Wwyd - 3 yr old at meal times

[MeadowHay]

My DD has always been a fussy eater and also always been a screamer, throwing the most epic tantrums. Meal times are often a crunch point and we are going through a particularly bad spell of this now and I just dunno how to respond. A typical response will be her being called for a meal (dinner is usually the one we have most issue with, but she is still often difficult for the others too), initially refusing to come/saying she's not hungry etc. We tell her that's fine and if she doesn't want dinner that's not a problem she can play instead. Except she won't, because she won't play by herself. So she will then spend say 20 mins screaming hovering around the dinner table/rolling about on the floor/getting on and off her chair/grabbing me and so on. We introduced a 30 min egg timer with a 'when this is finished dinner time is over and food goes away' to limit this because she would then eventually calm down and decide she did want to eat dinner. Only to immediately ask if she can have dessert after and then agonisingly placing one morsel in her mouth every 5 minutes but insisting she does want the meal and well you can imagine how long we were being stuck at the table for. The egg timer has helped to reduce this slow part of the behaviour - in a few weeks I've only ended the meal before she said she was done twice. However she's still often starting meal times in the same way, screaming her head off but refusing to eat or leave the area and then she starts demanding things like I want a story, put the food on my spoon, put the food in my mouth, and it gets more and more ridiculous.

Sorry for the rant but how would you deal with this behaviour? We try to ignore but it's hard when she's right next to us particularly when she's grabbing me and screaming that she wants a cuddle...

In terms of getting her to the table I would give her plenty of warning and a visual aid - so tell her ‘in fifteen minutes we are having dinner’ and get one of those clocks that show the time elapsing in red so she can see it counting down. That should help her with the transition.

I wouldn’t tolerate any of that. But is she actually hungry? Does she snack in between meals? And does she have any sensory issues that mean she takes a while to eat? Personally I’m quite strict with meals but I wouldn’t tolerate allowing her so long to come to the table and settle down to eat - in our house there’s a window of a few minutes to allow for turning TV off and wash hands etc. Maybe shorten the time she can come and sit ag the table and after that. Well tough! All the rolling around and screaming I’m not sure what I’d do about but either completely ignore or put her in another room - if you’ve worked hard to prepare a meal it shouldn’t be ruined by a screaming child! I also have a 3 yr old so sympathies.

Was also going to ask do you involve her in meals eg does she know what’s coming or help in any way to prepare it? Might just encourage her to play ball.

Have you asked her why she finds coming for meal times such a problem? That's where I'd start.

You could try saying 'ok you don't have to eat, but you do need to sit at the table with us' and see if that makes any difference.

You could also try having her at the table before the food. Have a craft activity/puzzle/board game at the table and then when that's finished it's dinner time and you stay at the table for dinner.

You could try a star chart, a star for every time she comes to the table without fuss and then a prize every 5 stars or so.

If none of that works, continue to ignore when she's fussing, but give lots of praise and attention when she's sitting (not praise for eating, but sitting nicely even if she isn't eating anything).

I'd do good warning when it'll be dinner - DS usually watches TV before dinner so I tell him when we're going to switch off the TV. I leave him till the end of his program and he some how things switching the TV off is the best job.

If you're doing a timer then use it properly, if by the end of 30 minutes nothings been eaten then that's it. No negotiation over dessert.

Mine goes for the cuddle tactic and I'm.just really firm that I don't want a cuddle at meal time, and I'll give him a cuddle when we're finished. I just repeat that and ignore most of the other behaviour (through gritted teeth)

I would make sitting at the table non negotiable. She can choose not to eat, but she will sit there for a specified amount of time with you. I agree that a warning that dinner is coming up would also help.

I think a visual timer of how long left she has to eat would also be useful, and I wouldn't let the eating go on all night. 20 mins max and then the meal goes in the bin and no more food. She won't starve herself.

I have a six year old who can also be very difficult re mealtimes, and experience of a friend's four year old who essentially held us all hostage round the dinner table whilst she ate mouse-mouthfuls...for hours...

Difficult as it is I think you have to stick with the not-negotiable bits ie dinner is in five minutes, your dinner is on the table are you coming, ok you're not coming so your dinner will stay there until we've finished and then you will have missed it.

Otherwise you end up with the whole mealtime revolving around what they will and won't do and they get lots of attention and your mealtime is ruined. DS can be very good at this and we think it's because when we are round the table and talking to each other our attention isn't 100% on him, so he makes sure it is by acting up!

If you can, don't get into any discussions or negotiations (easier said than done I know) other than to say "your dinner is there" etc, and eventually they realise you're not playing and give up...it's a work in progress but we do seem to be getting there, albeit slowly!

Could you perhaps try giving her a regular little job like putting out the napkins or something might get her into a more prepared frame of mind?

I would get her involved in choosing and preparing the meal, let her help to chop things (Google kid safe knives), stir things, set the table. Serving the food "family style" can be successful with fussy eaters - put the food on serving dishes in the middle of the table and everyone helps themselves to what they want.
Be firm about mealtimes being a time to sit at the table - she might not want to eat but she still needs to sit still and be part of things like conversation.

Try a transition eg

She comes to the table to put today’s pieces in a jigsaw / hear the latest chapter of a story what ever you like BUT nothing about food or eating at all.

With our older kids we do a ‘dictionary game’ What E is and then read the dictionary description of chosen word , winner gets to choose the next etc - can add in spelling the word etc

Then the meal follows, during which she is engaged in chat about what she has done today and what she’s like to do after tea before bed.

Keep things moving and if she is slow then the enthusiasm about getting in with the next chosen activity If necessary it could be call grandma at 6pm so there is a set time to hit to speak to grandma.

Thanks all. We do some of this already e.g. getting her to help with food prep and laying the table but this does depend what it is we are having, our kitchen is tiny so it's not always safe to have her gambolling around there when the oven is on etc. As no amount of "do not go near the oven" seems to stick in her head!

We also have a 30 min egg timer for how long meal time is as I say, the sand timer type so she can see vaguely if there's lots of time left or not and when it's finished.

A few of you have said insisting she sits at the table, we've never done this or wanted to - if she's genuinely not hungry I cant see why she should need to sit at the table with us? Especially at the age of 3 when sitting for a short time without entertainment probably feels very hard! If she's not hungry I'm happy for her not to join us or eat anything, that's her prerogative. I also really don't feel 'insisting' she sit at the table is going to help us at this stage. I can't force her to sit in a chair and I don't need any extra battles to add in to what is already a mess...

When she does sit with us nicely we do all chat and we try to involve her in most/if not all of the conversation.

I have tried to ask her why she was upset etc and she just says things like "I didn't want to eat x" (which we don't understand as weve always been pretty blasé about that and always say she doesn't need to eat anything she doesn't want!), "I don't know", "I wanted daddy" (when he's out at work) etc.