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Parenting

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Raising a confident child

14 replies

thaimoon · 23/09/2021 15:09

Hope this hasn't been done to death....

I've not been the most confident person in my life so far. I was bullied at school as I was pretty quiet and never stood up for myself, and whilst I don't have problems with being bullied or anything like that in my adult life, I'm still working on being assertive and strong- it doesn't come naturally, and I hate any kind of confrontation.

Now I have a little one who will be going into childcare soon and I want her to be more confident than I was. I want her to be happy in nursery and school and not he downtrodden. She doesn't need to be the loudest or the toughest by any means... I just don't want her suffer in the same way as I did.

Do you lot have any advice for me as to how I can help her with this? If you have experience I would love to hear it, thank you ♥️

OP posts:
BlackcurrantTea · 23/09/2021 17:06

Following as I'm in the same boat. I do feel like I've become a bit more confident since I had DD though as I've been to so many baby groups I've talked to loads of strangers, and I think the more socialising I do, the more confident I feel.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/09/2021 17:08

Can you reflect on how your parents parented you and identify what bits affected your confidence or assertiveness?

thaimoon · 23/09/2021 19:19

@SleepingStandingUp yes I could try though I'm not sure I can think of anything in particular they did wrong...

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Mn753 · 23/09/2021 19:23

You need to model it unfortunately. Talk to people out and about. Get them to buy stuff in shops you know well. Have friends round the table for food and include them in the discussion. Have their friends round and get to know the parents. You need to show them that it's safe to be confident and outgoing in public

User5827372728 · 23/09/2021 19:24

Unconditional love builds confidence and trust. Feeling safe and secure and well attached builds confidence. Knowing it’s ok to make mistakes and try again.

thaimoon · 23/09/2021 19:49

@Mn753 thank you so much. Great advice

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AlexaShutUp · 23/09/2021 19:56

I have an exceptionally confident (but not in the slightest bit arrogant) 16yo, after a lifetime of struggling with my own confidence. Honesty, I am in awe of her confidence. She is willing and able to talk to anyone and she will give anything a go. She is confident in her own abilities but not afraid of failing and can laugh at herself easily. She is self aware enough to know her own strengths and weaknesses, and be comfortable with those, and she is able to celebrate and tolerate the strengths and weaknesses of others in equal measure. And she cares about living up to her own high standards of ethical behaviour, rather than about what others might think. I wish I had some good tips to pass on to you, but tbh, I think it's largely a question of luck! I strongly suspect that there is an innate element to confidence that kids either have or they don't.

What I can say is that dd has always had lots of time and attention from us as parents, and also from the other adults in her life. We have consistently talked to her as an equal, taken an interest in her interests and respected her views and opinions.

She has had lots of unconditional love, expressed both verbally and physically, and we have tried very hard to respond to her emotional needs. I am far from a perfect parent and get things wrong all the time, but I have always tried to acknowledge when I've got things wrong and apologise so that she understands that nobody is perfect and so that she knows that she isn't necessarily responsible for my bad moods etc.

This might be controversial but I actively sought out opportunities for dd to struggle and fail when she was younger so that she learned not to fear failure in the way that I do. She is naturally very good at most things she tries, often without much effort, so it was really important to me that she learned how to strive and persevere with the things that didn't come so easily to her. She learned that hard work can enable you to master things that you might initially find difficult, and that has been hugely important. Extracurricular activities were great for this, especially dance, drama and swimming because dd was not a natural fish!
Over the years, we also created lots of opportunities for her to talk to people from different ages and backgrounds. We would chat to people on buses and in queues etc, make new friends on holiday etc. This comes much more naturally to my DH than it does to me, but I tried really hard to emulate him and dd has always been very open and friendly. (Obviously, you have to balance this with teaching your child how to be safe around strangers as well!)

Finally, I used to regularly take opportunities to push dd out of her comfort zone by getting her to try new things. When she was really tiny, I encouraged her to ask for things in shops, pay for stuff, try new activities etc. We arranged for her to spend a day in an overseas school when she was 7. All of these experiences helped her to develop her self belief.

I do believe that all of these things helped, but to a great extent, I also believe that dd was just born confident and that enabled her to make the very most of these opportunities.

Good luck with supporting your dc. I'm sure she will be fine!

PennyWus · 23/09/2021 20:25

Have a read about secure attachment. A confident child grows from one who feels securely attached. Do not force your child to rush through phases of separation anxiety or shyness - there might be some really irritating times when your child seems very reticent, at these times you provide reassurance and encouragement and lots of cuddles.

I agree with pp about teaching your child it is ok to fail. Also to acknowledge sometimes a situation is scary, and that's ok - new things especially can be daunting but the second time you try a thing it gets easier.

Also role playing eg with teddies how to make friends and instructions really clearly. So you can teach from young age, when you meet someone look at their eyes and smile and say hello. Then as they get older teach them to say "I'm X what's your name" and "do you want to play with me".

Lots of playdates. Lots of new experiences. Praise effort not outcomes to avoid perfectionism. Don't over praise. Praise specific things not generally. Don't compare to other children. Let your child see you trying new things and getting over failures.

thaimoon · 04/10/2021 19:25

Sorry for the delay in thanking you all for such good advice

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ojojojoja · 04/10/2021 19:27

drama lessons are good for self confidence! they don't necessarily need to go on to become an actor but the foundational skills they get and the experience of performing in front of an audience especially from a young age are great for their confidence.

thesugarbumfairy · 04/10/2021 19:41

I think everyone gives valid ideas here to help your child with their confidence.

I do think a lot of it just comes from within though and you need to work with the qualities they already have. Don't force them into uncomfortable situations. Do listen to them and don't dismiss what they're saying. My children are chalk and cheese- my eldest is shy and needs lots of praise. I have learned to push him gently into things, but to support him with it (little things like buying his own things from the shop or getting him to ask someone a question) He has more confidence these days but he is 14 now!
My youngest was born happy and full of confidence and he has been like a force of nature - no idea where it comes from but it was obvious from the get-go. For him we have to tone it down because he can get cocky these days.

Echobelly · 04/10/2021 20:52

I'd say my kids are more confident than me - it probably helps the DH is confident (even if icky superficially by his own admission) to the point of embarrassing them sometimes!

I think treating them as resilient helped, we never made a huge deal of things like hurting yourself and I do wince a bit when i see some parents rushing in with ott reassurance and attention if a child takes a little tumble.

Lots of specific praise too - not just 'What a lovely picture', but 'I love how bright and shiny you made the sun look and you can imagine that sea waving' etc

Worth reading 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk', it's not specifically about confidence but it does cover various ways to support it (where I got the above about specific praise from)

TillyDevon · 04/10/2021 21:02

This is really good advice :>>>>Have a read about secure attachment. A confident child grows from one who feels securely attached. Do not force your child to rush through phases of separation anxiety or shyness - there might be some really irritating times when your child seems very reticent, at these times you provide reassurance and encouragement and lots of cuddles.

I had no confidence as a child and struggled with being introduced to new things like nursery and school before I was emotionally ready. I developed elective mutism I was so shy and insecure .
With our dc I have tried to build them up from an early age by listen carefully to them and also specific praise can be helpful (although not too much either as I worry I’ve gone too far and Ds sometimes strikes me as a bit too confident/ not deferential enough to adults so I think I over-compensated for what I had needed to build better security as a child!)

waltzingparrot · 04/10/2021 21:06

I don't think it's that cut and dried. I've have 2 teen DSs, one supremely confident, one under confident. I did the same for both.

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