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Parenting

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Original poster

Honest advice.. am I the problem? Other half troubles!

14 replies

AmITheProblem87 · 23/09/2021 19:11

So, I’ve just had an actual meltdown at my other half like I was possessed! I’ve never acted the way I did towards anyone and now I’m sat here feeling like such a horrible, horrible person.

We have a toddler who is 15 months old and she’s so full on in every single way bless her 🙈 but since she’s been born it’s me who’s done absolutely everything and I mean absolutely everything in regards to her. My partner from time to time will attempt a single nappy change but as soon as DD throws a tantrum on the changing mat (she HATES her nappy being done) he will just give up and leave it. DD isn’t much of a sleeper so barely naps but also won’t really sleep at night unless I’m there so I’m constantly up having to tend to her (more often than not ending up in spare bed co-sleeping as not enough room in our double bed)

My partner does work full time and provides for us so I can stay home with DD (we can’t afford childcare and have no family near to help with child minding) which obviously I am really grateful for and I tell him this. However, my partner does really really hate his job and does come home stressed every day and says this is part of why he struggles with DD (he is looking for another job)

I never ask my OH for help with anything because his responses always come across as “yeah BUT I really don’t want to” if that makes sense? So I just try and do everything myself. Aside from that anything he needs I will try to do for him if I can. House wise it’s me who does everything (maybe some of you are thinking “well he does work” and I get that but it’s almost like he works 37 hours per week but I work 24/7 and it’s just honestly draining!

This evening my partner came home from work whilst DD was eating her tea and while he was upstairs getting changed and using the loo my DD had finished her tea so I got her all cleaned up and out of her high chair just as he came downstairs and I asked him if he could just grab her a minute so she doesn’t walk in all the food that fell out the high chair and the run onto the carpet (we are open plan) and his response was “yeah but I’m doing something a minute” (he was folding some trousers) so after about 30 seconds I was hurrying him along because DD was throwing a right tantrum and his response was “I’m doing something” so I just let go of her and carried on cleaning up (because I swear he was being long on purpose) whilst saying about how pointless it was cleaning her up as she’s now stood in it all again and picking it up with her hands in a frustrated manner/tone and he proceeded to call me a “drama queen” and how “I’m over reacting”. Maybe I was but it’s just constant comments like that and it’s grating when all I do is try and be the best person I can for everyone 😩😩😩😩

OP posts:

Alitlebitsleepy · 23/09/2021 19:24

I'm a SAHM too and my husband would never expect that I do every bit of caring for our DD and all of the housework. Of course I do the vast majority of it but he has days off which means he has time to help. Looking after your LO is a 24/7 job. Do you get any days off? Also, I agree that being able to be a SAHM is a privilege and I am also grateful to my DH for providing for us but becoming a SAHM is a joint decision you make when deciding what's best for your family. Your partner working doesn't mean he's exempt from helping you when he's at home.

Also, my bigger question is why doesn't he want to help? I'd be really sad if my DH showed no interest in caring for our DD.

Have you tried having a serious conversation about each other's expectations about your roles in this family?

findmeaholiday · 23/09/2021 19:25

Another SAHM here

Your husband is a dick

Indecisivelurcher · 23/09/2021 19:27

Being a sahm is your job, so he works 9-5, you work 9-5, when you're both at home everything is 50/50, childcare, night duties, cleaning. Surely.

Interested in this thread?

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Brollywasntneededafterall · 23/09/2021 19:29

Ask him what sort of relationship he sees himself having with his dd. Because ime if he doesn't put in the 'donkey work' - ie feeding /changing /crappy bits - he won't have one... I asked my now exh. He said he would be the one buying ds his first pint... When I left ds was 7 and they had absolutely no relationship

Ds is late 20's and def still don't..

OrangeTortoise · 23/09/2021 19:30

So at weekends you do everything and he does nothing? He's a dick.

alexdgr8 · 23/09/2021 19:38

tell him you will be away at the weekend, so he can have quality time with his daughter.
then do an agatha christie: disappear to a lovely remote hotel, pay with his card and come back, maybe, sunday evening.
go sleep in the spare room.
any nonsense and say you will be away, alone, every weekend from now on, as you have your long-term health to consider.
good luck.

ftw163532 · 23/09/2021 19:43

So you work a 168 hour week, and he works a 37 hour week - does that seem a reasonable or fair situation to you?

Because it doesn't to me. You should be working the same number of hours regardless of the proportion of those hours that are paid.

Also, he is a dick.

Original poster

AmITheProblem87 · 23/09/2021 19:43

@Alitlebitsleepy

Also, my bigger question is why doesn't he want to help? I'd be really sad if my DH showed no interest in caring for our DD.

Have you tried having a serious conversation about each other's expectations about your roles in this family?

Oh, please don’t get me wrong.. I totally agree that being a parent is a 24/7 thing. I don’t get any days off, no. All DD wants is me and the thought of going out and leaving her and then she becomes “difficult” for her dad is just too much. If I’m there and he attempts the odd nappy and she throws a tantrum then he’ll give up and just sit there staring at nothing pretty much and then when I go to check on them because they’ve been a little while he’ll just be like “it’s pointless - she hates me” and she’ll be off destroying her bedroom or something while he’s sat there.

It does make me sad that there isn’t much of a bond there to be honest. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship and he’s amazing with them. It’s sad to see. When she’s being “good” then he will play with her and you can see he loves her but that’s as far as it goes really.

I have tried the whole conversation thing but I don’t really get much from it because it’s like he doesn’t see any of it. He doesn’t seem to think there’s any real issue. Frustrating.

OP posts:

Original poster

AmITheProblem87 · 23/09/2021 19:46

@Indecisivelurcher

Being a sahm is your job, so he works 9-5, you work 9-5, when you're both at home everything is 50/50, childcare, night duties, cleaning. Surely.

I do agree with this. BUT, I don’t even expect that to be honest because I know he’s stressed (ain’t we all - ha) and stuff. It’s just the comments he makes half of the time and the lack of wanting to be helpful 😩😩😩😩

It’s really to have an adult conversation about it because he sees no issue with the things he says and he seems to think he is helpful. Gah!

OP posts:

Original poster

AmITheProblem87 · 23/09/2021 19:48

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Ds is late 20's and def still don't..

I have put this to him but I don’t really get much reaction from him. Don’t get me wrong I know he does love her but he gets so frustrated and ‘pissy’ when all she wants is me but what is he honestly expecting?

OP posts:

Original poster

AmITheProblem87 · 23/09/2021 19:52

@OrangeTortoise

So at weekends you do everything and he does nothing? He's a dick.

Pretty much. Might be the odd weekend he’ll do a bowl of washing up and vacuum but other than that it’s all me. He has children from a previous relationship that he sees on weekends so I try and do what I can alongside looking after our DD so he can spend as much time with DS but any kind of helpfulness in the week is next to none really.

If he’s not going to be helpful then surely he can just be nice verbally. He isn’t nasty but his words aren’t helpful 😩😩😩

OP posts:

TheChip · 23/09/2021 20:00

My ex used to react similarly. He would huff and puff and pretend he obviously wasn't good enough. He would deliberately just not do things, or do things badly. I spent ages trying to help him and in the end realised I was just a mug. It was ALL because he didn't want to do the parenting, he wanted me to do it. Who really wants to change nappies? He learned that if he huffed and puffed and just quit...that I'd have to step in to finish off.
I wonder if yours is doing the same.

Original poster

AmITheProblem87 · 23/09/2021 20:08

@TheChip

It sort of sounds similar to be honest. I’ll ask if he wants to do a nappy and it’ll be “not really - I’ll make a cup of tea instead” that kind of thing. Or as previously said he’ll do it (attempt anyway) but across as right huffy.

we don’t plan on having a baby as he didn’t want anymore but I found out I was pregnant at about 16 weeks and for me it was too late.. I wouldn’t have been to able to abort her. I do wonder if he’s like this because he didn’t really want her. He hasn’t ever said that or ever said anything to kinda agree with it when I’ve said it in the heat of the moment but I do wonder.

OP posts:

Beancounter1 · 23/09/2021 20:14

I have come to the belief that it is virtually impossible to get another person to change their ways. People don't change.

Forget getting any help from him at all - you are banging your head against a brick wall.
Pretend that you are a single parent and there is no other adult in the house. It will be more relaxing and less stressful than trying to get him to change.

This also means not doing 'extra' for him - okay you could bung his clothes in the wash with yours, but don't expend any extra effort doing things that only benefit him, like sorting his stuff or tidying his side of the bedroom.

Then see how you feel about the relationship in six months.

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