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Parenting

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Original poster

HELP!!!! Need to tell son about his biological dad

32 replies

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 20:38

This is really difficult for me, my son is just about to turn 5, and has known my partner as dad since he was 22months, has only seen his 'real' dad bout twice since then, last time wen he was nearly 3, so he doesnt no him.(follow me so far)
well you see he still see's everyone from his 'real' dad's family, sio its only a matter of time before he will start to ask questions.
my family have been saying recently i shoud tell my son about him now, but am so confused as how to go about it1 do you think he is to young at 5, or sholud i have told him before now? i dont want to lie to him, but also dont want him to be dissappointed if he asks to meet his 'real' dad.
please any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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NotquiteChristmasyet · 06/12/2007 20:54

No experience here, but bumping this for you as I'm sure someone will have wise words to offer.

I think your instinct is to tell him something now, and I think that is right. He's old enough to be able to ask questions and to understand a simple explanation. Could you get him talking about families - how some people live with a mum and dad, some people live with just one parent, some people have TWO dads . . .

Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 20:58

Yh ive tried to word all diff explanations in my head, but nothing seems to sound rite, i think understands about 2 dad's as i myself have a step dad and my dad, and he understands that, my mum has suggested showing him pictures, but how can i go about actually sayin this is your dad, im really torn.

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MaureenMLovesmincepies · 06/12/2007 21:18

I think the fact that you have a step dad and a bio dad wil help tbh. I also think that because he sees all his bio family, with the exception of his dad, you do need to tell him now.

I really don't have any expirence of this, other than having to tell dd that her grandad was daddys step dad. Very different though, because there was no real need and she's only just recently been told and she's 12.

I'm sure that once the conversation starts, you will say the right things because you'll be guided by what he asks.

Good luck.

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Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 21:25

my biggest fear is that my son will ask to meet his bio dad

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LOONEYplayingachristmasTUNEy · 06/12/2007 21:33

Agree with Mo. If he wants to meet him, will that be a problem?

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 06/12/2007 21:35

I take it that since you both still have contact with the bio family, things are not good with the dad. Where is he? If you don't want to say, that's fine, just trying to get a feel for the situation.

evelina · 06/12/2007 21:36

kiddie,

I think this situation was on the Matthew Wright show a few weeks back (sorry to be confusing but it may possibly have been children and bereavement). Anyway, I recall the child psychologist saying that between the ages of 5 to 7 was a good age to deal with complex issues because children of this age are very open minded and will assimilate information well.

Why don't you want him to meet his bio dad? Isn't this likely if he sees his relatives?

yama · 06/12/2007 21:38

Kiddie - my dd also thinks of my dp as her Dad. She has only just turned 2 though. I was planning on referring to her bio Dad when she is about 3.

I don't worry about her asking to see her bio Dad. Don't know why - perhaps because he lives outside the UK. Also she loves her Daddy who is her real father.

Generally the advice is to be honest from the earliest age. I know, harder said than done. I'm hoping that the anticipating of the conversation is a lot worse than the actual conversation.

Good luck (bet you don't need it though).

Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 21:47

I dont mind answering that at all mmlm, you see he has no contact with my son, his choice not mine, there have been a few times since we broke up he has wanted contact but that only lasted a weekend each time, it always seems to be when he is single, he gets in contact with me wanting to see son. he has been with current gf over a year and she is suppose to be a very nice girl but has insecurity issue with me, so apparently doesnt want to rock boat with her iynwim.
its very likely my son could bump into him at bio familys house, as this has already happen, (he walked in stuck tongue out at son and walked out) and son was even curious bout him then and he was 3, you see i think seeing him triggered a memory as before son was 22mths he saw bio dad every single day of his life.

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yama · 06/12/2007 21:53

Yes, that is very different Kiddie - my dd has never met her bio dad. I don't have any words of advice. It shouldn't be you that shoulders this burden. At least your ds has you and your dp.

Someone will come along with good advice soon.

yurt1 · 06/12/2007 21:54

How about doing a life book- similar to the ones adopted children have. The difficult bit is that it has to be positive......

controlfreaky2 · 06/12/2007 21:55

stuck tongue out at him?? why??

my instinct is that the sooner you discuss the reality of his family situation with him the better..... there must be a rapidly growing risk that he will find out in an unplanned way. secrets in families are not a good thing. much better out in the open where you can deal with the reality. if he asks questions all you need to be is honest. am sure you will deal with whatever this throws up.

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 06/12/2007 21:56

Ok. I agree with Evelina, this is a good age to tell him. They are far more matter of fact at this age. Kinda, 'just give it to me straight and then end of'

I think the dad and gf thing needs approaching though. Once he knows, he can't ignore him if he sees him and the gf is just going to have to get over it. I understand how she's feeling, but its wasted emotions, isn't it? You, clearly are completely happy with your new dp and there's no going back, but you will always have a bond in ds, which she's just gonna have to accept. Do you speak to him?

Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 22:08

no i dont talk to him, i understand we will always have some sort of connection over ds but thats as far as it will ever go, and even his own mother has tried to drum that in2 her.
but i think its all excuses to be honest, and he just wants to have no contact, thats why im worried for son wanting to see him and he gets rejected, and is old enuf to have them memories

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Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 22:11

i dont no y he stuck out tongue, son was looking at him as he walked past and 'dad' looked at him smiled and stuck out tongue, strange i no, it seems to do that u must have some sort of affection, but yet wants no contact

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poppy34 · 06/12/2007 22:14

Kiddie - I really think you should try and tell him - the idea of a picture book. If you could do it with your partner there too it might make him understand that no matter what relationship his bio dad does/doesnt want he has you two and you're his parents.

I think there is no merit in putting it off or skirting it round the truth as that is where hang ups etc start. Also the longer you leave it the bigger a deal it will become or the more risk that someone else If he knows what the truth is and that you /dp (as well as his bio dads family) are there and love him unconditionally he should be able to cope with whatever bio dad does (or by sound of it doesnt want to do). Kids can be much

I feel quite strongly about this as I had a similar situation (bio dad left at similar age and my "Dad" arrived not much later) -always felt that as my mum couldnt really talk about this and skirted around the issue that it was all made much more unsettling than it needed to be.

poppy34 · 06/12/2007 22:16

and fwiw I was similar age when mum/step dad remarried adn I took his name - as a few posters have mentioned you're really quite aware and surprisingly open minded at that age

Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 22:17

i agree with u poppy34, and evry1 else, its jus about how can i word it, and wat to say if e asks were he is, or y do i not see him?
wat wud any of u say??????????

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poppy34 · 06/12/2007 22:22

wonder if there are any stories or tv progs about stepdad that kind of thing (resisting the obvious seasonal one about nativity story where joseph isnt the daddy but loves him type thing ) that you could use to help? Maybe if you start by planting the idea in his head it might ease your way into the conversation...

Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 22:25

think ill start with pics

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poppy34 · 06/12/2007 22:26

good idea -does he look like any of his bio family?

Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 22:30

yep, him apart from eyes, but twin of everythin else

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MaureenMLovesmincepies · 06/12/2007 22:32

I think that sounds like a plan! I think you should just go with the flow. Explan in the simplist form, that's all he needs and wants. I bet once you've told him, he'll say something so off topic, you'll laugh and sigh and wonder why you got yourself in a pickle the first place!

MaureenMLovesmincepies · 06/12/2007 22:34

BTW, do pop into the Staff room, you are very welcome! But you do need to decide whether you sit on the marmite front. Love it or hate it!

Original poster

KiddieCare · 06/12/2007 22:35

LOL mmlm i think you are so rite its funny, well i hope so anyway, my son is sooooo like that.
i was only 17 wen had son (22 now) so somtimes feel unexperienced with parentin, so thanks for your advice

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