My son has no friends

[LongTallPain]

My son (11) only ever sees friends when he's in school, he's never invited out by friends and for dinner by other parents. He hasn't been invited to a birthday party except 1 for about 3 years. He's pretty introverted, never any in trouble at school, and does seem to have school friends, but I believe he is lonely. He didn't want to do anything with friends for his birthday this year. I bought two tickets for an event and asked a boys mum a few weeks in advance if her son could come...she agreed and then a few days before told me they were going away. I couldn't do the event with ds as I was still recovering from illness, so he went around alone, surrounded by other children with their friends.

He's always done activities outside of school, and I booked two sports camps this summer, but we live in the country which lessens choices and since the pandemic ds has shown no interest in returning to these regulary such as he previously joined a football club.

I don't know what to do to help. It's so sad, I've pushed it to the back of my mind. One of my friends has a son, but we don't see him much as he spends weekends at his Father's. It's my fault because I'm not in the mums click. Ds has a brother but he is 5 years younger, so it's not the same.

Is there anyone else out there in a similar situation?

Mines the same, no friends out of school, he has a few in school but not extended to outside of school and we live on a road with no children so not easy to make friends out of school

My 13 year old son is the same and it breaks my heart. He would love friends but has no confidence. He's ASD and doing really well at school but socially he has no life.

Scouts, or Cadets?
I strongly recommend cadets myself its brilliant my son made more friends when he started that, he also found people he didn't talk to so much at school were also in the same cadet group as himself. It's brilliant for building confidence too.

I worked so hard to get my son friends. It takes a lot of time and effort! Lots of chatting to mums at the school gate with my ‘fake face’ on when I just wanted to run and hide, volunteering at cubs, throwing birthday parties for the whole class when he was little etc, giving lifts and even sometimes babysitting, going to the playground near school after school and being the ‘life and soul’ playing with everyone’s kids when I’d much rather have been playing on my phone or better still, at home.

I don’t have a solution, but do be aware that for the children with lots of friends it probably didn’t just ‘happen’ or not in my case anyway.

At age 11 it’s much harder than if he just started primary. But there is still a lot you can do. I’d suggest getting him involved in activities like sport / drama / cubs etc and see if he clicks with anyone. If that’s too expensive, you could try volunteering somewhere together, or going to church (who will definitely be friendly and probably have local kids his age), or just grabbing whatever opportunities you come across really. It is a total pain but so worth it.

Also just to say my son flourished in secondary, bigger pool of kids, more so in year 9.
I used to get my son to arrange meeting his friends in his friends local park and drop him off there for a bit.

Something similar here & I truly don't know why.
DS13 is truly the nicest, kindest person.

Other DC say he's a bit of a show-off, but even other DC say it's mild, not intolerable.

Thanks for replies everyone, although I don't wish this situation on anyone is comforting to not feel alone.

Cadets a very good idea, I checked the website and it says you need to he 12^ but have set a reminder on my phone to look again next year! I got in touch with scouts before as a few of the boys in ds class attend but they told me their waiting list is over a year long, asked if I could volunteer but I said I would be unable to as I'm a single parent, student nurse and have two jobs, but maybe I can go back and negotiate, perhaps ask if ds2 can come along (but just watch).

@Skysblue I think you're absolutely right, I don't feel friends are made (at least not cemented outside school) unless parents are involved. A lot of this is my fault. I've been single for about 5 years and let that tell me I wasn't good enough and the parents would look down on me.

My son is similar. I managed to get the name of a boy he sometimes talks to at school and invited him round. Took them out for a McDonalds, made it fun. I prioritise this sort of activity and it fuss seem to help with friendships as they get time with just the two of them rather than with lots of others around.

Yes you do have to be 12 and in year 8 but you might want to check if they have a waiting list too.
The cadets near me have two intakes a year it's great because everyone is the new kid at the same time so easier to make friends.

@LongTallPain do not go back to scouts and negotiate or ask if your son can go and just watch they will all be volunteers themselves. By volunteering yourself they would offer your son a space now rather than having to wait a year. Everyone always has excuses why they can't volunteer which is fine but do not then ask to be the exception to the rule!