Feeling so angry

[Honeytruffle90]

I'm worried about my behaviour towards my 3 year old daughter. Recently I've grabbed her shoulders and shook her and shouted right in her face and just generally been unpleasant. After I've done it I feel dreadful and so drained and I just feel it's getting worse.
I'm not excusing my behaviour but let me explain.
As well as my 3yo daughter I also have a 4m old son. In the last couple of months, my daughter has stopped sleeping very well and getting up ridiculously early. Plus I have night feeds with my son. So I'm always exhausted.
My daughter doesn't allow me to do anything by myself, I'm not allowed to go to the toilet, walk away if I feel angry, have a shower with the door closed - anything. So I never get a breather.
She doesn't like anything. She won't play with toys, she won't go to parks, she won't go to soft play, she won't join in activities, she won't enjoy any kind of singing group or play place we go to. She nearly always whinges or complains and then I get annoyed as I'm sick of making the effort.
She's frightened of pretty much everything. We go for a simple walk on a decent day weather wise and she's so petrified of the wind she screams and makes it unpleasant for everyone. We can't go anywhere or do anything without her crying, complaining, whinging or refusing to cooperate and join in.
I used to have more patience but these days I've also got to cope with a very small baby, breastfeeding him all day long and I feel like I never get 10 seconds to just relax. On an average day I have about 10 minutes after my sons last bedtime feed when I can relax and read my book and I'm still tense as my daughter sometimes gets out of bed screaming that she doesn't want to go. She screams and cries at most personal care tasks, hair washing, teeth brushing, getting dressed. I'm just worn out and at the end of my tether and I don't know what to do. I feel so angry with her all the time. I'm a sahm BTW, maybe should have led with that.
Am I an absolute monster? Because I feel like one 😭

You're not a monster. This sounds absolutely exhausting - lack of sleep and any down time is enough to make you feel like this, never mind the challenging behaviour on top!

As a first step - what support does your partner provide. Just for right now, today, can you have a few hours off just to relax and be? It really really sounds as though you need it.

After that, I'm no expert, but I wonder if it's possible your daughter has some sort of sensory issues if she's reacting so strongly to things like wind and noises places? I'd consider speaking to your health visitor or the nursery if she goes to one.

You are definitely not a monster - that sounds exhausting.
Does she go to a nursery? I would consider it if not, to give you a breather!
What does you DH say? Have you told him?

3yo = at least 15 hours' free nursery. Use them.

Who do you have for support? Could your partner take over so you can have the odd walk on your own?

Listen we’ve all been there where we feel like monsters. It’s soooo hard parenting, I can totally understand how exhausted you must be and I sympathise with you. Go easy on yourself!

Does she go to nursery? Do you have a partner who can help with the overnights or early mornings?

You’re not a monster, but her world has been turned completely upside down by the arrival of new baby, it seems understandable that her behaviour might have changed. Agree nursery would give you some time alone with the baby so you feel able to devote more time to 3 year old when she’s at home.

There's help available from Family Lives, a parenting charity:

www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline/

Toddler and newborn are hard.

My son is also terrified of pretty much everything. It can really wear you down sometimes.

Agree - get your daughter into some kind of nursery / preschool if she isn't already. She will likely scream and cry but that will also show others her behaviour. They can then help get you referred for any additional support she might need.

2. where's your partner in this? In the early days my DH job was to be 100% focused on the toddler while I dealt with the baby. It's also his job to give you some time out. At 4 month breastfeeding should have settled a bit and you'd be able to go out alone for at least an hour.

Thanks everyone. My daughter does go to nursery for 15 hours as that's all we're entitled to. She does Monday 9-3, Tuesday 9-3 and Wednesday 9-12. When she's not around I try and get a bit of housework done as I struggle to get anything done with her about as she trails after me saying 'play with me, play with me' on repeat until I stop doing anything. And then I try and relax and cuddle my son.
Yes my husband is around but he works full time so he's only home from 5pm. He finds it all really hard as well and it's making him really depressed and he shouts at her too as we get so frustrated and worn out. I hate hearing him shout at her so I can only imagine what I must sound like. He finds it hard having to look after my daughter for even an hour on his own, he gets himself wound up and annoyed.
We've got a referral under way to the occupational health team for an assessment relating to sensory issues and social issues. Until very recently she used to scream at other children, but these days she's gone the opposite and gets in other people's faces when we go out and tries to talk to other children's mums and get involved in what they're doing and I feel like I have to drag her away as she makes others uncomfortable.
She also hates being cuddled so when you just want to kiss and make up she will whinge and pull away and you just feel so frustrated.

I feel so awful as she used to be like my best mate and so much fun. I know having a new baby is a big upheavel but I just feel so little joy in my life and trapped between the 4 walls.

I’ve been there, the more irritated I got the clingier the toddler got. As I tried to carve out time for myself he saw it as rejection and couldn’t relax into play, couldn’t sleep.
I had to fake it. Designate times when I was completely focused on him, so he felt secure. It didn’t come naturally to me, I’m an introvert and recoiled from his neediness but it did make a difference. He’s 24 now, still resents the ‘baby’ sister a bit but adores me and isn’t the least needy.

I'm a SAHP as well.

You need a conversation with your husband now!

When I became a SAHP we discussed working hours. His working hours are 9-5, so are mine (plus any extra commute time he has) that means when he got home we were BOTH parents. Just like when I was at work full time. Neither of us could pull the 'I'm too tired' line to get out of childcare duties.

He might struggle after an hour, but you've had all day of it. How does he think you feel?

You need to make some plans TOGETHER to get through this. Perhaps it's a sign between you for when you need extra help, maybe it's a regular break time for you, perhaps it's a parenting course. What every it is, you BOTH need to do it as you're BOTH her parents. He can't keep ducking out after an hour because he's stressed. He needs to find a way to deal with that stress so you can BOTH parent your child.