I don't want the father of my child to be involved in his life anymore.

[Bizziee]

Going to apologise in advance for the long post but please help!
My ex is a total narcissist and pathological liar, I cannot express how much I loathe the man. He causes me sleepless nights and countless anxiety spikes and pushed me to a deep depression last year that I've only recently overcome. I should have seen the red flags back when we were dating but you all know how it is. He is constantly awful to me, speaks to me like I'm total shite, threatens me and my partner and is just delusional. I've never met anyone like it. When I left him at 4 months pregnant after finding out from his sister that he used to have a gambling problem and that he had made up endless other lies about his life and family I got nothing but harassment from him. I have never tried to keep our son from him, always encouraged him to be in his life but it's just getting too hard now. My son is 2 next month and has had a relationship with his dad but not a consistent one. Handovers are, stressful. Visits are always on his terms, work comes first and he drops them just like that. Has even lied about having covid once to get out of seeing him. Now he wants to take him abroad for 8 days over his birthday so I won't see him at all. He won't give me any details on where he is going or who he is going with. Now, I want my son to have these amazing experiences, I want him to have a relationship with his dads family but I am just not comfortable with this at all!!! Last year he let our son get sun burned, not once but twice!!! Because he didn't think keeping him shaded or using sun cream was a necessity. Every time my son comes back from his dads he's unsettled, hyper, won't eat his dinner and his bedtime routine goes out the window. I feel like all my hard work is for nothing. My sleepless nights trying to get my son to stay in his bed are pointless. I'm tired of it, tired of him. Tired of him threatening me with this and that and calling my partner a pedo and saying he's going to call the police on him. It's hurtful. It upsets my partner and he is nothing but lovely! He has an amazing relationship with my son, they're very close and my family adore him. They always hated my ex and warned me he was no good. Please tell me it gets easier? It's got to a point now where I would just rather he wasn't involved

Do you have anything in place legally with regards to your child’s time with Dad? My understanding is that you have to make them available for defined contact time but you don’t have to chop and change arrangements to accommodate his dads social life/whims.

Do you have your child's passport? That would be my first concern. If ex doesn't have it, child is safe from being whisked off overseas.
My DD has refused contact with her child's father for 7 months now due to his negligence of the child, his foul temper when dealing with the child, and the abuse and really frightening threats thrown at her constantly - which the child was privy to. The child was always deeply unsettled, tearful, aggressive, regressing with toilet training and refusing to sleep in his own bed after contact. So I have fears even worse things than we know have happened.
DD was successful in asking the police to take out an intervention order against him.
She blocked him on every possible medium, and also moved house, which I appreciate may not be at all possible for you, but her relief at knowing he can't turn up raging on the doorstep (after cancelling the last three agreed contact times at the last minute etc) is life changing.
The child was getting so damaged by being constantly let down, but then having an awful time when he DID go. He was getting old enough to love his father and becoming very hurt and bewildered by him.
Ex threatened Court but either doesn't have the money (doubtful as he works full time and pays zero maintenance) or can't really be bothered.
I think the Court threats were just another way of controlling/scaring my DD and keeping her in line.
We literally haven't heard a word. And he knows where I live so could contact me/send solicitor's letter here.
What do you think your ex would do if you stopped contact?
Because it sounds very similar. He's possibly far less interested in the child than he is in intimidating you.
At the very least, talk to the police about the threats and ask them about an intervention order.
I know what you're going through.
A child should, of course, only be kept from its father under serious circumstances, and it sounds like yours are.

Sounds just like my ex.
You were smart and left him while you were pregnant. I stayed and have only just left mg ex while baby is month old. I look back and think I wish I hadn’t even told him I were pregnant at the time and dumped him then. Also contemplating the same as you, to stop him seeing baby but I’m giving him a chance to step up. Your story is making me think twice now.
So sorry you’re going through this, I really sympathise with you. Personally, I’d now take him out his life. He’s not shown you any different, he’s consistently been shit. You’ve got a lovely partner who loves DS, bloody run and don’t look back. Let him take you to court if he wants to, can you really see him fighting for access? Make sure you have all the proof he’s been shit too, texts, calls. I’ve started to keep ex’s texts and record phone calls. I wish you the best X

You need to set boundaries on when he takes your son. So if they are seeing each other roughly every other weekend then tell his father in writing e.g. email that contact is every other weekend with dates for 6 months ahead so your son knows when he is seeing his father as it's in your son's best interests. If his father missed contact due to work and gives you less than 48 hours notice, then tell him the son misses him and will be available the next contact time.

Also selectively block his father on your phone. So block his number unless it is around contact time. (Or get another mobile and leave his father on the current number. )

In regards to him taking the child abroad if he refuses to give you details including the address and phone number of their accommodation then don't let him go. Get your son a British passport and keep it. If his father is a citizen of another country then you can take steps to ensure your son can't have that passport. (You will have to investigate as each country will do things differently.)

The other things unfortunately you have no control over. If you kick off you risk your son's father taking you to Court getting a Court Order you have to obey. You don't want to go down that road as it gives you less control than you have now, as you will miss every other birthday and every other Christmas day with your son.

Don’t consider, even for a moment, allowing your ex to take your son abroad. You have no way of knowing if he will ever come home.

So I don't yet have his passport, I applied for it as soon as my ex started demanding that I give him DS birth certificate but I'm worried he's going to get it before me. We don't have any court orders in place either and I obviously don't want to make things worse for myself by refusing him access to our son. He did have a solicitor write up an agreement last year but hasn't stuck to it at all. I have kept messages over the years though so have plenty of proof if I ever need it that he is completely unhinged. Me and my partner are looking to get some legal help though and would like some kind of child arrangement order, I just wish we didn't have to you know... I don't know how some people can be so hateful and cruel. I have always tried to be accommodating, setting boundaries with contact and visits ect but just nothing works. It last a few weeks and then he's back to his old tricks like always. It's really bloody exhausting. I can't stand that my son will have this awful person in his life, spreading his hateful, racist and homophobic warped view of the world and people on him. It really tears me up inside. Aside from letting him get sun burned, if he's never been actively awful to my son can I really apply for an intervention order? Thank you so much for all the replies too by the way

A child arrangements order will be an order you have to obey not him.

So don't get one unless your child's father is really screwing up your son's mental health about contact as your child's father can use it as a stick to beat you with, particularly as he can afford legal representation.

Unfortunately things like not putting on sun cream are viewed as a "difference in parenting". The amount of shit SS and the Courts allow parents to get away with under this is amazing.

Also as long as you follow the agreement written up by the solicitor to the letter, and every single time he doesn't turn up you send an email stating he didn't turn up for contact on x date, his son misses his regular contact session, etc then if he takes you to Court for an order hopefully you will have made it difficult for him to get one.

Just be aware if your child's father wants to take your joint child on holiday to a Hague Convention country or the country of the father's origin, gives you more than a months notice and gives you the proper details of where they are staying then if you refuse to let him take your joint child he will probably apply for a Child Arrangements Order. This is because fathers are allowed to take their children abroad if they give the other parent proper notice and details of where they are staying.

@RedMarauder Perhaps a child arrangement order isn't the way to go then. I'm quite shocked that things like sunburn aren't taken seriously either, my son was literally like 5 months old when it first happened. He would stroll off down the road with my baby laying flat on his back in the pram with the hood pulled back in 28 degree heat.
As for the holiday though, I have had a months notice but he refuses to give me any kind of details on where he is going or who he is going with. We're both from the same country too by the way so I'm not concerned he isn't going to bring him back I just don't trust that he will keep my son safe. He's been known to dump my boy with his family who my son barely knows while he goes out drinking. I'm not comfortable with any of it at all

OP your son's father doesn't need to say who else he is going with as that is none of your business even though it would be common courtesy to do so if there is no hostility between you.

He should tell you things like flight/ferry details and the address of where they are staying. Likewise you should do the same if you take your joint child abroad. (You each need to give each other permission to take the child abroad and shouldn't deny permission without good reason.)

He can leave your joint child with any adult he deems competent to look after the child while the child is in his care. Who that person is really none of your business unless you realise the person is not safe to be around children. This is the same for you in reverse.

Basically while you son is with his father you have to leave his father to parent how he sees fit unless he physically or sexually abuses him, or places him around a known child abuser. So if his parenting standards are different from yours then there is nothing you can do about it. Saying anything or complaining about it will makes you seem difficult.

In reverse your son's father has to do the same with you. This means he cannot tell you that you can't have a partner, another child or any other adult around your joint child when the child is in your care.

Btw your ex is an idiot. He could have just gone and got a copy of your child's birth certificate without telling you. You can get anyone's birth, marriage, divorce or death certificate as long as you know enough details about them and can pay the required fee.

I know he doesn't need to tell me who he is travelling with and I suspect it's his family but he won't tell me anything else. I actually like his sister and she is probably the only one I feel comfortable with and know my son will be in safe hands. She has her own children though so can't be keeping an eye on mine the whole time.

In the past he has told me that I cannot take my son to see my sisters, or my mum. Has actually threatened my mums job and tried to force his solicitor to stop my family from having contact. I had to block him and his family on social media because they were telling each other what I was up to which resulted in him questioning me about why I had left my son with my sister for a few hours.

My partner has received a ton of abuse too, through me of course he doesn't have access to his social media, number or even his address. Doesn't know his surname and has threatened to come knocking on his door somehow and has given me addresses for his co-workers with the same first name.

He has obtained my sons birth certificate and is in the process of applying for his passport. Just hoping that my application will go through first!