while back. We don't have a CAO in place but that is what I'm now aiming for as he's just impossible. I've tried so hard for the sake of my son but it doesn't seem worth it anymore, he would be better off without him

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/09/2021 22:21

Which country does his family live in?

I'm honestly concerned that he may not return him.

sjxoxo · 29/09/2021 22:23

Agree with all pp, definitely a massive fat NO. Xo

Original poster

Bizziee · 29/09/2021 22:28

@RandomMess we're both from the UK so I'm not massively concerned he won't bring him back, just that he won't be looked after properly. He let my boy get sunburned quite badly when he was 5 months old, twice. Even after much nagging to keep him shaded and use sun cream he's the kind of dad to just sit back and let him do what he wants or expect other people to look after him. He has been known to leave him with family members while he went out drinking too. Every time I get him back he has an upset tummy for days, doesn't eat properly and his bedtime routine completely goes out the window

OP posts:

Hapoydayz · 29/09/2021 22:30

Prior to court mediation is expected as the first step. Say no to his unreasonable demand but also offer that you would like to go through mediation so he can't bully you and also will look good for court. There's no way he will be able to take him out the country as it would also be considered reasonable that there is a pandemic and to much uncertainty at the moment on red/amber/Green countries and Pcr requirements. Keep saying no. Maybe speak to women's aid or dash for their advice

Original poster

Bizziee · 29/09/2021 22:36

Thank you so much I really do appreciate everyone's replies. Every time I have to deal with this man I get so worked up and upset, he's absolutely vile. I'm definitely going to go down the legal route going forward though but just needed some genuine advice and I do feel so much better now so thank you. Going to get on women's aid right away too I'll take all the advice I can get XXXX

OP posts:

rawhidebone · 29/09/2021 22:41

When I put zero tolerance boundaries in with my ex he just fucked off because he evidently couldn't be bothered with the hassle of having basic parenting standards. And I still believe that this was in my DC's best interests.

Whathefisgoingon · 29/09/2021 22:45

100% no

Original poster

Bizziee · 29/09/2021 22:49

@rawhidebone my god I WIIIIIIISH he would just give up and not bother!!! That would literally make me so happy and do the whole world a favour

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 29/09/2021 22:53

This must be unbelievably stressful. Let him take you to court. You'll have texts to prove you asked for details of his travel plans and he refused to provide them.

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