My husband is being deployed, will my baby forget him?

[DoverGirl]

Hello all, long time reader and first time poster.

My baby is due in November, with my husband set to deploy from May to the following November. He doesn’t know anything about babies(I’m not saying I do), and he thinks infants can’t remember anything anyway. His thought was ‘oh good, I’ll be home right when she starts getting interesting!’. Obviously this isn’t so. She’ll be 6 months when he leaves. My fear is that she’ll have no memory of him when he returns. It makes me sad to consider, and I know he would probably be hurt if that were to happen. I grew up in a military family, my own dad was gone a lot. But I was old enough to know it was daddy who was coming home.

Does anyone else here have any experience with something like this? Can you share an anecdote? Am I being a silly person, or do you think my baby will forget her daddy?

May be a bit iffy at 1st but will adjust pretty well after a while and a few stints of daddy going away.

We're a military family with 6 kids now, our older kids are used to him coming and going and I'm sure our newborn will adjust as they did. Keeping to routines helps a lot. With our eldest we disrupted routines when dh came home and she struggled more, 2nd onward I wouldn't do it.

I'm not in your position, but there are some things you could do to keep him part of your life more than a facetime call which small children don't engage with well. For example talking photo albums, so he can record himself describing the picture, or you could video him reading some stories so at bedtime you can share the story with baby while you play the video of daddy reading it. When he comes home, it would mean an auditory association, which is one of the stronger sensory links.

She's a baby she will adapt to getting to know him when he returns.

I think military kids just get used to it. Theres no getting around it

I’m glad you understand my worry, and that you’ve been there. I’m sure it’ll be fine, I’m just worried she’ll miss out on some special bonding time. This is our first one, and I’m suddenly thinking of things I never thought of before. We’ve been together for ten years, and half of it has seen him away. It’s fine when it’s just me holding down the Fort, but now I have all these new worries. Thanks for your compassionate answer.

@Chelyanne my bad, I meant the above response to be for you! Like I said, new to posting! Thanks again

If you really wanted to you can get teddy bears that record voices. Bil got one for my nephew as a baby when he was deployed. Have them all a sweet comfort.

@Youcancallmeval these are great ideas, thanks so much for your input. I’ll for sure be doing a couple of these. Thank god for technology! I remember when my dad would go away, we would get a satellite phone call from him once every month and a half maybe? And only for a couple minutes because there was a line of other people wanting to call home! Thanks again, really good ideas.

@Branleuse you’re probably right! People under estimate how resilient children can be. I just feel bad for my lil bean. It’s probably going to be fine, but there’s a little voice in the back of my mind saying that this time apart will have an impact on their relationship for the rest of our lives! I just wanted to hear if any other parents dealt with this. Thanks for your reply

@ShaneTheThird brilliant idea! I LOVE that

I’m from a military family and my dad was first deployed when I was 18 months. I have no memory of it and it certainly hasn’t had any bearing on our lovely relationship. However now that I have my own small ones I can’t get my head around how difficult it must have been for my mum, it will be tough but you’ve got this!

Not quite the same but my husband works long/irregular shifts, basically on some shifts he leaves when she’s getting up and is home after she’s in bed.
My 6 month old and I FaceTime him when he’s on breaks and she absolutely knows his voice/recognises him, so though it is young she has fully built up knowing his voice and also recognising his face.

@DoverGirl I was in your exact position last year. DP deployed for 6 months when DS was 4 months old. He got back in April. The good thing about doing it at this age is that they're completely unaware. When DP got back he just slotted back into place. Babies know their people, yours will see the way you behave with your DP and know that everything's ok. They may not necessarily remember him after that amount of time but your DP won't be a stranger.

Our welfare centre did recordings of stories to kids from their deployed parents, you could see if they're doing anything like that?
I also made sure we looked at lots of pictures of daddy and talked about him every day. And FaceTimed lots of course. But you will also have to accept the fact that it's you and baby and your DP will be on the outside looking in for a while after they get back.

Of course babies have memories. They just don't retain the memories they make then into adulthood. They need one consistent caregiver, that's going to be you. Other people can be there, then not be and they can have wonderful relationships with those people too. But they need a consistent attachment as well.

Don't worry op their relationship won't be damaged at all. I'm a military brat my dad was deployed before I was even born and straight after, I was used to him being gone 6 months of the year. Same with all my siblings. All my siblings also military and same with their kids. When they are so young they can be a bit funny for a few days when daddy comes home but they get used to it really fast and it becomes the norm for them. I think it was build a bear they got the teddy from but there must be some online. Was very cute as he said a few nice messages as he left when dn was newborn and returned when dn was 8 months before going again 2 months later. Dn is severely autistic and he still gets used to his dad going and coming back and gets really excited to see him.

@Pinkstegosaurus thank you for your perspective, hearing from someone who was a wee little one when their parent left is really good input. Like I said, my own dad was gone a lot but more so when I was 3 and onward. Thank you for replying!

@slv2013 ugh shift work is the worst! That must be really tough! I’m really thankful for things like FaceTime. Comms aren’t always great, but I’m sure we can sneak in something like WhatsApp. I’m glad she’ll be able to recognize that it’s him on the phone, the idea of that is so sweet.

@edin16 yes, this! Thank you! I am very happy to hear your experience was like this. That’s a really interesting point, even if she doesn’t really remember him she’ll know he isn’t a stranger by the way we interact. Thanks for putting this in my head!

And another good point about the welfare centre. I’ve never really had anything to do with them as we haven’t had any children this whole time. I know they’re there for more than kids the little ones, but I’ve just never felt I needed anything from them. Maybe it’s time for a visit?

You’re right, its just an adjustment like anything else life throws our way. Thanks for sharing your perspective.

Not the same but because of lockdown my son barely saw his grandparents in person until he was gone one. However, we video called most days/weeks and he recognised and was happy with then straight away - I was amazed. Not sure how possible it will be but I'd video chat as often as possible/if possible.

DH went away when DD was 14 months, returning when she was 22 months (and she had a two week old baby sister!) (So in a short space of time her family went from just her and Mummy to her, Mummy, a baby and a strange man- after not much contact with men in months)

Telling the truth here...she had no idea who he was. But she warmed to him quickly. Within days he was the favourite for cuddles and bedtime stories.

His tips... don't expect to be instant. You've got to build up trust. But they will accept you if you let them set the pace.

They are 10 and 8 now. He's still away a lot, especially now he weekly commutes. But they are Daddys Girls. They know he comes home. They also accept plans change (like this weekend, he can't come home as DD2 had a positive Covid Test. Counting down the two weeks until he's allowed home again!)

My military Df missed most of my childhood including every birthday between 1 and 21. I absolutely adored him and now (he's dead) I miss him every day. When he was home, he always made time for us to do things, swimming, running, going to theme parks for the roller coasters and that one on one time made up for the time apart. My mum says even as a toddler I'd run to him, hurling myself into his arms and we used to meet them on the airfield most of the time (RAF) so it wasn't the association of him coming to the house.