Back to court with controlling ex

[HappyMummy2020]

Just wondering if anyone can give advice - I do have a solicitor already and a very good one, I was just seeing if anyone had been through anything similar - apologise in advance for huge essay, just didn't want to leave anything out!!

we had a court order put in place Aug 2020 - since the following day of the agreed court order for child arrangements I have constant abuse and so has my husband from my ex partner (ex partner being daughters father), everything is aimed at my husband and how 'he is not her dad' 'he can never discipline her' 'he cant do this and he cant do that' - never once has my husband tried to do any of that other than be her friend so she tries not see any hostility.
I even did the separated parents course on purpose to learn what happens and have tried so hard with my narcisstic ex to get on and include him on everything.
Every I do or say 'you cant do that the court order says you have to ask me first and if you don't im calling the police'

Anyway... May this year we have got to the point where I have stopped the contact which most would say is a breach in order but here are my reasons:
He threatened us both to the point we had to call the police and he was arrested and they seized his equipment and his bail conditions were he couldn't come near us any of us.
He contacted my husbands work by sending an enquiry name dropping him and calling him a paedophile so it went to the whole company (he isn't one btw and never been investigated for such a thing).
He contacted CMS and told them my daughter no longer lives with me and hasn't since end of April and I had to be investigated by them.
He threatened my daughters childminder saying he was going to turn up and just take her while she has other children to look after so ended up to scared to do the school run encase he turned up while she was out and she couldn't protect them all.
He also threatened his ex partner after me (this will have no affect on our case i know)
He also sent abuse to my solicitor firm calling them a money making scam, and that they promote child abuse
There are a few other things but that was the main....

Once his bail was closed I said his access could resume (mainly because my solicitor said a court would award him his access back anyway however we had to change the pick up points) I didn't feel safe meeting him on my own and the childminder didn't either.
Now she has started school I have said he can pick her up from school (although he has now moved 2 hours away) on the Friday and then on sunday meet me half way at a contact centre.
He declined this and said if I do not meet him myself in person half way then he will take me back to court, I declined that.

You guessed it - I have court papers and awaiting a date.
Do you think this will go in my favour or am I going to get in trouble for stopping his access? I do feel I had just cause to do so, I have a huge amount of evidence to back it all up also.
He has nothing on me other than I stopped the access, I followed the court order to a T - if he tried to change it and I said No, I was threatened.

any advice would be amazing or thoughts!!

My daughter is 5 btw

You're doing the right thing. By the sounds of it the child's father is more interested in how to get his supply from you reacting, rather than a relationship with his daughter. My ex was a monster when we split, still is.

When toxic people can no longer control you, they try to control how others see you. (But trust that everyone else will see the light like you did. )

This may sound ott but I would start logging all of this and ring the 101 non emergency police and ask for advice too. Tell them you feel threatened by his behaviour. Even if nothing is done it's important to create a log. Good luck.

He can’t make you turn up anywhere.

You’ve made your child available for contact and that’s all you need to do facilitate contact for your child.

A friend refused to give her phone number and address to her ex, she told court point blank she would not answer his phone calls. He should email. And the court could not force her to give her number to him.
She facilitated contact fine.

In moving away he took his responsibility to maintain contact with him. The onus doesn't move to you to drive to where he chose to live.

That's enough in itself. Court will tell
Him he should have considered how he would continue contact as part of his move without depending on you to change your life.

Go to court. Are you sure you dwell 6ur old is safe etc with him do you have any concerns about their care when with him?

@YoBeaches
Thank you.
Yes I 100% have concerns in her care with him, he called social services on my and my husband recently and they had to come up and she had to be medically examined all sorts was AWFUL!!! Anyway they closed it on us very quickly and we turned it to him and I had an awful lot of evidence to show his behaviour and angry ways when he has her and they weren’t interested.
Now she has started school I have the pastoral lady keeping an eye on her before she goes back to him so they see a difference.
When she had just started going back there after the last court order she use to come home and say thing like ‘I’m going to set your car on fire’ to my husband and that she was going to hit me and he was going to hit me! He manipulates her into saying awful things and it terrifies me!! I don’t think she is safe there at all but I’ve tried raising it twice and provided evidence to cafcass and they said they weren’t allowed to read it and had to hear it from me and my mouth! But I had 12 emails of it all I couldn’t remember it all.
They just aren’t interested… I have no idea how he is getting away with it x

@Hempress thank you.
Your completely right and I see that now, I just worry as there is always something next and I’m trying to prepare for what that is and be ready but I just can’t. Terrifies me!
That’s what I thought he can’t force me to meet him, but I just hear so many horror stories from court, he is so manipulative too everyone believes everything he says it seems I just don’t know how he gets away with it.
After Xmas I’ll be in my 3rd year without him, he even hs a new baby and girlfriend and he still hs time to make up lies about us all and cause issues it’s crazy x

Parental alienation is now an offence. Keep a diary op. Write a timeline of the abuse etc...
School can give you a witness statement on dd's behaviour etc

This is breaking my heart

Why is he allowed access now considering all this

Can you push at least for only supervised contact ??

Awful man

There are so many who abuse in this way

I'm so very sorry

@Queenie6655 thank you.
It’s awful isn’t it, we have had this for what will be 3 years after Xmas.
Luckily the school are prepared and very much in my side but keeping neutral, but they no me and know I have her best interest at heart in everything I do.

I have no idea, if I could stop access completely I would but my solicitor said the court is going to award his acccess back so if I stop it and kick back that will go against me so I had to be seen to giving access back.

It’s awful and really sad xx

I really recommend looking at Dr Ramani on YouTube for techniques in how to manage and negotiate your way through difficult subjects with toxic and narcissistic people, they've helped me maintain my composure in the face of someone trying to bait or provoke a reaction out of me. By sheer coincidence she dropped a video today about co-parenting!
Strange as it may sound I would advise against drawing a line like access at the moment- he will likely blow it anyway, you need to always be the better person here, doubly so in your child's eyes to make up for what he lacks. It IS sad but at the same time a way you can teach your child huge amounts about empathy, compassion and how to deal with things in a healthy way. ❤

@Hempress thank you I shall go and have a look at that this evening!
Your right in drawing a line which is what I was trying to avoid as it usually ends in ‘revenge’ that’s what happened after the first court order and why he called social services, he threatened to do it and after 6months when I forgot all about it, he did!
There is always revenge which it was worried me as I feel I have to try and plan for it and I can’t.
But like you said teach empathy and compassion and I do, I do also engage in conversation with my daughter about her dad but only if she wants to, like I won’t start the conversation but I will have the conversation if she asks questions.
Which in nearly 6 months she has asked about him twice!
I will definitely have a look at that YouTube video, everyone advises no contact but it’s hard when your trying to co-parent with a narcissist xx