I can’t cope

[Suziemooo]

My 3.5 year old is a nightmare at bedtime. He refuses to go to sleep alone and will shout of me every time I leave the room and I usually end up having to sit on the floor stroking his leg whilst he falls asleep. Then he will wake up anywhere from 10pm to 2am and not want to go to bed, wants to go on his tablet. I try to resettle him but he refuses. If I leave the room he will scream, kick the door repeatedly. Only thing that will calm him down is bringing him into my room so he falls asleep.
When he is with his dad (who has exactly the same bedtime routine and time as me) he will go straight to sleep and not wake up till 7am. His dad is a lot firmer than me, but even if I am really firm, he just laughs or he gets abd says he my friend.

I’m at a real loss at what to do. I am beyond exhausted and I’m started to just not like my child.

How do I hold my boundaries when he’s kicking doors and screaming in the middle of the night?? Even during the door he’s an absolute nightmare for me. I can’t even use time out as again he just screams and kicks door (who knew 3 year olds was so bloody strong!!)

Anyone?

If he’s only doing it for you, and not Dad, it’s because he thinks/knows that even if you hold out for a bit, you will eventually give in and bring him in with you?

Have you ever held firm and not brought hun in with you - even if it meant a horrendous night with very little sleep for all?

I don’t say this as a criticism at all btw - we all do what we need to get by and stay sane! But that’s what struck me when reading your post x

Empathise, empathise, empathise! “I know you’re upset you can’t have your tablet - I know you really enjoy watching/playing on it, but tablet is only for day times.”

It’s not your job to stop the tantrum, it’s your job to support them through it (which I know is easier said than done, I’ve been having a right hard time with my 3 year old too!). It’s not a crime to have him sleep in your bed if that’s what makes your life easier each night - my son is 3 and I’ve bed shared with him since birth and now he sleeps all night in his own bed unless he’s poorly. X

At this age well over half of DDs nursery class were still cuddled to sleep so I won’t worry about that. Get some headphones and watch TV or listen to music on your phone while you do it.

What happens if you just put him in your bed when he wakes?

@NewMum0305 oh he definitely knows that I’m
The soft touch. No, I always bring him in if he won’t stop kicking off as he’s that noisy I worry about the neighbours. I did buy a tall baby gate so maybe I need to put that on and ignore him for so long?

@discombobulatedonion and @Fallagain
I find myself getting stressed when I do try to emphasise as no matter what I say he just repeats that he wants his tablet and will get louder and louder then my patience starts to wear thin. If I knew he would just go straight to sleep I’d happily have him in with me, but I had to put him in my bed then “pretend” to try and make his tablet work until he finally falls asleep.

I feel like I’m just running around doing whatever he wants and that I try and appease him immediately so he doesn’t have a melt down. I’m beyond exhausted

And thank you all for you replies, it’s much appreciated

Please don’t ignore him, I promise it won’t make him any more independent. I know it can be tempting, and there’s a difference between leaving them to cry to take a mental break for a few minutes than there is to just ignoring him. They don’t know there’s a difference but you do and that’s what counts in the long run. The more responsive you are, the more independent they will be in the long run.

It is frustrating when they shout and scream for something but you just have to put your foot down and gently (as best as possible) explain why they cannot have something. It does get easier (even though I’m in the middle of the hardest year of my sons life yet!)

@discombobulatedonion Its the last thing I want to do. I feel as tho most family members feel I’m too soft and should ignore him as otherwise he has me over a barrel but he’s my little boy :(

I have two older boys and miss the times they were young. If you just take him into bed it will be ok and before you know it he'll be happily going off into his own bed as he gets older.

I still took mine into bed at this age for cuddles to sleep if they didn't settle. He won't always want to do it, but if it works for and everyone has a happy night's sleep then it's worth it.

You don’t have to ignore him, but it is your job to set boundaries. Children need boundaries to feel safe, he needs to feel like you are in control and he is safe to be a child. He doesn’t set the rules, you do.

Work together to make a plan for bed time and stick to it. As the pp said, empathise with him, he’s obviously finding it very stressful, but he doesn’t need to worry because you’re in charge and will help him.

It’s so so hard I know. But it won’t last and will be worth it.

I think you’ve answered your own question when you say he doesn’t do it with his dad. It’s not “ignoring” him, it’s simply expecting him to abide by the very reasonable boundaries you’ve set.

@Suziemooo

You know when people say you're too soft? It's because they were too hard on their own kids. Times are changing, parenting is changing and you are doing your best to make sure your little one grows up happy and healthy. Follow yourself and your sons routine and way of doing things - don't take advice from other people if it's unsolicited because it will only make you feel worse when it doesn't go to plan.

Set boundaries - children need them to feel safe. It's okay to enforce boundaries as long as you do it gently and don't do anything to cause your child to fear you. If you do end up shouting, apologise, then wait until you've calmed down and explain why you shouted. Tell your little boy it isn't his fault you shouted, but don't be too hard on yourself if you DO shout - because ultimately it's hard not to shout when you're pushed to your limit.

You've got this, OP