11 months old and struggling

[theautumnalmanac]

Today my DS turned 11 months old. It has been a bumpy journey and today I am feeling particularly low. I had a relatively uncomplicated birth and have a brilliant support network. For a long time I've felt that my main purpose in a group of friends with babies is to have the most difficult, whiny baby to make everyone feel better about their own.

It sounds harsh but I can't help but feel that how my baby is, is down to my bad parenting. He has just started half crawling (one of his feet remains flat on the floor while the other drags along) but has no interest in standing. This morning I took him to soft play with another mum and baby. Her baby had an amazing time, crawling, climbing and laughing. Mine enjoyed about 20 minutes and then got frustrated due to his lack of interest in moving.

I have had help for postnatal depression and I started to feel better once I was back at work but it breaks my heart wondering if the reason Im feeling better is because I spend less time now with my DS. I have lots of people around to help but feel like I should be able to cope when it's just the two of us.

Though I'm not the most maternal of women, I really do try my best but combining this with having a particularly fussy baby is so difficult.

I'm aware I sound cruel but I'm hoping that if I am as honest as I can be, someone will understand.

Is he a slow developer? Why can't I be patient with him? I suppose these are my main concerns.

Oh OP I can really sympathise. It’s so hard having ‘the miserable baby’ isn’t it. I would bet anything how he is is nothing to do with your parenting. My DS is very similar. He never crawled and even now at 16 months is still only taking a few steps, preferring to cruise along the furniture still. I also wonder if he’s so cross because of how slow his motor development has been - he didn’t seem at all bothered by his complete lack of movement until about 10.5 or 11 months, when he just became absolutely furious and, has intermittently, been that way since. I’d say he’s actually very advanced in his social and communication skills and I’m not sure if your DS is similar? Still not enough at this age to make up for it though.

I also hugely struggle with days when it’s just the two of us. I’ve been off with him today and my head is battered. The constant whinging and moaning is just exhausting.

So in answer to your questions, yes his motor development is probably slower than average, but it would be in no way indicative of a problem at 11 months unless you have other developmental concerns. I think you just need to carry on riding the storm. You can’t be patient with him because it is so hard to feel the crushing rejection of a baby that is permanently cross and miserable in your company, especially when that baby is yours and you utterly adore them. I’m hoping we’ll see some light when his motor skills and speech are better.

All the best to you x

Also, PLEASE don’t beat yourself up about enjoying going back to work. We didn’t chose to, but my DS was attachment-parented to within an inch of his life because of high needs he was. I felt hugely better on going back to work. My head is clearer the days I have with him as well - I was at my wits end by the end of maternity leave x

Hi OP, I'm sure many of us have been there. I also had PND and started to get much better around 9 months PP - when I returned to work 4 days a week. I don't even have a job I particularly enjoy or care about for context and the pay was minimum wage at that time.

Try not to feel guilt. It's a wasted emotion and doesn't help anyone. I'm sure you're trying your best, God knows I was and still am. My DD is now 3 and a quarter and it is MUCH easier and generally much more enjoyable. Having said that, I still do burst into tears myself sometimes during her particularly horrific tantrums - so it's not all a bed of roses. But I no longer have depression and in general I do enjoy her and enjoy spending more time with her. I'm on mat leave now awaiting no.2's.imminent arrival and suddenly spending 3 days a week alone with DD - it is hard work, and there are some horrible tantrums and frustrating moments but on the whole I do enjoy my time with her and would rather be doing them than work. At 11m I definitely couldn't always say that!

I would recommend reading 'How to Raise Your Spirited Child', I found that helpful. My DD was like your DC, cried and whinged all the time. Didn't bum shuffle until 11m, didn't walk until 16m. Average development of language initially but I'd say from 2 onwards she rapidly began expanding her language acquisition and it's definitely helped - it's much easier when they can communicate their wishes better.

Also, my DD didn't go to a soft play til she was 18m. I'm sure she would have been the same as yours at 11m.

Hugs to you OP! Sounds like you're doing an amazing job with your little one. Parenting a high needs baby is HARD, even with a fantastic support network. I have a similarly high needs 12 month old, we had a very rocky start due to undiagnosed cmpa and reflux which I now feel incredibly guilty about but I try to remember that he has literally no memory of it. I put his fussiness down to frustration, he's always been a very active baby and I think he gets mad that his body can't do what his brain is telling him to. At each physical milestone he has got slightly easier (although they have times with horrific sleep regressions and he's a shit sleep anyway!) It can be really difficult to cope when you love them so much and you don't get much back from them but I try and look for the little ways that he shows me he loves me, like how he'll look for me at playgroup every so often and make sure I'm still there or how he gets a book off the shelf because he knows I'll read it to him. Days when I'm completely on my own with him all day are hard so I try and make sure we have plans every day. He is much more content out and about too so I have invested in a puddle suit and a new coat for me as I think we'll be spending lots of outdoor time this winter 😅 big hugs to you, you're doing an amazing job and you're little one adores you x

Thank you @AliceW89 for your kind words 💐 I know really it's fine for them to develop at different speeds and it makes me feel awful to feel resentful over something he really can't help! Happy to hear you felt the same about going back go work 😊

@MeadowHay I'm exactly the same with my job! It's nice work but I'm definitely not a career person. Thanks so much for the recommendation and reassurance that things pass ❤️

@HenrysHome that sounds like such a tricky start, but you're right to look for the positives in those lovely little things. Such a good call to prepare yourself for the next could of months 😊 just helps break up the days a bit!

Op it's absolutley nothing to do with anything you are doing wrong or anything they are doing right at all. I have boys, all totally different, my first was super easy, woke a little but v v v chilled, happy out in groups, never even had a single tantrum, my 2nd cried and grumbled for years and years...woke constantly until 4, 10 tantrums a day but wonderful, incredibley bright child now older, my 3rd , easy going, happiest dc out.
All walked v early but two took years to learn to read; im a book worm and read to them since they were in the womb, they were 8 before they could read at all. I had loads of stupid comments from a sil whose dc did everything better than mine because of their better parenting etc,!! of course this was bs and as a mum of three i know this. Don't compare , you are doing your best, your dc will get there!! Often they can be very irritable before mastering a new skill.
It will get easier x

It definitely sounds like he is getting frustrated not being able to move as he wants to and then getting absolutely exhausted after trying so hard. My LO used to moan REALLY loudly until she was able to move how she wanted to. It was at every stage - rolling over then pushing up on her hands then crawling then standing up then walking then climbing then jumping and then talking. Honestly it gets easier but it's not nice having to bare with the moods they have. I used to give my LO lots of short bursts of practice time and try to make it fun. For example I used to put a row of toys on top of the fire guard and get her to collect each one. It made standing up fun and then helped her to start cruising. I also spent some 1 on 1 time doing this and cheer her on when she did it and made it into a "giggly" thing when she fell over or couldn't do it so she was distracted. Sometimes I would pretend to fall over too to make it into a game. Also my LO was always always always the fussy baby in a group of friends so I understand what you are saying. One she got to 18mo hints changed and she became a lot happier. Make sure you are looking after your own mental health too because an unhappy baby can really grind you down. You are doing great though- don't think it's your fault, it will get easier and better x

@Abitlost2 ah thank you for taking the time to tell me about your experience. Really goes to show how different they all are. I rarely take a moment to appreciate for example how well he eats and sleeps! I think it's easy to focus on the difficulties isn't it? Hope you're all getting on well ❤️

Great suggestions @Mamabear04 I'm definitely sensing a lot of frustration. It's like he wishes he could just skip crawling and go straight to walking so he's sort combining the two. Also good to hear I'm not the only one who sometimes feels like I've got the 'hardest' baby! Thank you for your kind words and reassurance that it does get better 💐

Did he have his 9 month development check with the health visitor? Did they pick anything up there?

Just wanted to update this thread in case anyone else stumbles upon it.

My DS has just turned one and is nearly standing with no support! Things got better, I just had to wait it out.

I got the health visitor to come back and she assured me that as long as he is moving, there was nothing for me to worry about. She was happy with his development.