My daughter saw my anxiety today and I hate myself

[tiredoflife2]

I went out for an early tea today with my 18 month old daughter and my husband. It had been a very stressful day for numerous reasons and I was tearful and anxious over tea whilst talking to my husband. I tried to keep up a brave face for my daughter but there’s no doubt she would have heard my emotional tone of voice and seen my anxious expression.

I feel so guilty as I do suffer badly with anxiety but almost always manage to keep up a happy smiley exterior when she’s around. Tonight I failed.

Will I have affected her in some way? The last thing I want is for her to grow up with the horrendous anxiety that I have, because it’s absolutely crippling.

No you will not have affected her.. you sound like a wonderful mother.
What help and treatment are you getting for the anxiety?

I believe anxiety is, to some degree, genetic. I never showed my anxiety to dd and she still showed huge symptoms of it from 5 onwards. I talk to her about it and how it ha sbenefits and that it can be managed and loved with. And got her really good help through a psychologist and nlp company local to me. And a great, accommodating school. She has just started secondary and is doing brilliantly.

I take medication for my anxiety-it works and I talk openly about it.

If it is genetic then I really hope she takes after her dad and not me Time will tell.

I’m not getting any treatment as I’m too afraid to ring my doctor - I’m worried I’ll be seen as wasting NHS time, especially as they have an enormous backlog of serious operations to be dealing with.

Definitely not. Children need to be exposed to real emotions anyway, so that they are comfortable with them as they are apart of everyone's life. It sounds as if you weren't even doing anything that out of the norm anyway, she probably wouldn't even notice at that young. But when she is older she will see you cry sometimes and that's okay, because mummies cry too. If it makes you feel any better my 16 month old has seen me have multiple extreme physical panic attacks and has been there for one complete breakdown, when my mum had to come and pick him up and take him away so I could get better. He had no clue that anything in ordinary was happening because of his age, he actually laughed at me at one point I believe.
Your DD will be fine.

Go easy on yourself. Your child doesn't need to grow up thinking you are an emotionless robot, it's ok for them to see you as you are sometimes. Obviously there are times when your child doesn't need to see you anxious especially if it's scary to her or you are always anxious - then you need to to learn how to have some control over it or see a mental health professional. But children should know that their parents aren't always happy and that they struggle too, it's not healthy for them to think mum is always happy and absolutely fine.
I struggle with anxiety too, and early last year it was so bad that I took time off work and had to go on anti anxiety meds and see a therapist. My 5 year old noticed something was different and that I wasn't myself even though I tried really hard to keep it from him. But my therapist said it's ok to let kids see we aren't perfect. I told him about how I was feeling and how it's an illness and sometimes we need medicine or doctors to help us get better even when the illness is in our head, and that he could always ask me questions about it. You just need to balance it so that they don't spend time being worried about you or feel the need to take care of you. So please don't be scared to hide it from your child - they are very good at picking up on changes and know when you aren't yourself so you may as well be honest with them instead of pretending everything is totally fine when they can tell that it isn't.

My mum has anxiety. Both she and my dad shielded me from any displays is emotions other than happy until we'll into teenage years (17ish). This has not been helpful for me. I've really struggled to manage anything other than happy, upbeat days and have a tendancy to gloss over things etc. Strike a good balance is my advice

@tiredoflife2

If it is genetic then I really hope she takes after her dad and not me Time will tell.

I’m not getting any treatment as I’m too afraid to ring my doctor - I’m worried I’ll be seen as wasting NHS time, especially as they have an enormous backlog of serious operations to be dealing with.

You can self refer into your local IAPT service for psychological work, you don’t need a GP referral.

Thanks for the replies. I’m just so desperate to model happy, relaxed behaviour in the hope that it benefits her. My own parents were lovely but both very anxious, and I think that may have affected me.

My own mum had various MH problems when I was a child and I also had my own MH when my kids were younger.

Sometimes it is better to let it out than trying to hide it. My mum tried to hide things from me and it made me more anxious I think because I didn't understand why she behaved the way she did. With my own kids I try to explain things in a way they understand. I'm worried about this, I panic about that, I get nervous in this situation etc.

If you never show your daughter how you really feel..how does she then learn to cope with her feelings? grief, sadness, anxiety etc.,These are all normal . tge book self help for your nerves by Dr claire weekes is excellent. .also please go and see your gp..mental health us just as important as physical. .

My 18yo DD recently supported me through an acute episode of severe anxiety and panic attacks. Apparently she thinks I’m awesome and strong because I got through it. Although I understand the guilt you feel, I feel guilty too, I do agree with PP that it’s important to be human and teach our children how to cope with a wide range of emotions. No, it’s not ideal but we don’t live in an ideal world.

Your GP isn’t too busy for you. Please seek help

If you never show your daughter how you really feel..how does she then learn to cope with her feelings? grief, sadness, anxiety etc

This is true, but if I showed how I really felt, basically all she’d see would be a nervous wreck, because that’s how I feel 99% of the time. I know I need to speak to my GP, but I’ve been putting it off because I’m too scared of being dismissed. I don’t think I could cope with that.

No it won’t have effected her - that is your anxiety talking.

However please seek help for your anxiety. You won’t be wasting anyone’s time, I promise.

My mum had anxiety and it has impacted me as an adult. She was a wonderful, loving mum and I was so well looked after and loved. But I do wish she had been supported more in addressing her MH.

Your DD will have noticed that you were upset but that's OK! The main thing is that she see's how you respond to those feelings of anxiety. Just view it as a teachable moment - your daughter saw your anxiety, she saw that your OH was there for you to comfort you and then she saw you keep going despite feeling rubbish. That is a very good lesson to learn. I don't think it's good to pretend that everything is perfect to kids because they will struggle as adults to deal with big emotions. Protect them as much as you can yes but also be honest with them. Hope you're OK. Anxiety is the pits. Make sure you keep seeking out help and don't go through it by yourself x

@tiredoflife2

If it is genetic then I really hope she takes after her dad and not me Time will tell.

I’m not getting any treatment as I’m too afraid to ring my doctor - I’m worried I’ll be seen as wasting NHS time, especially as they have an enormous backlog of serious operations to be dealing with.

If you are in England the NHS employs people in quite junior roles to go through anxiety materials with people (you can self refer to your local IAPT with no need to go to the GP at all), these are not the staff who would be dealing with serious operations and they will be very glad to see you if you can try to use their services (many of which are online now)