How to make the most of childhood

[justabigdisco]

Looking for some advice/insights from other parents. I’ve got 2 daughters, primary age. Both involved in various activities/after school clubs both in the week and at the weekend (as kids these ages seem to be). I work part time out of the home in a fairly high pressure job which includes some evening/weekend on calls. My husband is full time in a similar job - just for background.

At the moment I have this constant sense of their childhoods slipping away from me. Reading all the ‘dropping off at Uni’ threads/articles haven’t helped. I’m worried that they will leave home in a few years and I will regret not making the most of their childhoods - but I don’t know what to do about it.

I feel like I don’t do enough with them as I’m always busy pottering round the house / working / scrolling on my phone / generally Doing Stuff.

They have lots of lovely books which I don’t read with them, magazine subscriptions full of wholesome activities which get flicked through but not actually done. We do family stuff at weekends but it’s generally visiting family/friends.

I envisioned myself doing stuff like nature walks, stargazing, cooking together etc but I just can’t seem to find the time inclination

How can I get out of this rut? We are so busy already. I really really don’t want to look back and think ‘I wish I’d done more’ - I already think that about the toddler years when I see other mums with their little ones.

Would really appreciate advice/understanding from others who have felt this way.

I’ve just had DD so DS and I have a night together each week just us. We do a different activity each time like swimming, walking, forest walk, cinema etc and it helps us both have quality time together as it’s pencilled in. I also don’t look at my phone for ‘time wasting’ stuff- (I actually have mumsnet/Instagram etc type apps in a folder named that) when the DC’s are about / might need me.
Personally I think it’s just about relisting your priorities and then sticking to them, and sticking to it is easy when you’re having fun.
Good luck.

I like that idea. Not sure how we’d fit it in mind you!

Oh gosh, I feel exactly the same. I adore my DC, but I often find in the evening that I'm tired and craving a little time alone, so I end up scrolling through my phone instead of playing with them, etc...and then I regret it.

The thing that has helped us is to actually schedule time together and write it in the diary. So every weekend for example, I cook with my DC (one at a time, otherwise it's a bit hectic). We choose a recipe together, I get the ingredients. Come Saturday, the DC whose turn it is to cook is expecting to do so and doesn't let me forget! I sometimes do something similar with crafts/activities too, eg we made a micro-pond in the garden.

DH and I also take it in turns to take one DC out for a few hours, every other weekend. Sometimes it's something quick - hot chocolate in a cafe, a swimming trip. Other times it's a bigger thing, requiring more planning: a sporting event, a visit to a museum that has an exhibition on something they're particularly interested in. Either way, it's planned with them ahead of time, put in the diary and then it happens.

The key thing, I think, is to discuss it (excursion/craft/cooking etc) with your child in advance - it's much more likely to happen if your DC know, because you won't want to disappoint them!

Just start OP. Do it now. Put your phone away until they go to bed. Do just 1 thing and do it now, read one of their books with them, do a puzzle, a board game anything. Enjoy your evening xxx

Life isn't a photo album for you to look back on.
It's every day shit and you do the very best you can with all the compromises that takes.

Just love them and let them know they're loved and muddle through.

This is all helpful thank you…

Has anyone else experienced this? I don’t know if it’s a reflection of my mental health.

Yes all the time! I'm also low tho so it could definitely be MH related. All sounds very familiar.

I do spend 1:1 time with the eldest once the youngest is in bed. We curl up on the sofa with an ovaltine and a blanket watching something she likes. Sometimes we will do a board game too.

We also try and do something family focused at least every other weekend. Could be something cheap like finding a new walk and taking a picnic

My closest friends are stay at home parents/ homeschoolers, so yes I do feel the comparison of all the things they do that I would like to do. However, I do make sure I spend a lot of time just hanging out with my kids, bedtime is hanging out chatting time, I make sure we do nice day trips just me and them, as well as trips with friends. We got out for a meal once a term to a restaurant we all like. They spend a lot of time playing with friends but I do make sure I carve out nice time just with me as well. Its like anything - if its important to you build it into your routine.

We got round this by making sure there were a couple of nights in the week when they weren't out at clubs and we weren't either, and an entire day most weekends (harder as they get older and do more residential/full day stuff. We just got into the habit of having an outing once a weekend. All the stuff you mention - we'd go into the woods on our bikes and build dens or dams or mudslides along the river. Day trips to steam fairs or mini railways, boat trips on the river, family friendly interactive art exhibitions, science museum, theatre shows, pantos, seaside, animal sanctuaries, farms and zoos. Sometimes it would be a quick trip and sometimes a whole day outing. But we did one almost every weekend and it really was fun. It bonded us so well as a family - DH too.

We also read a bedtime story every single night. Doesn't have to be long - a chapter or two if they're short, every night.

Also, lots of small ways of marking the seasons are quick, easy and good fun - a kick up the leaves in the park on the way home from school, followed by hot chocolate and/or toasted marshmallows round the fire-pit, or go to school on the sledge if it's icy, decorate the Christmas tree together, paint eggs at easter etc. Stuff like that stays in their minds.

It’s maybe just a true appreciation of how short young childhood is, but you still have the teenage years to go (and some of that is enjoyable too). Even when they go to Uni, they come back for long holidays.

It’s not all about young childhood. What’s important there is paying proper attention to them as people, and giving them time and attention. All the things you buy are great, but you are the centre of their universe.

Do try and slow down and enjoy / savour these years. Have fun with them.

The bonds you build with them now will stand you in good stead when they are more challenging. Just try and enjoy it. Do ordinary things with them.

Life is not like you see on the telly or in magazines.

I think this is the problem. I already feel like I’m not doing a good enough job during these years and I think I will come to regret it.

I remember feeling panicked that it was all slipping away when DD was about 6/7. That feeling did pass and now I laugh to think how little she was. Things that I find help me:

• not having an internet browser on my phone so it is basically a dumb phone and there is nothing to scroll. It's also helpful to remember that your DDs will have phones themselves in a few years and you won't want them to be constantly on them, so it's good to set the right example! The only way I can do this is by making it impossible to go on the internet

• finding a TV programme you like to watch together e.g Bake Off or similar. Undemanding for you, but can be really bonding

• going to bed early and getting enough sleep. It's hard to want to do things if you are exhausted.

• at bed time, everybody says the highlight of their day. You'll be amazed at what your DDs pick out - it can be very motivating to know that something quite mundane was the best bit of their day

I think scaling back on clubs/scheduled activities would help. Children seem SO overloaded these days compared to when I was young. I think I did brownie and maybe netball but that was it. We had a lot of down time, pottering time and chill time in the week/weekends. If they’re super keen on activities obviously it’s different but I’d ask them to pick a couple to stick with and scale it back. I look back on the ‘boring’ evenings chatting to my mum as she cooked tea with so much fondness.

We go camping

Less distractions.
Less tech.
Less pressure to provide entertainment..
My teens declare their best trip was the one the tent flooded every night when they were 7 and 8!!

I think the problem might be that you are focused on your expectations and not your children’s.
They don’t really want that much - they just want to be around you and with you really engaging with them. They weren’t born expecting loads of toys/ magazines/ activities. I don’t mean you shouldn’t provide these things, but really what they want is you to be available to them- be it chilling out watching TV or going to the park together.

I think you are over thinking this. What did you enjoy as a child?

Enjoy things together... in the everyday fabric of life:

• That daily drive back from/ to school

• The programme you enjoy watching every week/ evening

• Taking them to their favourite clubs and watching them play football/netball/whatever

• Watching their favourite TV shows with them

• Listening to their favourite songs

• Eating their favourite dinners

Be grateful for the 'Everyday Normal' that you can share:)

Stop visiting people so much at the weekends. This will give yourselves time to do things as a family, eg bike ride or getting busy in the garden, going for a walk in the countryside or on a beach (whatever the weather). Go out to dinner as a family, posh pub or carvery, or go to a garden centre just to have some cake. Book a day at a theme park for you all. Go camping next summer. Take some family selfies every once in a while.

I don't do any clubs with my DD and make time to play with her, even if it's just 30 mins before or after school. I do feel what you feel though like it's slipping away, especially at this time of year!

I’m finding all these posts really helpful. I do feel we need to cut back on stuff but they seem to enjoy it all and want to carry on. You’re absolutely right about my phone use though and setting an example. Not sure I’m brave enough to remove my internet browser though!
Absolutely right that it’s more about my expectations than theirs. They seem happy enough.

I have very few memories of my parents playing with me or taking me out when I was a child, and I had a great childhood and am still very close to my parents. You don't have to do tons of stuff, just be there for them, enjoy them and make them feel loved.

Meeting family at weekends is a lovely thing to do too. They will have very happy memories of that. When the weather is good, maybe you could go out with family and do stuff together, not just visit their homes.