How do I find joy in parenting?

[Needsomejoy]

NC. Don’t want this to be linked to DC or I.

DC hasn’t been the easiest baby which didn’t lay particularly good foundations. They were a refluxy/colicky baby who didn’t sleep and cried for most of their first year. Still quite clingy and highly strung now at 15 months and still unable to walk which doesn’t help their mood. I was treated for PND (counselling and SSRI) in the first year and I did feel better, although it took a while.

I went back to work part time after a year. It’s like going back to work (I’m lucky, I love my job) has highlighted how much I dislike my days off with DC and how much I struggled on maternity leave. I find no joy in parenting. The days are a series of struggles from wake up to bedtime. We try and get out but that’s a struggle in itself. DC gets easily upset and cross and I am permanently on edge.

DC doesn’t deserve this. They are only a baby. But I’m on the cusp of going back to work full time just because I like it more than my own child. I hate feeling this way. How can I start enjoying them and parenting more?

Not sure if this is helpful but why not consider full time work if it would make you happier. No man would feel weird or bad about working full time with young dc so it's a common thing to do. It may help as absence makes the heart grow fonder?

In the nicest way I think you may need some more counselling but yes in the meantime I’d put DC in the best childcare you can find/afford and work FT. They are still so very young but need a loving caring environment so much at this tender age.

Fake it- play the part of a mum who loves the routine, because I personally think 1-2yrs old absolutely sucks- it’s physical, little communication, lots of tantrums and not much to enjoy. Then once they start to talk and learn more I personally found the joy and the fun in the activities we did.

Thank you all for your kind and non judgemental responses. It means a lot.

I got in touch with with my GP on Monday as i’m sure my slightly wonky mental health isn’t helping at the moment. I think the first year battered me more than a realised. It feels like going back to work picked a delicate scab straight off and it’s freely bleeding again.

I agree about men not feeling the same guilt about going back to work. I do not judge women at all for going back to work full time - be it through choice or necessity. For me though, it just feels like a slightly lazy excuse to spend less time with my child, not because I am desperate to progress in my career or because we need it financially. I guess I wish I was desperate for my days off to role around, not the other way

I’m going a pretty good job at faking it at the moment I hope. I have 2 very close friends who knew the first year was a struggle, but are surprised that I feel this way now.

Thank you again x

*will get in touch

You’re saying out loud what many, many women feel and have felt.

There’s plenty to feel guilty about in motherhood. Save your powder, it’s a long haul.

Go back to work FT. Don’t torture yourself. Make sure your DC is in a safe and caring nursery with a good routine, and before long you may surprise yourself with how much you look forward to your time with them.

The early months and years can be very very hard. Don’t beat yourself up about this. Nobody is doing anything wrong here, nobody is at fault.

Being outside really helps on the overwhelming days. Especially in the woods

Honestly, I love the newborn stage but 9 months to 3 years is TOUUUUGH and I could totally have written what you wrote.

I have 3 DCs. I do work full time, love my job, and I find that I enjoy my kids most (and really, truly, do adore them!) when we have evenings together and weekends, or extended periods together but along with other family. Lockdowns have been soul-destroying.

I don’t think that’s strange though, nor do I feel guilty about it. For most of history and across most cultures, child rearing is a community effort. I notice a huge positive difference in my mood (and my kids’) when we’re off work/school but have aunts, uncles, friends and grandparents around, vs when it’s just our nuclear family for days on end. Some people thrive in an isolated nuclear family, but I’d venture to say that MOST people probably don’t. I feel zero guilt about that.

It sounds like your mental health isn’t great, and you should keep working on that. But I definitely think you can start with telling yourself over and over and over that you can be a great mum AND you can find your DC a bloody nuisance when you’re one on one for hours on end. A lot of us are right there with you! :-)

I found it a lot better when DS could communicate and we could go out for the day without having to worry too much about packing everything and the kitchen sink. Its good you're speaking to your GP, seek any support you can too, do you have friends you'd feel comfortable talking to?

Honestly? Go back to work! No one would bat an eyelid if a man did after his child was born.

You aren't a failure because you aren't a gushy "my darling PFB" type. In fact, I'd much rather be friends with someone like you, who's honest, and says "she's lost her mind because the toast was too crunchy, I'm just counting down the hours until lunch time nap." Which a lot more women think than they let on.

If being the best parent means being happy at work, then that's how you are the best parent. DS1 was in nursery from 3 months and 1 day (they took them from 3 months, literally I put him in straight away) because I was not enjoying the level of exhaustion and anxiety from spending a full day on my own with him. Immediately, I was happier, and so was he! A room full of other little people to play with. Toys and games galore. Learning all sorts.

DTwins are nearly two, and starting soon, more so they start to make friends etc. They are chilled little bugs. I could have them here all day with ease. DS1? God no. I'm the same mother. It's not like I was selectively capable. The children are completely different. Do not beat yourself up, and stop viewing you being able to feel like yourself at work, and DC getting so much benefit from nursery, as a negative

Dont feel bad! Go back to work full time and later you can always drop a day if you find you live the three yr old stage or whatever. With the the extra cash can you get a cleaner sorted and extra bits to make your life easier so you can enjoy the weekends as a family?

Do you have Instagram? If so follow instagram.com/tessaromero_?utm_medium=copy_link she's really helped me!

Oh yeh get out as much as you can-parks, cafes, soft play- so you head home for nap time and enjoy a relatively clean home

Don’t be hard on yourself about it - I know plenty of men who, including my DH, who will quickly admit that babies and toddlers are boring and tiring - that doesn’t mean they don’t love their children. Women should be able to feel the same. The baby and toddler phase isn’t for everyone. You’ll enjoy it more when your child is older and able to hold a conversation. Go back to work full time if that will make you happier - your DC will be fine!

OP do you take joy in other things, or do you feel generally flat and low? PND is a possibility.