Father Daughter relationship - how to improve?

[goldpendant]

DD is almost 6.

She has never been wildly close to DH (who is a loving, hands on dad). Does have the tendency gravitate to DS and activities such as football with DS over Barbie with DD (don't shoot me this so just how it is in our house).

DH did work abroad for 18 months during DDs toddler years but we saw him regularly and took numerous wonderful holidays together throughout that time.

Examples:

She recoils when he tries to show her affection.

She says he smells (he doesn't). He uses a particular moisturiser for dry skin which she says she doesn't like the smell of but it's hardly repulsive.

She can be quite rude to and dismissive of him.

She always wants me. Wants me to play, read, help her with things...

We also have DS (8) who has none of these tendencies.

DH tries but he also has a relatively short fuse for it all and often gets grumpy or sulky when he is rejected. I understand but he does take things very seriously and can take things out on the children if they haven't gone his way. I frequently explain that DD is only just 6 and that he's the adult, he needs to persevere and not sulk, but it's wearing him down.

Does anyone have any practical tips on how I can help them strengthen their relationship?

I've looked for books but they all seem geared toward older teens and toxic dads etc.

I adored my dad (even though I now know he was a bit of a sod) so I've no idea how to help them.

TIA

DH tries but he also has a relatively short fuse for it all and often gets grumpy or sulky when he is rejected. I understand but he does take things very seriously and can take things out on the children if they haven't gone his way

Well that'll be why then. She doesn't gravitate towards her dad because he treats her badly. How exactly does he take things out on the children? Shouting, hitting, ignoring etc?

Your dh needs to grow up and stop sulking for a start. If your dd is only 5 and he was working away for that long, then how much quality time has he spent with her - taking her to her clubs, doing things together and so on?

He loses his temper abruptly, sulks at a little kid, and clearly demonstrates his preference for your son. Why on earth would your daughter want him to kiss her? Why does he even bother trying to kiss her, other than as a display of ownership?

If he has a radical personality change, reins in his temper and attempts to engage with her then she may yet become fond of him. If you force her to pretend there's affection where none exists (with good reason!) she'll grow up resenting you both.

Your DH needs to start behaving like an adult and improve his parenting. It sounds like he is the one who needs to be reading the parenting books here rather than you. Does he want to improve things? This needs to come from him.

He 500% wants to improve this. He has tried taking her out just him and her but she resists, he taught her to ride her bike over a number of weekends and things looked like they were improving but it's gone back to how it was before.

He doesn't show her the sulking, it's after she's gone into school and he sits at home upset that she wouldn't give him a goodbye hug.

I feel I've somewhat misrepresented him. He's not an ogre, but I'm not sure he's preserved for long enough or in a positive enough way with her.

He doesn't want to play with her, openly prefers her brother, loses his temper and sulks? Dad of the year right there.

He needs to up his game, spend some time with her and be an adult.

So when he engaged with her the relationship improved and when he stopped it regressed.
Maybe try engaging with her?

Your OP says I understand but he does take things very seriously and can take things out on the children if they haven't gone his way.
Then you say he doesn't show her the sulking, so in what way does he take it out on the children? I'd think this is a big part of the problem.

You can't fix his relationship with DD, he needs to man up, act like an adult and patiently build a relationship of positive interactions with her. Start small, little everyday interactions, listen to her, talk to her, read her favourite book, play together with her favourite toys, have a game of hide and seek, take her out for a treat. There's no magic answer, he needs to put in the time, have patience, not react negatively or angrily when she chooses not to hug or not to play, or doesn't want him around. It takes time and effort and sometimes things will feel like they're going backwards or she'll have times she's grumpy and wants some space. As for the hugs, the rule in our house is you can ask, but no one has to hug anyone, their body, their choice, we respect that and we don't sulk.

He uses a particular moisturiser for dry skin which she says she doesn't like the smell of but it's hardly repulsive

not to you but it obviously is to her.

She has never been wildly close to DH (who is a loving, hands on dad). Does have the tendency gravitate to DS and activities such as football with DS over Barbie with DD (don't shoot me this so just how it is in our house).

She knows he prefers her brother. It's only 'how it is' because he's made it so.

does take things very seriously and can take things out on the children if they haven't gone his way

How does he 'take things out on the children'?

Okay so by 'takes things out on children'
what I mean is;

Example - kids are squabbling. DH might shout and remove TV remote. I think his reactions are sometimes a bit OTT and he doesn't try to help them resolve things, he'll just demonstrate that there's a consequence. Plenty of other people would agree with his approach though, and it's not like they haven't been warned they'd lose telly if they kept squabbling.

He's very quick to react basically.

And by 'how it is in our house' I meant with the Barbie vs football thing. We've tried not to gender stereotype our kids but it's what they're into at the moment.

Your dh need to step up here and make a huge effort. A few ideas might be to bake with her, take her for a walk, read to her - a special book one she doesn't read with anyone else. If he's sporty how about running together - short distances obviously?
Rudeness she should be pulled up on, that's not ok. But he needs to not sulk and make a serious effort to shout less as well.
Are there any other options for his cream? She may genuinely dislike the smell.

Dh and I were very keen not to gender stereotype our kids. We thought we had a good chance of achieving this because I'm the main breadwinner, he was a SAHD for a long time, he's an artist, chores are split etc etc..... DD is all about pink sparkly unicorns and DS plays rugby. Sigh.

But DH can still do the "girly" things. DH plays Roblux with dd - mostly ridiculous games where they dress up and do their hair. He is 400x better at playing with dolls and imaginary games than I am and actually knows the names of her dolls (I know the name of 2). He takes her swimming, or to the park, or trampolining. He is the one who takes her to ballet, buys her ballet kit etc.

Your DH needs to make more effort and not be rejected if she doesn't want to. Why can't he get down and play dolls with her or take her to her favourite activity?

Right here we go:

1. children's senses tend to be more attuned than an adults, his moisturiser obviously smells unpleasant to her, but clearly he needs to use it, maybe he when he put it on he can talk to about why he needs it, and chat to her about smelly cream, make it fun. Or when she tells him it's smelly he could reply with "yeh I know dead stinky isn't it, do you want to try some?!" He shouldn't take it personally, she won't be deliberately upsetting him!

2. he needs to stop demanding hugs and kisses, and stop taking offence, she'll be demonstrative in her own time and when she is confident. She's not deliberately snubbing him and he needs to see it from her point of view, I'm sure there are times he doesn't want a hug?!

3. he needs to start doing the bedtime routine, something along the lines of "hey dd I'm going to read the story tonight and mummy will then tuck you, now what story do you want?" She chooses the story but whatever he does don't phrase him reading the story as a question, or she'll instantly want you.

4. what about doing some jigsaws together? I don't do dolls...hate the damn things, so it's finding other things to do together.

5. you and he need to parent together, if you disagree with his way of disciplining discuss it, as adults, out of ear shot of the children. If a child sees a parent disparage another parent (even unintentionally) they will simply mimic that behaviour.

6. your husband sounds like a sensitive soul, and there is nothing wrong with that, but children can be harsh! They are learning after all. If she is rude, perhaps he needs to explain why it's rude, not just assume she understands, and absolutely not take offence.

7. He does sound a bit insecure in his relationship with her, but he needs to remember young children love their parents unconditionally, so even if she doesn't always show it, he needs to be secure in the knowledge she does love him. It's bloody hard being a parent and family dynamics aren't easy, but if he wants to get a bond with her he will!

Good luck

Thanks so much fir all of the constructive comments- I've shown this to DH and he takes it on board.

He's also admitted that he thinks I need to back down a bit and allow him some space with DD, eg - I jump when she says she wants me to take her to clubs etc.

So tonight she read her school reading book to him for the first time... ever. She invited him to sit on her bed, this has also never happened.

I've had to back off a bit and I feel a bit like I've lost an arm, but it's worth it to see them interacting so much more warmly.

Thanks everyone

I read that some people will push someone away just to see if they come back - all relationships take work and some more than others.
He should always make himself available to her even if she rejects him - doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful for him but he is the grown up. (I should take my own advice)!

Really interesting @Flackattack - I can totally see that in DDs personality