9 year old DS- upsetting note

[guineabird]

I have just been sorting through my DS's books and desk before I clean his room and found a scrub ache dup piece of paper. He often draws and then discards pictures he's not happy with, so I thought it was another drawing. I opened it to discover a very angry, swear word-filled note (not to anyone-just his thoughts) about how much he hates me, that I am a 'Fing bh,' I 'chat s**t', I turn his playstation off for no reason 'Like an asshole'....all kinds of horrible stuff. I'm stunned. He (like many other kids his age I imagine) is quite intrigued by swear words but knows he can't use them, and none of those phrases are things we would say in our family. I'm sure he was only venting his anger about being punished and having his console banned for the day, but for him to use this language and so aggressively has really upset me. He does have a temper at times but is also extremely affectionate and very open about his feelings, so this has shocked me. I'm not so much upset in that I have taken it personally , as I haven't. It is more that I am disgusted at the language and aggression used. Any advice much appreciated.

I would probably be pretty concerned over what games or content he may be accessing via his Playstation?

Tackle this now, before he gets older.

Thanks throttlebottom. We have tight restrictions on it, so he can only play Minecraft and Roblox online with friends we know- never strangers. That's not to say that one or more of his friends couldn't be using bad language though, I suppose. It seems we need to tighten up even more though, maybe. Thanks for your reply.

But you are taking it personally by saying you need to “tighten things up more”. He’s vented his anger in a safe manner by writing a private note to himself. Therapists ask adults to do this very thing to vent and process anger in a healthy way without hurting anyone. You were never meant to read that note or see it. So to now punish him for this private note will only teach him he has no privacy and drive him to internalise his anger which is unhealthy and could lead to actual aggressive behaviour.

Thanks plan. Yes, I understand what you mean. I am concerned about him feeling he can't vent his feelings. When I said I wasn't taking it personally I meant more that I wasn't hurt by the names he had called me, not that I don't feel that I have some responsibility to address it. Thanks for your reply. I totally appreciate what you mean about him needing to feel he can vent his anger safely.

Thanks for understanding my worry!

I often did this when I was younger. I have diaries from when I was 14 where I called my mother a bitch. I meant it too…in the heat of the moment, at the time I wrote it. She probably was being a bitch at the time. She wasn’t perfect of course, as none of us are

9 is young so I understand why you’re hurt but I’d take this to mean he’s an advanced writer

Its like an anger diary, a safe vent. It doesn't represent what he thinks of you, just his inner toddler tantrums which he has found a way to regulate - good work!

Maybe in a future calm moment I might generally remind him to destroy anything he ever writes that he wouldn’t want anyone to see. A good opportunity to talk about writing stuff online too.

Relax.

He was angry and frustrated by adult interference, perfectly normal at that age. He found a perfectly harmless way to release his frustration and get rid of his anger. That is admirable in a boy that age.

Bin it, say nothing about the note. Be proud and happy you 're doing such a good job as a mother and have raised such a capable lad.

I think I understand from your posts that had you accidentally come across a note which expressed even extreme anger at you in what you considered ‘age-appropriate’ terms, you wouldn’t have been so thrown by it. It’s the adult terminology which is jarring, especially if his knowledge of such language has come as a shock, and I can completely see why you would want to explore that further.
Sad to say, though, I’m pretty sure that at his age he will be hearing language like that and worse at school. Many of his peers will have older siblings already at Secondary, and playgrounds are bear pits. I wouldn’t stress too much. It wasn’t meant for you to see, and I’m sure he was dredging up all the foul language he could muster at the time!
I remember being shocked at some of the language I came to realise was common currency at my dc’s primary. But the important (to me) thing was they never brought it home. Not out loud, anyway!

Thanks so much, everyone. That is all very reassuring. Yes, HunkyPunk, that's exactly it- the language used is what shocked me. Thanks for all your thoughts.